Can My New Boyfriend Stop My Ex From Visiting Our Dog?

A year into our relationship, I adopted a dog with my now ex-partner. I’m a veterinarian, and we adopted a sick dog with a lot of recurrent medical needs. After two and a half years of dating, we broke up last May. Our breakup was amicable, and we agreed I would take the dog given that I’m better equipped to manage her health issues. (During the relationship, I was also the one that paid for all of her medical bills, food, etc.) We further agreed that he would most likely see her every now and then.

I have since started dating someone new, and he doesn’t like my ex spending time with the dog. I am at a loss about what to do. Although we haven’t been dating long, it is unlike any relationship I have been in — we have talked about spending our lives together. I don’t want to upset him by letting my ex have time with the dog. I also feel so guilty about not letting my ex have time with her. I have seen people break up and both are still involved in the dog’s life, so I did not think it would be an issue. My partner says that people he has known have gone through similar things and says they all agree it is unusual to keep my ex involved in my dog’s life. — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

I count four stakeholders here. There’s the dog, who presumably relishes your ex’s occasional visits but doesn’t pine for him when he’s away. There’s your ex, who has enjoyed the benefits of having a dog in his life without any of the responsibilities — but whose affection for her is no doubt genuine. And there’s your current partner, who probably thinks of the dog-sharing as something tying you to your earlier relationship and would prefer a clean break.

Does your partner fear that you haven’t moved on emotionally? You plainly have. As for what he says is the testimony of his friends: It matters more that you know examples in which animal visits have been sustained after a split without generating conflict. All told, his insistence sounds a bit mistrustful and a bit controlling.

Which brings us to you, our most important stakeholder. You made an agreement with your ex about the dog, and though such agreements aren’t beyond renegotiation, you’re right to think that your word should have weight. What’s more, when you are starting a new relationship, it’s important to be clear about boundaries. I would be careful about just giving into your current partner. You’re worried about upsetting him. Equally, shouldn’t he worry about upsetting you?

Readers Respond

The previous column’s question was from a woman whose son was an alcoholic and lost custody to his children after his divorce. Her former daughter-in-law refused to allow her to visit her grandchildren, despite her repeated attempts. So she found ways to secretly see them. She wrote: “I have been attending school plays and athletics events that they participate in. I don’t engage with anyone, sit in back rows and am sure to be unseen. But is this stalking? Are my actions selfish and self-serving, trying to share in their life though I am not wanted?”

In his response, the Ethicist noted: “What you describe isn’t stalking. It’s not a form of harassment, causing fear or anxiety. … Depriving these children of your love, naturally, strikes me as a bad idea. Nor is it right to deprive you of a meaningful relationship with your progeny, absent a compelling reason. So unless you’ve omitted a critical detail, I hope their mother has a change of heart. If your relationship with your grandkids is rekindled later in their lives, they may find it heartening to know that you never stopped caring about them.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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The Ethicist suggests the letter writer’s actions do not cause “fear or anxiety,” but that is a huge assumption. This kind of disregard for clearly-set boundaries can be exhausting and distressing to the person making the requests for no contact. The letter writer says she makes sure she isn’t seen at events, but the gifts she mails do not seem to be anonymous and there’s no guarantee she won’t be spotted in the future. Absent legitimate concerns about the grandchildren’s well-being, the letter writer should respect her former daughter-in-law’s boundaries. — Kate

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Children have rights to a whole family, or as close as they can come to one. Many states have laws that mandate grandparent visitation. The grandmother is not asking for much, and she has demonstrated a genuine interest in the children and their lives. She should seek the advice of a lawyer — an ethical one, of course. — Agnes

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I think the key point in the Ethicist’s response is “unless you’ve omitted a critical detail.” The often-strained relationship between mothers and mothers-in-law is well-documented. A spouse can see their partner’s least exemplary character traits as a direct result of their upbringing. Shielding the next generation from this influence is a driving reason behind how much access a parent allows to their offspring. — Marisa

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Better than lurking, the grandmother should seek out a family law attorney to help her secure visitation rights if the court felt it were appropriate. What she is doing most definitely feels like stalking, especially because she knows she is unwelcome and is inserting herself over the objections of the children’s parent. — Sherry

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I agree with the Ethicist’s response, and would just add that the grandmother may want to consider reaching out to the mother directly with a good-will token, or consider therapy for how to approach the mother. I was in a similar situation with an alcoholic partner. My former mother-in-law went above and beyond to support me as a single mother and made me feel like her daughter. I needed that support, and it helped me to both trust her and heal. — Krista