55-Year-Old Woman’s Desperate Yearning for Grandma Status Drives 20-Something Kids Crazy – You Won’t Believe Her Tactics!

It was probably our first summer as empty nesters: our younger child, Joe, was spending three months in the U.S. at Camp America, before heading to university, and our eldest, Lois, had graduated and quickly secured herself a job, a house share, and a new adult life that didn’t require any input from her parents.

My husband John and I had taken our bikes and tent to Southwold, Suffolk, for the weekend. It would be fun, we told ourselves, just us two. No, obviously it wouldn’t be the same, but we could enjoy it. We would enjoy it. Of course we would.

We were deep into the countryside when I saw a miniature railway through the trees and stopped for a closer look.

Suddenly, without warning, invitation or provocation, tears pricked my eyes, and my throat was squeezed into a choke. On the little train I saw a gaggle of children, of different ages, in sunhats and jelly shoes, their chubby, sun-creamed thighs straddling the carriages, as the brightly coloured engine chuffed around the field.

Watching them were a clutch of middle-aged people, like John and me. Laden down like mug trees, with backpacks, raincoats and dripping lollies, they were using whatever hand was free to take photos and wave manically. They looked very happy.

‘This is it, this is perfect,’ I suddenly announced. ‘We’ll do this. We’ll bring the grandchildren here. We can swim in the sea, cook on the barbecue and take them on the railway. They’ll love it.’

‘What grandchildren are you talking about, exactly?’ John asked, a bit bemused.

‘Our grandchildren,’ I said. ‘Lois and Joe’s children. They can come too, obviously, if they want to, but we could do this during the school summer holidays, so they can work.’ Even as the words were coming out my mouth, I was aware how ridiculous they sounded.

My husband didn’t need to point out that we didn’t have any grandchildren, and — with our son and daughter then just 18 and 21 — we probably wouldn’t have, for quite some time.

But that was it for me. The seed was planted. I wanted to be a grandmother and the sooner the better. It’s a hankering that has increased with every passing year. My daughter, Lois, is now 26, my son 23.

Although both are in relationships, children are most definitely not on the cards despite my (I like to think subtle) hinting, that I’m here, ready, and ‘good to go’ with an enticing package of free childcare and school pick-ups, should they be tempted.

This desire to be a grandmother is something I share with the actress Fay Ripley. I laughed knowingly when she joked recently she’d been hiding contraception from her 20-year-old daughter because she’s so desperate for her to have a baby.

The actress, 57, quipped she is ‘encouraging an early pregnancy’ for her 20-year-old daughter Parker and will start pestering her 16-year-old son Sonny to think about children in a year’s time.

Fay sounds like my kind of person. I think I’d like to meet her in the babywear section of Marks and Spencer some time so we can do some ‘cooing’ together (yes, I’ve actually started doing that).

I just can’t understand women who baulk at the word grandmother. Twiggy recently confessed she refuses to let her grandchildren call her ‘Gran’. They call her ‘Mimi’ or something, which doesn’t sound as old.

In her memoir, A Lotus Grows In The Mud, Goldie Hawn described her aversion to the word ‘grandma’, saying it ‘had so many connotations of old age and decrepitude’.

So, instead she let her grandson choose for her. ‘My son Oliver decided I should be called Glam-Ma, which I thought was quite brilliant and made us all laugh so hard,’ she said.

Grandma, Nana, Nanny, Granny, Gan-Gan — I’d take any of them, gladly. Rapturously. And I really don’t mind how loudly they are bellowed across a playground, even if I’m in my favourite True Religion jeans and Adidas Superstar trainers, I’d come running.

So why this desperation to be a grandmother?

I think there are multiple factors here. First, I loved being a mother and adore children (I also, rather smugly, think I’m rather good at it, children tend to warm to me a lot more readily than adults do).

There is definitely a compelling medical and social argument for starting a family younger, hence setting the ball rolling for earlier grandparenting.

I had Lois shortly after my 29th birthday, which doesn’t sound very young, but nowadays having your first child under 30 is becoming increasingly rare.

First-time mothers in the UK are older than ever: in 2021, the average age hit 31 for a first baby. More and more women are having babies over the age of 40 too — the highest number since records began in 1949, and now double that of teenagers.

A generation or two ago, in 1973, the average age of British mothers was just 26.4 years. The difference between birth experiences of young and old mothers was illustrated to me with startling clarity when I gave birth to Lois in 1996. 

I’d had a relatively straightforward birth — admittedly extremely long, nearly 40 hours from first twinge to babe in arms — but all perfectly manageable, with no complications.

In the next bed to me was an 18-year-old. She was up the next morning, slipping into her size 10 jeans with ease and doing her make-up, looking like she’d experienced nothing more taxing than a long shopping trip the previous day.

Across the aisle were a clutch of fortysomethings, with drips, vomit trays, agonising caesarean wounds and doped up on heavy-duty painkillers. The teen and I actually helped the orderlies, getting them tea and toast.

Of course, that is a huge generalisation: there are plenty of 40-year-old mothers who have easy births, and likewise teenagers who have a terrible time, but on the whole, it’s fair to say that Mother Nature would prefer women to have their babies young.

I’d argue, Mother Nature would like her grandmothers young, too. If Lois were to have a child now, I’d be 55. I’m still very fit; I run, swim and go to the gym regularly.

I’ve also got a lot more free time, as luckily I’m in a financial position where I’ve been able to put those years of 60-hour working weeks behind me. Lois would have a good 15 to 20 years of quality ‘grandparenting’ from me.

And if she started her family the same age I did, I’d still only be 58.

But how quickly things change if you or your offspring put off motherhood by a few years. Just think, if I’d delayed it by ten years, and Lois had her first at 36 then I’d be 75.

In that scenario, if she put it off until 40, I’d be over 80, an age when I don’t think I should be attaching a child seat to my mountain bike — even if I was still around to own one.

The social, financial and practical advantages to having all three generations fit, healthy and able to support each other are immeasurable.

It may even help you live longer: in 2016, a team of researchers studied survival rates of more than 500 German and Swiss people aged between 75 and 103. They found that those who made time for their grandchildren, and looked after them regularly, lived, on average, five years longer.

Grandmothers just aren’t what they were generations ago. I agree with Goldie Hawn when she says the word ‘grandmother’ had negative, ageing associations, but I’d say they belong to a different era.

My own grandmothers must have been about my age when I was born, but I remember them as grey, stout, old women, in housecoats and support stockings, certainly not like the breed of glamorous grandmas you get today.

Boyzone star Ronan Keating and his first wife, the Irish model Yvonne Connolly, became grandparents earlier this year, aged 46 and 49 respectively, when their then 23-year-old son Jack had a little girl.

You won’t be seeing the gorgeous, youthful Yvonne in a tabard and rollers, complaining about her varicose veins, let me tell you. But what do my children think of my desire for them to start reproducing? There has been quite a bit of eye-rolling on the subject, although I try to be subtle.

Embarrassingly, I must confess the veneer of subtlety came crashing down a couple of Christmases ago when, after a few Kir Royales and Snowballs, I told them it ‘wouldn’t be a disaster’ if there was an accidental pregnancy.

I was duly told to shut up and quite rightly so. It’s really not my business to dictate how they choose to live their lives — they might not even want children (although that is an unbearably painful thought).

Nowadays, I try to keep my feelings to myself and allow myself a few whimsical moments staring at Babygros and sunhats in department stores. One day my little prince, or princess, will come . . . 

FESTIVALS AND A HOUSE COME FIRST

Lois Lawrence is a 26-year-old project manager, and lives in London. She says:

In the past year or so Mum’s definitely made me much more ‘aware’ she wants to be a grandmother. I wouldn’t say she’s got to the nagging stage — yet — but she thinks she’s more subtle in her hinting than she actually is.

I’ve heard the story of how she and Dad were living in rented accommodation, with no money and insecure jobs, when they had me, but I was the best thing that ever happened to them, etc . . . oh, about 100 times now.

Likewise, that anecdote about the teenager in the next hospital bed.

Fortunately, as she only brings it up once in a while, it doesn’t make me feel awkward. But because I want to hit other milestones in my life, such as buying a house, before I consider starting a family, it does create a bit of pressure to rush into those other stages so I can get to the point of thinking about having children.

My boyfriend and I are enjoying our lives right now, with a big group of friends, going to festivals and weekends away. I’m in no rush to bring these carefree years to a halt. Plus, I don’t even know if I can have children. Who does, 100 per cent, so what’s the point in talking about it, if it might not even happen anyway?

I know I would like them one day, if I can. I just hope the hints don’t get pushier and pushier the older I get.

She’s a great mum, though, so I know she’d be a naturally amazing grandmother — and I promise I am not saying this so I can have unlimited free babysitting when/if the time comes!