‘He’s content living paycheck to paycheck’: My husband won’t work or get a driver’s license. Now things have gotten even worse.

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By Quentin Fotrell

“He’s too tired to leave, and we have nothing but bills.”

Dear Quentino,

I’m married, but we’re both different people, and I have a feeling my husband doesn’t even like me. He’s too tired to leave and we have nothing but bills. He doesn’t have a driver’s license and he won’t even go to court to pay the fines and get it back. He is content to live paycheck to paycheck.

I wish I could leave something for my girls. Unlike our parents, we’ve always struggled, except early in our marriage when he was making $70,000 a year. Now, he doesn’t earn half of it. I worked until I fell home and started getting unemployment, but I always did side jobs. I still have ideas on how to make money selling online.

Meanwhile, my husband has no desire to change. We’re getting older, our bodies are deteriorating, and I’d love to own a home again, but it seems like he’s trying to take me down with him: driving without a license. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did: He won’t be filing income taxes, so I guess he thinks he’s invincible.

My children still need me. I don’t want his actions to destroy me. Do you think a legal separation and bankruptcy will help? I don’t know what else to do. He got so mean when I ask him about his plans.

Desperate for change

Dear Desperate,

The change in your husband’s behavior can be a combination of factors. But the end result for your wedding could very well be the same.

Your husband may have substance abuse issues or undiagnosed mental health issues. There are many proven treatments available for depression and other mental illnesses. They include medication and psychotherapy, often available through work-based insurance plans, as well as meditation, getting enough sleep, eating right, and being physically active. If so, the person must want to get help and agree to accept the help.

But there are immediate problems that need to be addressed: Driving without a license could result in a hefty fine and jail time. If he was in an auto accident, and he was at fault, he could also suffer substantial damages for a first-time infraction. Penalties vary by state. In Maryland, for example, he could face a $1,000 fine and up to a year in prison. In Delaware, he could face a $1,500 fine, suspension of his license and registration for up to six months, and up to five years in prison.

Failure to file income taxes is another equally troubling example of your husband giving up as a net contributor to the company. According to the IRS: “The non-payment penalty is one-half percentage point for each month, or fraction of a month, up to 25%, of the amount of tax that remains unpaid from the due date of the return until upon full payment of the tax. Is unwilling or unable to find a job. It’s hard to give an accurate diagnosis from a letter, but this can’t go on.

Failure may be a step too far

“Although marriage counseling isn’t a topic covered in my financial counselor training, it seems pretty clear to me that your life needs a change,” says George Gagliardi, a certified financial planner, based in Lexington, Mass. “More to the point, you are looking to get out of what appears to be an untenable situation and therefore have a chance to gain control of your life, financially and otherwise”.

“State laws vary widely regarding divorce, child support and custody, and financial support,” she adds. “Bankruptcy laws are federal, but I wouldn’t even consider that option before resolving your family situation. Therefore, I would highly recommend finding a family law attorney who can best explain the options available to you in your situation. I don’t want your husband’s legal and financial transgressions to bring you down with him.”

“It’s nice to know you have some ideas about how to make money online, but that’s secondary before you sort out your family situation,” she adds. “Your and your children’s safety is another thing an attorney can discuss with you. Obtaining safe housing and the ability to feed and support your children is something a state or local agency or charities may be able to assist you.”

At some point, you have to take action. This could involve two steps: an intervention by family members to beg your husband to seek help, and if that doesn’t work, steps to protect your family’s future. A divorce attorney will help you weigh your options regarding whether a divorce is practical versus an official separation. If you don’t have a shared property and intend to buy one in the future, the former would seem the more practical option.

You have the right to a secure and financially secure home, peace of mind and a worry-free retirement, and you have the right to be happy.

If you or a family member needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889, or text your postcode to 435748 (HELP4U) or use the SAMHSA behavioral health treatment services locator to get help. You can also find additional resources and advice for families from SAMHSA here.

Here are other resources for people with family members who struggle with addiction: The Center for Motivation and Change has published this book, “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” Dr. Robert Meyers, who has worked in the addiction field for four decades, developed the CRAFT approach to encourage a family member to become involved in treatment.

Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas.

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The Moneyist regrets that it cannot answer the questions individually.

More from Quentin Fottrell:

“Tipping culture is out of control”: I was asked to tip 15% for a charitable donation. Is it time to say ‘no’ to these requests?

If a restaurant automatically adds a 20% tip, am I obligated to pay? Shouldn’t tipping be optional?

My brother in law is being honored by a charity but tickets to the ceremony are $375. Shouldn’t he offer to pay for my ticket?

– Quentin Fotrell

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05-27-23 1813ET

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