Effects of anxiety disorders in childhood one of eight childrenThis is a condition that many families struggle with. But despite their prevalence, anxiety disorders in children aren’t talked about much, leaving many parents feeling unprepared and even helpless when it comes to raising an anxious child.
“Children with anxiety disorders are often clingy, may have difficulty doing things independently, and may have temper tantrums,” he says Tyanna Snider, PsyD, a child psychologist at Nationwide Children’s Hospital. “It can impact the whole family.” Snider says parents face the challenge of setting boundaries with a child while validating their feelings.
But psychologists say they regularly help children with anxiety disorders, and part of that treatment involves teaching families how to respond to the condition’s symptoms. Although none of them claim that parenting a child with an anxiety disorder is easy, there are tools they have discovered that can make life with an anxious child a little smoother. Here’s what they recommend to all parents of children with anxiety disorders:
Anxiety can look like behavioral problems
Tantrums are common in all children over a certain age, but can also occur in children with anxiety disorders. “Anxiety can manifest itself in yelling at you or arguing about something,” says Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical assistant professor at the university NYU Langone Health and a co-host of the Mind in sight Podcast. “Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out whether this is normal child behavior or whether it is due to something bigger or deeper.”
These tantrums “can be very difficult for the child with anxiety to control, but it is still very important to set limits and have limits,” says Snider. That means you don’t want to attribute a tantrum to your child’s fears and assume there’s nothing you can do about it. As your child calms down, Snider recommends reminding them that you have rules and expectations and that there are consequences if they are not followed. “You still have to provide discipline and consequences in a matter-of-fact way,” she says.
It’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings
Validating your child’s emotions is an important step when they’re upset, he says Izabela Milaniak, PhDlicensed psychologist in the Anxiety Behaviors Clinic in the University’s Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. She recommends practicing something called “developmental empathy.” Don’t dismiss concerns that might feel like a big deal given your child’s age. “A child’s worries may seem silly to an adult, but they are proportional to their world,” she says. “Avoid comments like, ‘It’s no big deal’ or ‘You don’t have to worry.'” Instead, Milaniak says it’s important for your child to know that you understand that he or she is upset.
She recommends saying something like, “I know the morning before school is hard for you. I can see that you are scared and would rather stay at home. I understand that: sometimes I want to stay away from work because I’m nervous too.”
Gallagher emphasizes that “feelings are always real,” even if you don’t understand why your child is having them in a particular moment. “We can always acknowledge how terrible fear can feel,” she says. Gallagher recommends talking to your child about “pushing the fear back,” emphasizing that they can be in control of their emotions and not allow fear to take over.
Staying calm is crucial
Ammon says it’s important to keep a level head with your child. “Sometimes it can be difficult to keep a cool head when your child is distressed, screaming or crying,” she admits. Gallagher agrees, but emphasizes the importance of remaining calm. “If you can, stay as calm as possible,” she says.
Gallagher points out that moods can be contagious. “If you’re in a crisis situation and someone else is freaking out, your fight-or-flight response will also contribute to that,” she says. If you find that you have a hard time staying calm when your child is elevated, she recommends talking to their therapist about resources you can use or considering therapy for yourself. “The best thing you can do with your child when they’re upset is to stay as calm as possible, reiterate their options, and talk about the choices they can make,” she says.
Sometimes you have to let them ride the wave of fear
Anxiety can be hard to stop, especially when a child is really excited, says Snider. “If your child has the highest level of anxiety—10 out of 10—sometimes we have to ride that wave,” she says. “They are unlikely to make effective change when they are already at such a high level.”
This can mean simply being there for your child, giving them hugs, or giving them space to themselves until they calm down, says Gallagher. “If a child is having a tantrum or an anxiety attack, we want to get them to a safe place so they can express their feelings,” Snider says. This is a good time to help them practice skills learned in therapy, such as: For example, taking five deep breaths at a time, counting backwards in increments of three, or other techniques your doctor has told you. “It can distract them for a moment, relax their body and calm their brain,” says Snider.
Don’t completely avoid the things that cause your child anxiety
If something scares your child, it’s understandable that you’ll want to do everything you can to help them avoid it. But experts say this can actually make the situation worse. “The main mechanism that increases anxiety symptoms over time is Avoidance“When a child escapes the experience of fear, embarrassment, insecurity, distress or other negative feelings,” says Milaniak. “Until an anxiety disorder develops, a child repeatedly exhibits avoidance behavior patterns, such as: E.g. not raising your hand in class, not going to school and not speaking.”
But repeatedly avoiding a situation can make anxiety worse, he says Hillary AmmonPsyD, a clinical psychologist at Women’s Anxiety and Emotional Wellbeing Center. “You may have an instinct to protect them and allow them to avoid anything that causes them fear or anxiety,” she says. “Unfortunately, this decision to help them escape sometimes increases fears for the child.”
Instead, Milaniak recommends that parents “compassionately encourage courage” in anxious children. This means reiterating expectations by saying things like, “I know this is hard for you and going to school is one of your responsibilities, just like going to work is mine.” What can we do about school attendance today easier to do?” Milaniak says it’s important to remain firm, even if things escalate with your child. “Stay calm and repeat a steady mantra to show that your child’s feelings aren’t scaring you,” she says. This may include saying something like, “You have big feelings because you’re afraid.” I’m not afraid of your big feelings. We will get through this together. Emotions don’t last forever and this one will be over soon.”
For example, if your child throws objects, hits others, or runs out of a car, it’s important to have consequences for their behavior, says Milaniak. “Emotions are always valid, but we must be responsible for what we do with them,” she emphasizes.
Highlight the good things too
When you have a child with anxiety, there’s a lot to deal with, but doctors say it’s important to do this Praise your child if they are well. “Emphasize when things are going well—don’t just focus on the things that didn’t go well,” says Gallagher.
Snider agrees. “You still want to do the typical parenting and show them you’re proud of them,” she says. Open-ended questions can also be helpful. For example, ask your child to share the best and worst moments of their day as you eat dinner together or ride in the car. “It opens the door to communication and feelings when things aren’t going well,” she says.
Overall, Snider recommends remembering to do your best. “Often parents of children with anxiety are very stressed, frustrated and unsure of what to do next,” she says. “But it’s important to remember that you are a good parent and caregiver, even if it feels like things aren’t going well in that moment.”
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