How do you negotiate with aging parents who resist support? Borrow these tips from companies

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Can negotiation and dispute resolution techniques from the business world help to defuse such conflicts?

Yes, says a group of researchers from Northwestern University. And they’re up to something.

These experts have developed a negotiation and dispute resolution training curriculum for social workers, care managers and healthcare professionals who regularly work with recalcitrant older adults. Materials for caring relatives are also being developed.

Rather than avoiding difficult problems or simply telling people what to do (“You will need home help several times a week for the foreseeable future”), professionals learn to identify what matters most to older adults and go about it the organization of care as cooperation. no edict from above.

“People get into so many fights as they get older. It’s something I see every day at my job,” said Lee Lindquist, director of geriatrics at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, who is leading the project. The goal is to de-escalate conflicts and make it easier for older people to get the support they need, she said.

In May, Lindquist and her team planned to start another part of the project: a trial of a computer-based training program for family caregivers of people with mild cognitive impairment or early-stage dementia. The program, called NegotiAge, introduces avatars of older adults and allows caregivers to practice negotiation techniques in different scenarios.

“You’re faced with different situations and emotions, and you can play the negotiation game as many times as you want,” Lindquist said. Nearly $4 million is being provided by the National Institutes of Health for the project. After evaluating the program’s effectiveness, Lindquist hopes to make NegotiAge widely available.

In the meantime, caregivers can take several actions to prevent or resolve conflicts with elderly parents.

Prepare

“Preparation is essential for any type of negotiation,” advises Jeanne Brett, professor emeritus of dispute resolution and organizations at Northwestern’s University Kellogg School of Management and member of the NegotiAge team. “You want to think through answers to several fundamental questions: What issues need to be addressed? Which parties are involved in these issues? What are the positions of the parties on each of these issues? Why do you think they hold these positions? And what happens if we can’t reach an agreement?”

It is helpful to capture answers to these questions in a planning document. Be sure to include yourself as a participant and set out your goals for the upcoming discussions.

What might that look like in practice? Let’s say you want your father, who is in his early 90s, to stop driving because he has started to get lost and his eyesight is not that good anymore. Some of the people involved in the discussion include your father, your elderly mother, you, your two siblings, and your father’s doctor.

Your mother may be worried about your father’s safety but is reluctant to bring up the subject for fear of provoking a fight. One of your siblings might agree it’s time to take away the car keys, while the other might think dad is still fine when he’s out. The doctor can recommend a driving assessment and then give his professional opinion.

Look for common interests

Your job is to find areas where the interests of these parties overlap and work from there. Everyone wants your dad to stay active and see his friends regularly. Everyone wants to make sure they don’t injure themselves or others on the road. Everyone wants to respect their desire for independence. No one wants to call him incompetent.

Brett distinguishes between positions like “I won’t stop riding” and interests, or the reasons someone takes a position. In this case, the father may be afraid of becoming isolated, losing his autonomy or losing control of his affairs. But even he may be afraid of unintentionally hurting someone else.

Negotiations have the best chance of success when they take into account the interests of all parties, Brett stressed. Don’t be controversial. Rather, emphasize that you are on the same team. The goal is not for one side to win; It’s about people working together to find a solution to the problem at hand.

ask questions

Don’t assume you know why your parents take a particular position (“I don’t want to go to the doctor”). Instead, ask follow-up questions, e.g. B. “Why?” or “Why not?”

If an older person snaps, “I don’t want to talk about this,” don’t back down. Acknowledge her discomfort by saying, “I understand this is difficult” and adding, “I care about you and want to know more.”

Lindquist prefers to start difficult conversations with patients by asking open-ended questions: “What things are you struggling with?” What do you do that you wish you could do differently? What would make your life easier?”

It is important to listen carefully and to make the person you are negotiating with feel heard and respected. If one of Lindquist’s patients tells her, “I make my own decisions, and that’s what I want,” she might respond, “I agree you’re the boss, but we’re both here to make your life better.” to do, and I.” I’m worried about you.”

Brainstorming Strategies

Negotiations with family members are often filled with emotions that can easily get out of control. But don’t retaliate when someone gets angry and hits you.

“When buying a car, if you don’t agree with the dealer you’re talking to, you can go to another dealer. If you have a conflict with a family member, you don’t have that option. You’re more stubborn and defensive about disabilities,” Brett said, “and maintaining relationships is even more important.”

Shift your focus to brainstorming strategies that can help solve the problem at hand. Get creative and put lots of options on the table. Have your parents respond and ask “Why?” or “Why not?” again as needed.

If you keep pacing back and forth without making any progress, try saying something like, “We could argue about this all afternoon, but neither of us are going to back down. Let’s put our arguments aside and consider five ways you can get there.” “You can get to activities without your car,” Brett said.

Don’t expect to agree on a strategy right away. “You can say, ‘Let’s bring Mom in and talk about it later,’ or ‘Let’s think about it and talk to each other next week,'” suggested Lindquist, noting that many negotiations take time and cannot be rushed.

Bring in a third party

If all else fails, contact a third party. This was Brett’s strategy when her husband, who has Parkinson’s disease and has affected his vision, wanted to drive again in 2021 after recovering from a bad fall. Brett and the couple’s daughter couldn’t convince him it might be risky, but the older man, then 89, agreed to a driving assessment at a facility attached to a Chicago hospital. When they advised him to stop driving, he handed over the car keys.

Brett later hired a neighbor in the small town in France where they now live to take her husband to appointments several times a week. Twice a week she drives him to a nearby village where he has coffee with friends. He goes out into the world and she has no worries about safety – a result both can live with.

KFF health newsFormerly known as Kaiser Health News (KHN), is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism on health issues and is one of the core operating programs of KFF– the independent source for health policy research, surveys and journalism.