By Elena Sledge, as told to Kara Mayer Robinson

I have been living with depression for almost 12 years. I’m now 31 years old and discovered I had major depressive disorder when I was 19.

I had a miserable first year of college, but I didn’t really know what was wrong. I saw a therapist and the following summer I was diagnosed with major depression. Looking back, I can see that I was depressed in high school too.

Accepting my diagnosis was a process. I had a hard time understanding why I was depressed and where it was coming from. In my opinion, I hadn’t been through anything bad enough to warrant major depressive disorder.

Therapy helped. My therapist normalized and validated my experience. At one point, she told me, “You have depression because you have it.” That’s something I’ve never forgotten.

I realized that I needed to accept my diagnosis and take steps to help myself.

Symptom management

I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently over the years. That was what helped me the most.

I have also taken several medications. I was on an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) for about 2 years when I was first diagnosed. The effects wore off, but it helped me a lot at first.

I tried other medications for short periods of time, such as other SSRIs and SNRIs (serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors). They helped me when I needed them. I’m 100% all for mental health medication, but it’s not something I feel like I need right now. If that changes, I’ll probably try again.

I also made a lot of changes in my lifestyle. Two years ago I started working with a personal trainer because I was barely active. I feel stronger and have more energy. I still work with the same trainer 4 days a week.

With exercise, I try to take care of my body in a way that makes me feel good. I also focus on getting enough sleep. I hardly drink alcohol. I focus on maintaining a routine in my day and taking care of my spiritual health.

Support from friends and family

I feel lucky to have the support I have. I have done a lot to maintain close relationships because relationships are very important to me.

My husband is fantastic and has also lived with depression. Many of my friends and family have experienced depression or other mental health issues, so they are very understanding.

It’s helpful to have someone listen, care, and take the time to talk to you about what’s happening. Social support is enormous. I believe human connection is very important for growth and healing.

Trigger management

I’m not constantly experiencing depressive episodes right now, but I find it easy to fall into them. It’s interesting because my brain really knows how to be depressed. In a way, it is very familiar and comfortable.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to feel like a failure. Most of the time it arises in connection with my work. I am a mental health counselor. Owning a private practice and trying to help others can sometimes feel overwhelming and lead to depressive thoughts and symptoms.

I have to do a lot to manage my thoughts and not start to feel ashamed. To release my emotions, I write them down or talk about them with someone. I also reframe my thoughts to more compassionate ones like “I am enough,” “I’m trying,” or “It won’t be like this forever.”

Sometimes I still feel spiraled when too many things happen. My main trigger is feeling overwhelmed by personal events and world events. The world events of the last two years have definitely had an impact. It’s very easy for anyone to feel desperate and hopeless these days.

I know my triggers and try to be proactive. I do best when I get enough sleep, stay active, manage my schedule effectively, and show myself compassion. Depression likes to hold on to doubt. Thoughts like “you’re a failure” or “it’ll never get better” can grow quite quickly.

My biggest obstacle

My biggest struggle was when I was in my twenties, when I was suicidal. Many times I felt out of control and didn’t know if I could stay safe. My symptoms were severe and I needed more support. I feel like therapy saved my life. Medication was also important. I got over it then, but passive suicidal thoughts can still arise.

Living with the ups and downs

My ups and downs were much more intense and severe when I was in my early 20s. The roller coaster can still be very hard, but overall I experience much more peace at this time in my life.

When I feel great, I feel great. Sometimes I feel good.

To handle the ups and downs, I rely on what I know helps me, like going to therapy, getting support from my friends and husband, and staying active.

What I know now

The most important thing I have learned is that I am not my depression. It’s something I experience and live with, but it’s not me.

Depression has helped me grow and expand in ways I may not have otherwise. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and if I had the choice, I wouldn’t choose it for myself either. But it’s the hand that dealt me ​​and it’s good to see how it has shaped me.

It made me more compassionate. He inspired me, along with a powerful therapist I once had, to become a therapist. He led me to support others.

I used to resent my depression a lot, but not anymore. As horrible as it has been over the years, it is an important part of my life and has helped me in many ways.