Do you spend more time in bed with your laptop and answering Slack messages than with your partner? Maybe it’s time for a reality check.
If our romantic relationships When we carry too much of the burden of our professional lives, it can lead to resentment, jealousy, and ultimately separation—especially when we expect our partners to bear a disproportionate share of our work stress.
“We bring with us a set of expectations that our life partners are a source of emotional support and that we can be our most authentic version of ourselves,” Alexandra Solomona psychologist from Chicago and host of the podcast Reinventing lovetold AssetsAnd while it’s a “blessing” to find that, she adds, “it’s devastating when we’re not aware of the impact our burnout is having on the way we care for them.”
It is a widespread problem: In Deloitte’s survey on burnout in the workplaceFor example, 83% of respondents said that burnout at work can have a negative impact on their personal relationships. The situation is similar in Headspace’s Workforce State of Mind 2024 report71% of employees said that work stress had led to the end of a personal relationship.
A big part of the problem, Solomon says, is that the line between work and personal life can be hard to draw, especially in remote and hybrid work structures. That’s why it’s important to set aside time and energy for every aspect of our lives, including time to connect with our partners – outside of discussing work projects.
Here are five tips to help ensure that workplace burnout doesn’t destroy the romance in your life.
1. Resist the urge to compare
When both partners are struggling at work, Solomon says there is often a tendency to become competitive – a source of stress in the workplace. Olympicsif you want.
“The conversation can start something like, ‘I want to share my day with you because you’re a really important sounding board and a safe place,'” she says. “But the conversation can secretly turn into a comparison of who has it worse.”
Solomon recommends resisting the urge to compare your own experiences with those of your partner and remembering that any stress – including that which arises from this type of competition – is undesirable and negative effects on our health.
2. Set micro rituals‘
Creating ways to symbolize the transition from work time to leisure time—even, if not especially, if you work from home—can be critical to the strength of your relationship.
“For some people, it’s the walk home or getting changed after the workday, almost a ritual: ‘I’m taking today off, I got my work done, I showed up, I did what I was supposed to do. This is waiting for me tomorrow,'” she says. “Whatever micro-ritual you set up to transition from the workday to spending time with your partner,” she says, will be worth it.
3. Performance appraisals are not just for the office
Performance metrics, desired raises, and the basic need to stay busy are all reliable motivators when it comes to doing a good job at work. But how do you stay motivated at home?
“We don’t think, ‘In a year, I want to feel more connected to my partner,’ ‘I want us to have achieved this goal in our lives,’” says Jenna Glover, licensed psychologist and chief clinical officer at Headspacetold Assets. But, she emphasizes, maybe we should.
“Part of it is intentional and really getting to that point [home] “And when people do that, they can be successful both in their careers and in their relationships,” Glover explains.
Glover suggests relationship assessments as a way to ensure we don’t get lost in work or miss important time with our partner.
“Take the time to say, ‘There is no template for what it means to be successful in my relationship, like a Assessment of work performancebut I’ll take the time to figure out what that would actually look like,'” she suggests.
And don’t worry about making it too formal. Instead, Glover says, it’s about staying focused as you sit down with your partner and discuss goals and expectations for your family, career and personal relationship.
4. Save “romance” by defining it comprehensively
It is true that Stress affects libido. According to the Cleveland ClinicStress can decrease your libido by distracting you from sexual desire, and chronic stress can affect hormone levels, also leading to lower libido.
“Nobody’s desire increases through pressure,” says Solomon.
But romance and connection with your partner don’t have to begin and end with sex, she says.
“The definition of ‘romantic’ is the things we do that help us feel connected,” she says. “And there are many ways to feel connected other than through sex.”
She suggests making small but meaningful gestures toward intimacy and counteracting workplace burnout—for example, playing a game with your partner, dancing together in the kitchen, or lighting candles at dinner.
“Part of it is fighting back,” Solomon says, “and saying, ‘No, my job can’t take up all my time. And my sexual energy.'”
5. Try to avoid putting your partner on the defensive
If you feel like you’re not spending enough time with your partner because of one of your jobs (or both), a gentle way to counteract that is to start a conversation about it: How about a night without screens? How about going on a fun outing? Your partner can’t always read your mind or body language for clues about what you want, Solomon says.
But pointing fingers and blaming others, she adds, can leave them feeling attacked and guilty and defensive. Instead, take a break and calmly tell your partner that you miss their undivided attention.
Plus, she points out, workplace burnout is often, if not always, related to company culture, not the employee themselves. So while it’s easy to blame your partner for responding to work-related messages after hours, it’s also up to the employer to maintain boundaries outside of work hours.
“[Your partner] hasn’t created the culture that demands people be available 24/7, or that refuses to hire the right number of people to do the work, or whatever the dynamics are in the organization,” she says. “So I think part of that is also making sure that responsibility is given where it belongs.”
In fact, almost 70% of the working populationaccordingly Deloittebelieve their employer is not doing enough to prevent or alleviate burnout in their company, and 21% say their company does not offer any programs or initiatives to prevent or alleviate burnout.
“People have to work. So it’s really important for employees to think about, ‘What is my work experience like?’ And hopefully work is there to support quality of life, not detract from it,” Glover says.
She adds that we all have limited resources –limited time, limited energy– and that investing “too much” in a job guarantees that you will not get a good Work-life balance.
And figuring this out is becoming increasingly difficult, according to Solomon, because the term “work-life balance” itself can be misleading.
“We think they are two separate spheres,” she says. “But the boundary between home and work is actually quite permeable.”
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