5 Shocking Secrets to Reveal: How to Break the News of Your Prostate Cancer to Your Partner

When you find out that your partner has prostate cancer, you both probably have a lot of questions about what’s next. There will be a lot you will have to talk about. But what do you say, and what should you not say, as you face the disease together?

Before you choose your words, focus on the “together” part of this. Your partner will greatly benefit from you being by their side. Go to his appointments with him and be supportive.

“If the man has a partner, I always encourage that partner to be there,” he says urologist Jesse Mills, MD, director of the UCLA Men’s Clinic in Los Angeles. “This is a disease that couples suffer together.”

Urologist Clayton Lau, MD, agrees.

“Tell your partner you want to participate, go to appointments, ask questions,” says Lau, director of the prostate cancer program at City of Hope Hospital in Duarte, CA. “Many men diagnosed with prostate cancer just turn their brains off and worry, so it’s very important for a partner or spouse to process the information and provide emotional support.”

As scary as the word cancer is, prostate cancer has a very high cure rate, especially when caught early. In fact, nearly 100% of men diagnosed with prostate cancer that has not spread to other parts of the body live for at least 5 years with the disease, according to the American Cancer Society.

If your partner is overwhelmed with fear, remind them of that.

“Most men diagnosed with prostate cancer don’t die from the disease, and you have to let them know,” Lau says. “He wants to know that it’s not all doom and gloom.”

Prostate cancer often grows slowly and does not pose an immediate threat. In such cases, doctors often recommend something called active surveillance. (You may also hear it called “watchful waiting.”) This involves regular checkups to make sure the cancer has not progressed.

The advantage: Avoid side effects that come with surgery or radiation. However, it can cause anxiety if both of you are worried that things will get worse. What are you saying?

“Remind your spouse or partner that doctors are on top of everything and are checking on you regularly,” Lau says.

If you’re the one who worries about what cancer could do if left untreated, tell your partner how you feel. Then accept that it is his decision to forgo treatment, at least for now, if he and the doctor believe that active surveillance is the right option.

“You have to be able to give your partner that space,” says Mills.

If you and your partner have not dealt with cancer before, then this is a whole new world for you. You will need help finding ways to talk about it.

“There are many support groups for couples going through therapysays Mills. “They are run by cancer centers, hospitals, churches” and other organizations. Ask your partner’s cancer care team for referrals to local groups. You can check the American Cancer Society Patient Programs and Services, also. Psychologists and social workers can also help.

Surgery for prostate cancer can have two important and potentially long-lasting side effects: urinary incontinence and erectile dysfunction. Both can be quite daunting. Radiation can also affect the bladder and the ability to have an erection.

Remind your partner that these side effects are often temporary, and tell him you’re there with him while you both wait for things to get better.

If your partner is not in full control of your bladder — a side effect that can take months or longer to wear off — that can discourage you from wanting to resume the social life you had before treatment or even limit your desire to leave the house.

“Be understanding and don’t minimize their feelings,” says Mills. “But encourage him to be a little adventurous and realize that the new normal means he will have to make more bathroom stops.”

A harsh reality of treatment is its impact on your partner’s ability to achieve an erection. She may not be able to have sex the way she used to, at least not for some time. Talk about it from the beginning.

“Have an open conversation as a couple,” Lau says. “Talk about how important sex is to both of you, because it is often more important to one spouse or partner than the other. And remember that he wants to feel loved and be seen in a romantic light.”

Mills says it can take up to a year to recover from treatment, and your partner needs to know you’re still loved during that time.

“Tell him that you want to be intimate with him even if you can’t do it like you used to,” says Mills.

Just don’t tell your partner that you no longer care about his inability to get an erection.

“Even if you’re saying it from a supportive position, that’s exactly what you shouldn’t say, because being able to get a boner is fundamental to being a man,” says Mills. “Instead, say, ‘I understand he can’t get a boner right now, and I still love him.’ It is very important that the partner does not say that it is okay to be impotent. Instead, say that I want you to feel like you’re doing everything you can. [to recover your ability to get an erection].”

However, sex may be something you are used to doing instead of talking about. If you’re having trouble starting the conversation, Lau recommends speaking with a sex therapist, who can help you navigate the changes in your sex life. Your partner’s health care team should be able to make a recommendation.

Sometimes prostate cancer is aggressive and difficult to treat. It can spread to other parts of the body. Treatment of this type of cancer requires hormone therapy, which stops the body’s production of testosterone. This has significant side effects. Your partner is likely to face the following:

• Emotional swings and mood swings
• Loss of interest in sex.
• Weight gain
• Lack of interest in eating well, exercising, or sleeping

“It can be devastating,” says Mills. “Quality of life takes a big hit.”

Your partner may become sullen, agitated, and withdrawn, both as a side effect of treatment and because they are dealing with the reality of advanced illness. Give him the space he needs, but also be encouraging in general, says Mills. encourage him to exercise and eat a healthy diet.

“Say, ‘I’m in this with you,’” advises Mills. “Say, ‘Let’s go for a walk’ or ‘Let’s ditch the fast food and have a big piece of salmon and some brown rice and some steamed vegetables.’ Be part of that solution.”

What if all treatment options have been exhausted and the cancer is in its final stage? They will still face it together.

“At that point, it’s important to just be there and reassure your partner that they’re loved,” Lau says. “Show affection, show your presence, both your physical and emotional presence.”

You can also support your decisions about getting hospice care, where you want to spend your remaining time, and make sure any pain is under control and your end-of-life medical preferences are honored. (These should be in your advanced directives.)

One thing you shouldn’t do is be dishonest about how things are going. “You can’t just tell them things are magically going to get better,” Lau says.

Tell your partner that you’ll be with them no matter what and that it’s okay to let go when it’s their time, says Mills.

“I think sometimes people just need to hear that,” says Mills. “They need to hear from the people they love that there is nothing more to do and that it is okay, that death is not a failure but a condition of life.”