Donna Supitilov Skora started the Surrogate Grandparents – USA Facebook page in 2015. She said she and her husband are alienated grandparents from their son’s children and she was hoping to build a community to connect people together.
The group now has more than 8,500 people, and there are also other groups in other countries.
Skora loved hearing about the connection made by the Wilsons and Horvaths. She said not everyone shares their success stories on the Facebook group, so she doesn’t know how many successful matches there have been, but she tries to highlight and celebrate them.
Not all members of her group find successes.
“I tell people that are looking at this as an overnight fix, they will become disappointed quickly,” she said.
People’s relationships forged through the group take many forms. Some are local and some are long-distance. Some last for years and others don’t.
Skora said she doesn’t know of anyone in her group who has fallen victim to a scam or bad relationship. There was one person who had to be kicked out of the group when another became uncomfortable with the situation.
Skora and other administrators of the site do their best to review the Facebook profile of the person wanting to join the page. Members of the group also do a good job policing it, she said.
Getting to know each other
For their first meeting in July, the Horvaths and Wilsons agreed to meet at a neutral place. They were only scheduled to meet for 20 minutes at a local park, but “honestly, we kind of hit it off and we went and got a beer and went to lunch,” Nick recalled.
“Very quickly it was, ‘Let’s keep going,’ and that wasn’t expected because especially that day my guard was up,” he said. “It’s been very organic and very good, and there’s no reason to pause.”
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They also had discussions up front about their thoughts on religion and politics to see if they meshed, which they did.
Both women are extremely organized, have careers, like to decorate and have other similar interests. And Rich and Nick both work in supply chain management.
A few weeks later, Lara and Rich were invited to come to LJ’s birthday party.
“I saw Rich holding Graham, and LJ was talking to him across the table,” said Lara. “When I saw the look on Rich’s face, I just immediately thought, ‘This is the happiest we’ve been since Zach has died.’ ”
When Zach died, Rich said, “I lost a sense of meaning in my life.
“This doesn’t completely fill the void by any means, but it’s something,” he said. “It’s something that says, ‘Hey, there’s something else for you to do. Here’s another way of sharing what you have with the world’ when a lot of that was shut down for me.”
Said Lara: “it’s brought a joy in our life that’s been missing for such a long time since Zach died.”
Spending time together
The two families have seen each other almost every weekend since meeting in late July.
Some protective friends were worried that each couple or the kids might get hurt or scammed in the process.
Nick said he also was apprehensive when Cassie wanted to join the group and eventually suggested they meet up with the Wilsons.
But now, he said, “there’s a sense of comfort” to have Rich and Lara in their lives as busy full-time working parents who understand the busyness of raising a family and working.
“I don’t know how or why, but I just got a good vibe and reassurance, and it’s a connection that’s hard to explain,” he said.
“It just fit and it wasn’t forced,” Cassie agreed.
LJ knows that Rich and Lara are not her parents’ mom and dad, but she doesn’t ask too many questions about the relationship and loves them, Cassie said.
LJ switches between calling the Wilsons by their first names and Grandma Lara and Grandpa Rich.
Cassie said the bond her children are forming with their surrogate grandparents is more important than any material gifts.
“I want LJ to have sleepovers and have game nights and for them to come to all of her ballet recitals and grandparents’ day at school,” she said.
A budding relationship
Lara said Cassie and Nick have very purposeful about not asking too much of the Wilsons. Lara is the one who suggested that she and Rich babysit the kids once a month after she heard that the Horvaths had not been out on a date since Graham was born.
“It’s something we wanted to do for them,” Lara said. “It’s not actually just about us and the grandkids. We’ve come to find that it’s about relating to their parents as well and having a relationship with them.”
Cassie and Lara have also discovered an added bonus – an extra special relationship.
The two talk or text almost every day.
“I do try to give her some motherly comfort or suggestions,” Lara said.
Said Nick: “I think Cassie definitely looks at Lara as part friend, part mom. They definitely have a lot of one-on-one conversations.
“That’s definitely a gap that no one has filled for her because of her mom.”
Cassie said she is respectful about not wanting to take the place of the Wilsons’ children. Cassie has met the Wilsons’ oldest child, who is supportive of the relationship, as well as the rest of the Wilsons’ extended family.
As Zach’s birthday was approaching, Cassie gave Lara a special present: a picture of the exact night sky the date Zach was born in Wilmington, Delaware.
The picture read: “There are some who bring a light so great to the world that even after they’re gone a light remains. In loving memory of Zachary Stockwell Wilson.”
Cassie had put together pieces from Facebook posts and conversations to get the details for the night sky.
Said Lara: “I mean, who does that? Who goes to that level of detail? Somebody who loves you, right?”
‘We have some hope and joy’
Last Christmas was very hard for Rich and Lara.
It was the first after Zach died.
The couple went to a Blue Christmas church service for people in need of comfort. On Christmas Eve, they went to Lara’s mom’s church and Lara had to leave during “Joy to the World” because she said she felt so hopeless.
This year, “it’s still going to be hard, but at least we have some hope and joy.”
The Wilsons have been invited to Nick and Cassie’s house for Christmas. The gathering will include what Cassie calls her “unconventional” family — Cassie’s dad, her ex-stepdad and her brother and sister.
Cassie’s dad was very supportive of her finding surrogate grandparents.
When she said she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he responded: “Why would I ever have negative feelings or opinions about more love for my grandchildren?”
The Wilsons gush when they talk about LJ and Graham and light up when they pull up pictures.
One day, while I was at the Wilsons’ home for this column, Cassie sent Lara a video text of LJ in ballet class.
Rich and Lara stopped and watched their surrogate granddaughter dancing on their phone – and smiled.
Beacon Journal columnist Betty Lin-Fisher can be reached at 330-996-3724 or blinfisher@thebeaconjournal.com. Follow her @blinfisherABJ on Twitter or www.facebook.com/BettyLinFisherABJ. To see her most recent stories and columns, go to www.tinyurl.com/bettylinfisher