I was recently hired by another company looking for a better opportunity. An associate from my previous company offered to meet me near my new job and took me out to lunch as a token of gratitude for my work there; he also wanted my headhunter contacts as he is looking to make a move himself. As we ate, I mentioned that most of my new team, including my boss, are women, and that both the dynamics and the work-life balance were better than at the previous firm. He responded with “This may sound sexist, but…” and went on to make a disparaging comment about women.
My question: You are harassing me because of my headhunting contacts. I feel like I owe him nothing, but I don’t want a confrontation. That I have to do? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
The way people learn that their sexist attitudes are not only wrong but also ugly is by taking responsibility for expressing them. You don’t say the comment was out of character for your former colleague. In particular, if you think it reflects her worldview, you would be helping the cause of gender equality if you told her that her sexist comment made you not want to advance her career. Would the cost be too high for you? Since they’re in the same line of business, he might judge that alienating you is a bad idea; perhaps he intends to damage his reputation as revenge for defiance.
Unfortunately, there is no direct way to avoid your request without offending. Ignoring him might just prompt him to annoy you even more, and your goal is apparently to get him out of your life, not have him buzzing around you like an irritated wasp. You could give him what he wants to keep the peace, but that could gnaw at your conscience. Your last option is to provide him with your contacts, while letting headhunters know about your concerns about him. If he does, he must find a way to let his former colleague know too that he found his comment disturbing.
one extra question
Over the holidays, my partner’s teenage nephew came out of the closet. I started dating his aunt before she was born, so she’s family to me. I love him very much, and I tried to be as supportive as I could. I’m the first adult to tell him. He also told me that he is dating a boy from school.
Here’s the problem: Your father’s behavior toward LGBTQ people is dangerous, and the father has been violent in the past. He once physically attacked a person he took to be a drag queen while he was drunk, and his attitude towards gay men is terrible. My sister-in-law separated from him years ago, but my nephew still spends half his time at his father’s house. So all I can think about is what if this guy comes home and his kid is making out with a guy, which my nephew tells me has almost happened at least once.
I know I can’t betray my nephew’s trust and rat him out to his mom (who might step in before anything happens), but I really don’t think it’s safe with his dad. And he’s just a kid. How do I tell a 14-year-old boy, who is already afraid that his family will not accept him because he is gay, not to sleep with the boy he likes because his father may be a violent homophobe? ? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
This teenager is lucky to have a loving adult by his side whom he trusts. But clearly you think it would be better if he also trusted his mother. The first thing he should do is help his niece think about whether he should tell her, especially since he could help mitigate the risk posed by his father’s anti-gay attitudes and behavior. You could even volunteer to be there when he tells him to, if he thinks it would be helpful.
But regardless of what your nephew decides on this, you should have a frank discussion with him about his father’s attitudes and alert him to your concerns. Fourteen-year-olds are generally not prepared for all the emotional ups and downs of first love, and they may be willing to take more risks than they should.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader whose wealthy friend had recently confided that she obtained financial aid for her son’s college by getting his stepmother to lie and claim him as a dependent on her taxes for several years. This friend and her husband have a combined income of more than $500,000. Our letter writer shared: “I just found out that her son is now receiving a full grant for a very expensive private college. I’m supposed to go on a weekend trip with my friend in a few weeks, but I’m so upset about this that I don’t know if I can talk to her. Is this a fraud? What is my responsibility in this situation?”
In his response, the ethicist noted, “What your friend is doing is very wrong, and the outrage you feel is an appropriate response. You have another reason to be angry. By telling you this story, your friend showed that she took you for someone who would share her indifference to the moral issues here.” The Eticist exempted the author of the letter from the obligation to report the hoax, but wrote: “She should at least tell her that what she and her family are doing is abhorrent, as well as illegal, and that they shouldn’t be doing it next year. . … Your scheming friend is basically playing Robin Hood backwards. Maybe this is not a friendship worth holding on to. (Reread the full question and answer here.)
⬥
This is not a no-fault, no-damage situation; it is the theft of a large amount of money, probably tens of thousands of dollars, that should have gone to a more deserving student. Would the ethicist advocate turning a blind eye and not reporting a friend who had robbed a bank? Of course not. What is the difference? — craig
⬥
I love the idea of the ethicist of confront the friend with the concept that she seems to think you are the type of person who would tolerate, or even admire, such fraud. They have insulted you. After all these years, she has no idea who you are and what your morals are? — Cliff
⬥
The son may not know the full story or understand the implications of their parents’ fraud as we’ve seen in recent news. He is the one who would perhaps suffer the most from his dismissal from the school. That record could follow him throughout his career. What a terrible example for a child. — pamela
⬥
instead of ethical Euphemism for Robin Hood, can we acknowledge that this is likely a white collar crime? A heist of tens of thousands of dollars? It is true that there was no threat of violence and they belong to an economically advantaged demographic. — both ingredients in the disparities we see in arrests, convictions, and sentencing. I’m sure his actions reflect advice from a certain “smart” crowd. The writer is right: he is despicable. — Robert
⬥
decades ago, I was one of those financially needy kids who received a full scholarship for all four years. I consider that gift to be the foundation of the person I have become. College was my first experience of being intellectually supported and encouraged. This family has stolen more than money. — wandajunio