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In this video we cover: attachment, dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, attachment theory NPD, narcissist, cluster b, malignant, covert, fleas, fawn, abandonment, toxic parents, parenting, gaslighting, gaslight, child development, triggers, tools, therapy tools, conflict, self-regulation, toxic, toxic family systems, boundaries, truth, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, narcissistic abuse, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, alcoholism, scapegoat, genogram, siblings, dissociation, trauma, scapegoat
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
3:34 Connect With Me
5:01 General Attachment Theory Styles
6:12 Vibe Examples
8:54 Three Ideas About Adult Attachment
9:39 Common Examples of These Ideas
10:48 Narcissistic Parenting Styles
12:45 Parent and Child Relationship Problems
13:53 Developing Attachment Styles
14:33 Anxious Avoidant
18:30 Fearful Avoidant
22:53 Dismissive Avoidant
26:49 Final Thoughts
30:41 Outro
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Hello Patrick. Thank you so much for yet another super informative video. This one is very confusing to me. Which is freaking me out a little bit. ( i like it when i fit a mold LOL) Unfortunately, I first of all identified with the Fearful Preoccupied.. but not some of the side notes you spoke of before you did the examples. Then I identified with Fearful Avoidant. I identified with most of the stuff here except the dislike others dislike self.. I mean.. then I was triply confused because I identified even more with Dismissive Avoidant and what you kind of said about the parent style. I'm not sure if it's because my whole family was fcked or if I got the different things from all the people I was around or left with or ran to. 🙁 Unfortunately, I identified with the parent not talking through and letting process a messy divorce and then marrying an abuse step father afterwards. I mean that's .. I'm including all of the parent things.. most of them. I also had 5 step fathers. I never really knew my biological father. I met him at age 21.. that was more mind Fckery.. and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand later in life I decided I'd like to know him but my Mother did a pull him her way kinda thing. I didn't want to have her have to be present for me to have a relationship or get to know him. I tried to tell him my truth and that I'm just coming to terms and understand (im 55!) at this stage of my life. He is too happy still talking to her now .. after they've been apart and not talking for 55 years. I mean.. I can't find any therapist who can help and I got re-traumatized by the only actual Trauma Guru. Sniffle. I have been told to hurry up and be done with all this so we can move forward. By Mom and brother. I can't seem to move anywhere. (but around the clock) I hope you might have a minute to talk to me about the way that I can say I have all of the attachment styles? Is that a thing? Ps. My 24 year old daughter (preemie) has recently pronounced herself and then me.. autistic if not both things.. adhd and autistic.. high masking. We both also display most symptoms of POTS. I would love to know more and I wish you were my therapist. <3 Be safe and well. (I'm also that overexplainer lol that you did role play for.. I spit my water when i saw that) Sorry for being so long winded.. h e l p m e <3
I didn’t stand a chance, she was a Hitler Youth no joke, she was violent and mentally unstable and beating up her husband who drank to drown her out. So he drank and chased a 25year-old secretary to cope.
She was violent, personality flipping at any second, racist, and he was a raging alcoholic: so they did with any smart 40-year-old couple would do in that circumstance, adopt 🤦🏼♀️
Her words “she adopted me to keep him from leaving and he did anyway. She could’ve had a life but got stuck with me.”
My saving grace he died when I was nine and she died when I was 18.
This was immensely vindicating although upsetting. I'm 57 and just realizing how my narcissistic mother, who was constantly, verbally and physically abusive, jealous, had unrealistic expectations, exhibited rage every single day, ignored my emotional needs, and made me her Sarah get spouse has affected me. At least there's a completely logical explanation why I have anxious preoccupied attachment. I really won the lottery in mentally unstable mother , but I've learned a lot and come a long way
Thank you for this!
Patrick, your videos are very beneficial. I've have suffered from anxiety & depression most of life. Had a very toxic childhood. My mother was an absolute toxic person. Emotional abusive, typical narcissist, constantly told I ruined her life.
Great vid and explained amazingly.
Thank you Patrick for the safe space you create:)
I’m affected by a narcissistic father who also had bi polar disorder with schizophrenic symptoms and was very intelligent and intimidating and verbally abusive to the point of being very rude dismissive to me at a very early age angry because I couldn’t perform tasks I wasn’t ready for now I’m a very depressed intimidated bitter with anger issues and can be very much like my father I feel so broken and angry and disfunctional useless because I have worked hard all my life at 61 fired because I was unable to do my work because of my spinal injuries and disc degeneration from too many years I feel so alone and so broken psychologist is helping me but no drug has helped me I’m so adhd and medication doesn’t even work . I’m everything this video is talking about and more and I’m broken
Whenever I go out "with my parents"
1) I am always looking after them. Calming them down, afraid others hear their jealous talks, worried how they'll react
2) want to stick right beside them otherwise other people will bully me because of my narc parents always disrespect me publicly. So people think I'm their chew toy too.
3) worried how much I mess up the occasion and that'll make them angry
4) preparing to receive all the projections, gaslight etc that going to happen when we reach back home
5) They take me everywhere they go. When I say I don't want to go my father will talk like he have doubts on me that when they go I'm bringing someone to home. Also he wants "a sacrife" to give when he feel threatened.
Hah literally all three and currently watching on full volume around my mom cause she wont talk about it.
Be gentle and don’t yell don’t make a child feel weak or unsafe, speak softly
My mother was burdened with being my mom. She was entrusted with being my sisters mom. Somehow my golden child sister is struggling just as much as my scapegoat self.
So, so helpful – thank you.
I feel like I have a little of each. My parents felt as if it was a burden too. I was the scapegoat growing up and my narcissistic mother frequently reminded me that she didn’t want me. It was scary in our home growing up. My older sister and I were doing chores like we were adults at the age of 4 and 5 years old. We would get into serious trouble if they weren’t done or done correctly. Our father was an abusive alcoholic and he was scary drunk but stern sober.
People who were born loved are then capable of finding love.
23.19 I mean as a C-PTSD-haver and survivor I used to pick up plenty of narcissistic fleas. Does that mean I have NPD? Heck no! It just means that I used to be infected by my parents' toxicity
I think that parents who are Autistic can also present in this way and people need to be aware that most adults over the age of 50 are undiagnosed. Using terms like narcissistic, can be unhelpful for many people who have parents who fit into the above category
Is there a book that you can recommend for having 2 narsasistic parents that use their kids to fight in a mental battleground and live in a fake reality?
13:49 Anxious Avoidant describes me with my mom, and early on in my romantic relationship. After my parent's divorce and my mom remarried, she wouldn't have time to spend with me because she was so busy with work and appeasing her narcissist husband. So as a teen, I learned that the only way for her to spend quality time with me is if I "give her time" by doing tasks off her to-do-list so that she didn't have to do them.
Early on in my relationship with my boyfriend, if he had a to-do-list, but he didn't get something done because he was spending time with me, I would feel bad for "taking up his time." It took about a year of him saying "I'm choosing to spend my time with you because I want to" for me to have a more secure attachment style
I have gone no contact now for the last two years or so. Unfortunately I have to meet up with my Narc father, golden child sister, and flying monkey brother to discuss cult (family) issues. Last week my father described me as " someone who thinks he knows it all". I stood up for myself describing my degrees. Immediately the golden child and flying monkey attacked me with mocking my degree along with stating I don't even use it. I quickly went quiet realising what was happening. The narc family cult is destructive and petty.
S a m e
My dad treated my mom like shit and had the audacity to freaking call me to talk shit about my mom?????? Like how can a freaking monster try to turn the table on someone else like that? I just broke down crying soo much bc i hateeee it when someone lied to me like that. He was purely manipulating me and gaslit me too. I hate him soooooooo much but ik my inner child needs a dad… i havent talked to him for yearsss. How can someone be such a monster??? Ughhhhh i hateeeeeee him now😢😢😢😢😢
Oh for sure I am dismissive avoidant. To me any relationship with people is primivite and consuming and I will probably be put on the spot to fix someone's crazy feelings. I also see in myself the lack of the principles for a healthy relationship , I get frustrated by anything illogical and immoral and I know exactly where it comes from . I had to take care of my grandmother while my mother was suicidal because my grandmother needed so much help , She started hating her and ordered me to not take care of her, bathe her or feed her , I lived one room away from her , of course I did all that, but I did everything possible so my mom would not find out. I now feel the dread of someone wrecking my peace with their bullshit, especially in romantic relationships with men. With my female friends I end up ghosting them immediately that they do something I find hurtful or immoral: for example my highschool friend got together with a minor- blocked ; I have a history of eating disorders , a friend mentions I was never that skinny – blocked ; a friend suddenly becomes a neo-nazi – blocked . I really have a low tolerance for bullshit, I will stop talking to you if you say something crazy and insensitive.
So….idk how i found youre channel…but im glad i did. I turmed this 30min video to a 1 hr video, trying to piece everything together. Thank you, it was very thought provoking. I appreciate you❤
Just sitting here imagining what it was like being with both narc parents makes me feel physically ill. It did then and it does now. When you finally learn it was them not you, that grief and anger take time to heal. If only we were taught this sooner in school when we were younger and how to cope with this. Going no contact if you can is really the only way to recover from these toxic people who will literally take years off your life if you let them by staying in contact.
24:20 immature in comic sans was a delight
I am shocked to hear him accurately describe everything about me without hearing my story or knowing anything about me
Oh my first thing I just wanted to say there is certain things that I can honestly say I am a big believer of how as a human beings we like to believe we are all connected at some level and that only gets magnified in one in his own truth becomes a connection that can shock all that have been seeking him in order to find them self’s in their journey finding that in openness acceptance and with kindness we can release our self’s free from heal from the worst of experiences life can test us thru. I am so blessed to come across your content that I have been actively searching for for the past 20years my life in the search of the words that been seeking that felt like I connected and understood my self in a few hours with you that I am so grateful for the blessings that I got it from your content that has allowed me to know that my journey to heal can finally begin with confidence and hope thru my new understanding where as the past 20 years have more and more felt like I know Everything to find that itch that I can finally be set free from specially when where I come from for a man to talk or seek therapy is no existent and is unheard off I don’t Evan believe we have therapist partitioner’s that exist in my country of birth back home specially when the only way to discipline a child to grow up to become his parents servant is thru physical and mental abuse has no limit and no boundaries to the child because they use them self’s as the example that this worked for me and it will for you and being migrants with better life education and opportunities you have now a lot of African parents have and still are raising kids with complexes that lets you know to just be defeated being in the world you will on top of all that the depression, self sabotaging low self esteem with fear you can sense but can’t explain in your day to day life I know from my cousins siblings friends that have African parents are victim’s I know are people that just as you have been for me I one day hope to aspire to be for them. If not this method of parenting kids becomes a cycle that just continues not in all but most that many are victims to and are suffering even in the western world where opportunities are plentiful and we still suffer as if this is life and that is that mentality so from the bottom of my heart I am blessed and for ever grateful to you 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I’m 43 and have such a hard time withholding and nuturing friendships. I don’t know how to stay connected and my dad was a severe malignant narcissist who ended my mother’s life. I’ve lost relationships bc I can’t function normally although I’m on my healing journey. Any help will be appreciated. I feel like I have to learn this all over again 😔
Wow, I fall under the dismissive avoidant. Anything that feels like I did in my childhood I shut down and avoid the person like they don’t exist. I can’t help it, eventhough I have no problem communicating effectively.
Your videos really validate me and help me not feel like a freak. I'm dismissive avoidant. When people say I need a husband, I say no thanks, I don't need a cranky curmudgeon who lays on my couch and criticizes my career choices. That's what I've always found in relationships. Someone who couldn't support me when I was stressed and their default was criticism. I realized watching this video that my recent meltdown at work is due to my attachment problems. The admins send emails in capital red letters saying attendance is mandatory at a meeting, then they announce changes in procedure that make no sense to me, but the result is more procedural complexity and more pressure on me to do much more and do it faster. My trauma brain is showing me movies of the origins of this. The most painful trauma movie is getting an email from my dad telling me that because I have "nothing in common" with my mother, I should "keep my distance" from the family. Well, there it is, thanks Patrick for the therapeutic moment. Keep up your amazing work. I saw the NY Times article. Despite a few outliers who are critical, you are helping zillions of people.
Anxious preoccupied married to anxious preoccupied. Best relationship I’ve ever been in. Seriously.
I am still struggling with my triggers. I think I have become more aware of what's triggering me. My parents we're emotionally and physically abusive. I do not remember a lot of my childhood. They did drugs, but I got my family away 7 years ago. I struggle.
Thank you so much, Patrick. You are such a blessing, helping so many of us here.
Being a mentally ill parent doesn't necessarily results in a total disconnect from empathy. Far from it. People experiencing mental illness are as varied in our attributes and abilities as any other segment of the population, and it's painful to hear you casually throw us all in a category of damaging parents. I had extremelly damaging parents, which is why I worked so hard not to be one.
I can't tell if I'm anxious/or dismissive- hell I almost feel like all of them, you did say it was fluid (; Anyways, my father wasn't in my life, I never saw him in person that I can remember although there are a few photos. He left when I was two… the story is he was in and out of jail and lived in a city 1 hr 1/2 away from me…. though I'd never seen him. I remember him calling;specifically on holidays and I wanted to see him sosososo bad but every time he was going to come visit or call or anything; I'd just wait and wait and he never showed up. I think the last time I spoke to him I had gotten a bit older and the calls became less and less, he told me that the phone worked both ways. I'm sure I couldn't have been even 7? hearing this but whatever.
My Mother, I don't remember her honestly, we lived with my grandparents and she got to a certain age and moved out and my grandparents agreed to keep me… or wanted to keep me.. not sure. They raised me right along with my aunt. As I got older though my grandpa got sicker- and I took care of him till his dying day. Honestly, He was my dad.. the only Dad I knew.. but even then he was old fashioned, from the south, older black man- we didn't talk about much- not emotionally. Don't get me wrong my family told each other we loved each other, hugged, all that but as far as learning life? talking? emotionally connecting? I don't think we ever did that… I don't think I ever felt connected…
Anyways, the things I remember of my mother was her being hurt by men. I remember later in life after she moved out, she had my brother. His father however hit my mom and went to jail… and I remember her coming back home crying because of that. I remember later in life her finding a new boyfriend and marrying him. But before she married the man, we already had issues. I vaguely remember the two arguing in front of my school as I was getting in the car and he was yelling at her about God knows what; and I tried defending her to in return him telling me he didn't like me. I had only been about 11… she never said anything. A time after that she watched us yell at each other insanely outside of my grandmothers house and she just got in her car…. backed up and drove away.
So yeah… I'm not sure what attachment style I am but very much see myself in them all. All I know is I know I have issues- I lash out on people who are close to me if I feel any change In the wind; I get super super close to people and men esp, I'm over giving, over loving, I love to save the day and fix people.. I'm a total empath. I DO date people beneath me and then I DO sit and judge them for being exactly who they told me they were.
I want therapy… but that shits expensiveeeee so maybe I can keep watching vids like this? and maybe meet similar people in the comments who can maybe help me on this healing journey <3
Man, you are reeeeally good at what you are doing)) Love you❤
i always wondered why im emotionally unavailable and it was until i broke up with my narcissistic ex that he was exactly like my father. i couldnt ask my dad for anything or tell him anything without waiting for him to explode and start yelling. hes a ticking time bomb.
Ocd girly—fearful avoidant
That is so accurate.the attatchment styles
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