Psychologists at Simon Fraser University (SFU) and the University of Sussex have found that people are as hesitant to approach an old friend as they are to strike up a conversation with a stranger, even when they had the ability and desire to do so. . The new research is published today in the journal. Psychology of nature communications.
Scientific research has shown that social relationships are important for human happiness and that the greater the number and variety of friendships we establish, the better our well-being. But once relationships are formed, some will naturally wax and wane, and many of us will lose touch with friends and family we were once close with.
Like old friends who had reconnected, Professor Lara Aknin of SFU and Dr. Gillian Sandstrom of the University of Sussex in Brighton, UK, were eager to find out what’s stopping other people from doing the same.
Sandstrom, senior lecturer in the psychology of kindness and director of the Sussex Kindness Research Centre, said: “We live in a time when people are increasingly disconnected and have fewer close friends than in years past. And this This despite the multitude of modern communication channels available to us – with research finding that it takes more than 200 hours of contact to turn a new acquaintance into a close friend* – we wanted to find out if people were overlooking another path and why. to a meaningful connection: reviving pre-existing close friendships.
Across seven studies, psychologists examined nearly 2,500 participants’ attitudes toward reconnecting with lost friendships, the barriers and reasons for doing so, and whether specific interventions could encourage them to send that first message to an old friend.
“We found that the majority of participants (90 percent) in our first study had lost contact with someone they still cared about. However, a significant number (70 percent) were neutral, or even negative, about the idea to get in touch at that time, even when they were fond of friendship,” says Aknin, director of SFU’s Help and Happiness Lab and co-author of the paper.
Recognizing that people sometimes say one thing and do another, psychologists designed a study to see how many people were willing to reach out to an old friend. Even when participants wanted to reconnect, thought the friend would appreciate it, had their contact information, and were given time to compose and send a message, only about a third actually sent it (28 percent in one study and 37 percent in another). study).
The psychologists set out to compare this hesitancy to reconnect by having participants rate their willingness to immediately perform a variety of activities, including calling or texting a friend with whom they had lost contact. They found that participants were just as reluctant to approach an old friend as they were to strike up a conversation with a stranger, or even to pick up trash.
The main barriers reported included fear that the old friend would not want to hear from him, that it would be “too awkward after all this time,” and feeling “guilt.” The perception of being too busy (both the old friend and the participant) was the least cited reason for not contacting.
In particular, the psychologists found that participants believed there were only a few legitimate reasons for getting in touch, with the friend’s birthday being the most compelling. Reconnecting through remembering a shared experience was the second most reported reason. Participants were the least likely to consider contacting an old friend to ask a favor.
As part of the research, the psychologists tested specific interventions, responding to the findings of four of the studies. Inspired by an earlier intervention by Sandstrom on how to talk to strangers, they found that practicing social connection with current networks by first messaging a warm friend was the most successful strategy, increasing contact rates by more than two-thirds.
Sandstrom explained: “Interestingly, even though people told us that a key barrier to making contact with an old friend was worry about how the message might be received, the intervention we devised to help overcome this anxiety had little effect.
“Since participants were as hesitant to approach a stranger as they were to approach someone they had previously been close to, we were inspired by previous research I had conducted on how to talk to strangers, which found that the practice progressed. When people were given time to practice In a situation where they felt most comfortable, i.e. messaging current friends, they were much more likely to take the leap and message someone they had lost touch with.”
Aknin adds: “We know from decades of research that social relationships are a key source of happiness and meaning in our lives.
“Gillian and I are old friends, dating back to our time as PhD students in Canada. We’ve been in touch on and off since then, but we reconnected recently on New Year’s Day 2022 when I emailed her to tell her We missed her and wanted to collaborate on a new project. We were inspired by our period of disconnection and decided to study if and when people are willing to reach out to old friends.
“We hope these findings prompt other people to send that first message to someone they miss in their lives.”