Leading gerontologist Bernice Neugarten identifies five styles of grandparenting. (FILE PHOTO — Courtesy of Metro Creative Connection)
Four years ago, our son and his wife announced that they were expecting a baby boy. I was thrilled to add “Grandma” to my resume — but a little nervous, too.
My husband and I were semi-retired and settled in our empty nest, living quietly in a kid-free zone. It had been more than three decades since we’d sprawled on the floor with Lego building blocks and memorized the lyrics to “The Wheels on the Bus.”
So, I couldn’t help but wonder: Had my childcare skills gotten rusty? Would holding my new grandson feel as natural as cradling my son when he was a baby? Did I have what it takes to be a good grandma?
I didn’t worry about practical issues like choosing a car seat or a portable stroller. But I knew that there’s a fine line between hovering and supporting, and I wasn’t sure how to get it right.
Gerontologist Bernice Neugarten, who conducted a study on the topic, identified five different styles of grandparenting.
Fairly self-explanatory, the styles are: Formal Grandparents (not overly involved by choice), Surrogate Parents (grandparents who provide primary childcare), Fun Seekers (grand “pals” who leave discipline to the parents), Reservoirs of Family Wisdom (advice-giving grandparents) and Distant Figures (the long-distance ones who see grandkids only on holidays).
Needless to add, a style that works for one family won’t always work for another. I’m nowhere near “formal” by any stretch, and I know better than to throw nuggets of child-rearing wisdom at my son and his wife.
As our Liam careens from toddlerhood to childhood, I’m simply winging it as I go along.
Dump trucks and superheroes
One of the first things I’ve learned is that grandparenting is not a do-over.
As soon as my grandson was born, I was tempted to revisit all the books, games, and toys my son and I enjoyed ages ago. I pictured myself reading old favorites aloud to Liam, the two of us wrapped in a cozy blanket of nostalgia.
But just because something is considered “a classic” doesn’t mean it will automatically appeal to a new generation of little dudes who are more techno-savvy than we are. It pays to remind ourselves that every small child is a unique individual who’s already developing his own tastes and preferences.
You might try, as I did, to introduce your grandchild to the adventures of Beatrix Potter’s Benjamin Bunny, only to find he’s hooked on stories about garbage trucks, dump trucks and construction sites. And that’s OK. I’m proud to say I finally know the difference between a backhoe and a bulldozer.
I’ve also expanded my definition of quality time. Bonding opportunities are everywhere if I’m willing to push beyond my comfort zone.
There’s the new realm of Marvel superheroes and supervillains, for example. During a recent visit with Liam, I watched more “Spidey and his Amazing Friends” episodes than I could count on both hands. As a result, I’m able to impress our family with a near-perfect imitation of Green Goblin’s heinous laugh.
Reliving the magic
Now that there’s a small child in our lives again, kid-friendly events and seasonal activities are back on the radar, too. Halloween haunts, holiday light displays, and spring planetarium shows are suddenly popping up on our social calendar. Grandpa and I are enjoying these field trips twice as much as Liam does.
Last December, for the first time in ages, we put up a Christmas tree and invited Liam to add his own ornaments, which included a variety of tiny steam trains, dump trucks and fire engines.
In other words, just when you think you’re too old or jaded to revive your sense of wonder and awe, grandchildren will show you otherwise — sometimes when you least expect it.
There was the time last August when Liam’s parents warned us that he might have trouble settling to sleep during his weekend stay with us. (This was common for two-year-olds, they reminded us.) So the intrepid grandfather and I were prepared for the hair-raising, roof-rattling screams we heard on the monitor not long after we put Liam to bed on the first night of his visit.
I suppose we could have let him “cry it out” — as some childcare experts would advise. Or, we could have leaned over Liam’s crib and whispered words of reassurance until he nodded off to sleep. But that’s not what we did.
Instead, we invited the little guy to join us in the backyard, to sit on the glider and enjoy one of the last nights of summer. Liam was thrilled at this rare opportunity to play outside in the dark, of course, and gleefully padded across the lawn with us in his blue cotton PJs.
The night was clear and warm. Liam intuitively lowered his voice to hear the full chorus of singing crickets. And thanks to his grandfather’s handiwork, every part of our garden was aglow with landscape lights — a spectacle Liam hadn’t seen before.
Best of all, my collection of solar lanterns made swirling star patterns on the dark lawn. Handing one of the lanterns to my grandson, I was gifted with another chance to witness the magic of a late-summer night through a small child’s eyes.
At that very moment, I realized my husband and I qualified for the “Fun Seekers” category, according to Neugarten’s five grandparenting styles. I think we can live with that. And no matter how many evenings we spend in our garden, that one summer night will shine in our memories for a very long time.
Cindy La Ferle is an award-winning lifestyles columnist and author in Royal Oak. Visit her “Life Lines” blog: laferle.com.
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