My son has three children and is divorced from his mother. He is an alcoholic and as a result has been unable to pay child support beyond the divorce settlement. He can’t even support himself. The children’s mother has full custody. Every request I make to contact my grandchildren is ignored, sent gifts go unrecognized, sent checks go uncashed. As his grandmother, I miss children terribly. I have been attending school plays and athletic events in which they participate. I do not associate with anyone, I sit in the last rows and I am sure that they will not see me. But is this bullying? Are my actions selfish and selfish, trying to share their life even though they don’t want me? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
Who says you’re not wanted? What is clear is that your daughter-in-law does not want you in the lives of your grandchildren. He certainly has his reasons. Maybe she thinks you misbehaved during the breakup; maybe she intends to keep her ex-husband out of her house and she sees you as the skinny end of a hateful wedge. You say that your son cannot support himself, which suggests that you could be the one to support him. If she feels hurt by her ex, this support could, in psychologically understandable but not morally defensible ways, put you in enemy camp.
Because you have full custody, you can get away with it until the children are old enough to make their own decisions. But what you describe is not bullying. It is not a form of harassment, which causes fear or anxiety. Neither are you lounging behind the privet hedge or eavesdropping from the next bench in the Olive Garden. Apparently she is joining public gatherings at public events, while she does so in a way that respects the mother’s apparent desire to avoid contact. And grandmothers, by our usual cultural scripts, are expected to be admirers, even admirers, of their grandchildren.
My perspective may be influenced by the fact that my siblings and I discovered that our relationships with our grandmothers were enormously important. Depriving these children of your love naturally seems like a bad idea to me. It is also not right to deprive yourself of a meaningful relationship with your offspring, in the absence of a compelling reason. So unless I left out a critical detail, I hope your mother changes her mind. If her relationship with her grandchildren rekindles later in their lives, they may find it encouraging to know that you never stopped caring about them.
one additional question
My spouse and I plan to move in a few months. We live on a one lane street with a beautiful view, beautiful homes, wonderful neighbors, and limited parking. My spouse says that if the highest offer on our house comes from a vacation home rental company, we should take it. I am horrified that my spouse would consider this. There are currently three houses that have been sold to such companies, and two have had problems: inadequate parking which has caused blockages on our narrow street, and a large number of vacationers (10-12 for a weekend). I think we should sell our house to a family, even if it’s for less money. Our neighbors are our friends and I don’t want to create a disturbing situation for them. My spouse says that money is money. What is the ethical solution? —Bunnee Butterfield, Redmond, Wash.
From the ethical:
I appreciate your concern for the welfare of your neighbors. It’s not obvious to me that the transition from three to four rental houses down the road will make much of a difference, but that’s something you and your spouse are better able to judge. Unfortunately, selling to a family doesn’t protect your neighbors in the long run; the next buyer could sell it to one of these rental companies. Plus, homeowners can make their home available on Airbnb and the like, and vacation home renters aren’t the only ones who can host large groups over the weekend.
As for selling only to people who will be good neighbors: The problem is that it’s hard to predict how people will use a house and affect its surroundings. Since one’s home is often a major component of one’s financial assets, your spouse’s view that price is the main thing to consider, that “money is money,” should not be discounted entirely. It is a common misconception that an ethical course of action should not give weight to self-interest; in fact, your interests are among the things you need to consider. Refusing to give up real money for speculative profit doesn’t seem so scary to me.
If you are considering offers from rental companies, please raise concerns about parking and noise. A responsible company will have established rules; You’ll want to protect the home’s value. People who live on your street can come together to ask the rental companies that are already there to enforce their occupancy rules or ask the municipality to adopt new ones. Bad behavior is best addressed through collective action, not your individual sacrifice.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader who got into a big fight with her husband over a banana peel that she threw out the car window. Despite repeated promptings from her, she refused to apologize. She wrote: “What some may view as a minor event has turned into a real flaw in our marriage. …Refuses to acknowledge that she made a mistake or to change her behavior. We have reached an impasse on this issue.”
In her response, the ethicist acknowledged that her husband was wrong to litter, but noted: “However, in a relationship that works, you know when to quit and move on; you do not insist on a full admission of guilt. Facts matter, but from an ethical perspective, kindness counts too. … Both her and his responses suggest that there may be deeper issues in her relationship. A marriage that is on solid ground should not slip on a banana peel.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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First, thanks to the ethicist for tackling the issues most of us face. Regarding this “banana peel” incident, there’s an adage I love, and I think it applies well here: “When given the choice to be nice or right, choose to be nice.” — July
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The biggest fight I’ve ever had with my wife it was whether brown or white rice was healthier. We went back and forth with articles and research for a couple of days, until we decided together that brown rice is a bit healthier but quinoa beats both easily. If the letter writer’s husband isn’t willing to learn that she was wrong about something so trivial, he wouldn’t trust her to respectfully participate in the event of a larger disagreement. — Pink
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The ethicist is right; It’s time to calm down and forgive. An apology from both parties would probably be appropriate, perhaps with a hug and a glass of wine and a bit of a laugh at the absurdity of fighting over banana peels. Of course, a clean environment is important, but so is a relationship, hopefully. And showing a child how to love and forgive is also important. — marsha
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When my husband and I they got together for the first time, he wouldn’t apologize for anything. I couldn’t understand it. I finally explained that I didn’t want him to apologize to humiliate him; I wanted her to apologize to make me feel better because she was hurt. (It is absolutely critical that this was true.) Since then, she has had no problem apologizing. She got this concept of apology as humiliation from her father, who used it in just that way. — Cowboy
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I am a regular reader and I have never responded before. The banana peel scenario is very common. More importantly, the conflict between the letter writer and her weirdo husband is a wonderfully articulated part of life, so raw and vulnerable and honest. She could feel every bump in the road. This should be required reading for any premarital couple. — Kevin
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