As your child reaches the age range of 8 to 12 years old, you may begin to notice subtle and obvious signs that he or she is no longer a young man but not a teenager either. Welcome to the “tween” years!

This intermediate stage of development is a time of change. Your child begins to be more independent. They can reach puberty. And the opinions of his peers surpass his own.

“Sometimes this catches parents by surprise,” he says. pediatrician Sarah Ann Anderson-Burnett, MD, PhD, adolescent medicine specialist at Columbia University.

Tween Parents: Sound familiar?

Puberty causes all the bodily changes you remember from your own youth: getting taller. Body odor. Hair where there was no hair before. Acne. Girls can develop breasts and have your first menstrual period. Boys’ voices may become deeper and their testicles may enlarge.

“It’s normal to start seeing physical changes associated with puberty at age 8 in girls and age 9 in boys,” says pediatrician Sharifa Glass, MD. She is an assistant professor at the University of Houston School of Medicine.

That’s a good time to talk about it with your tween, so he or she knows what to expect.

“Starting at 8 and 9 is a really appropriate time to start having that conversation,” Anderson-Burnett says. “As scary as it is for parents, it is also scary for kids.” You can overcome the awkwardness together.

The child who used to tell you everything may become secretive and share it with his peers instead.

“They begin to distance themselves from their parents, and often view their friends as more like their family,” says Shannon Odell, PsyD, a child and teen from Portland, Oregon. psychologist. “This can look like picking fights with parents and ignoring them, defying rules and challenging parental authority.”

Get ready to try something you may not have expected until you were a teenager.

Omar Ruiz, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Wellesley, MA, describes what this can look like. “Tweens are known for showing attitude by moving their eyessucking his teethbeing brief in their answers, raising their voice, refusing to follow instructions or using vulgar language towards adults,” he says.

In the past, you may have told your child what to wear, eat, and watch. When they are preteens, they will look at their friends.

“Their relationships with their peers become a primary factor in most of the decisions they make, the development of their personality, how they speak, how they behave, what they value, what they believe and also how they dress, eat, exercise”says Odell.

As a parent, you still count. But the dynamic may look different for both of you.

Even if your child starts to drift away, keep talking, both about common and important topics. “The relationship right now lays a great foundation for your child to trust you for even more difficult and uncomfortable conversations,” says Glass.

Watch for signs of poor health group pressurehow to experiment with drugs, alcohol, or sex. “Sometimes preteens start engaging in risky behaviors at the urging of their peers,” Odell says. “Because his [brain’s] “The frontal lobe has not fully developed and will not fully develop until the age of 25, they tend not to think about the consequences of their actions.”

Preteens develop opinions about their bodies. And the influences are not always what you would like. They can be influenced by the comments around them and the things they see online.

“The idea of ​​’I don’t like my body,’ actually starts in high school and as early as 8 and 9 years old,” Anderson-Burnett says. She compares these toxic ideas to seeds that, if kept watered, will bloom as the child grows and could lead to problems like eating disorders.

Be careful when talking about your child’s eating habits and body type. “What they eat obviously contributes, but how you talk about it is how they view themselves,” says Anderson-Burnett.

Also pay attention to what you say about your own body. His son will notice and it is possible that he will take on those messages himself. The healthier yours is body image is, the better it will be for your son or daughter.

Some older tweens think about dating, including what gender they are attracted to. How you react matters.

“If you’re able to support them and say, ‘Okay, this is who you are, I support you,’ that really leads to… [in] “My personal clinical experience: different results than when there is actual resistance,” says Anderson-Burnett.

If you or your child feel uncomfortable talking about certain topics, you might consider letting them talk to an adult of their choice, such as an uncle, aunt, family friend, or another person within their circle.

“They’re listening to someone they can trust,” Anderson-Burnett says. “Basically, you are teaching your child early on the power of a network and how to use it to their benefit. [in] its development.”

Sometimes adults (such as teachers, neighbors, or strangers) treat preteens as if they were older than they are. Research shows this is more likely to happen to black and brown preteens than white preteens, Anderson-Burnett notes.

“They are still young children, but they may be treated like adults at school or in their interactions with other people within society,” he says. “Your child may feel more angry because of the sight of how ought be acting, even though they are of a specific chronological age.”

Your child may not realize that he or she is experiencing what is known as “adulting bias,” so he or she may not know how to tell you. If he thinks that might be happening, ask him to tween her.

“Talk about, ‘Do people treat you differently?’ Do you feel like you are treated differently than your classmates? ”says Anderson-Burnett. “I think we underestimate the power of conversation.”

As with everything else your child is going through, start the conversation, listen, and keep an open mind.