Editor’s note: Chloe Melas He is a reporter for CNN and covers all things entertainment for the network on all platforms. After nearly two years of fertility treatments, she and her husband Brian Mazza now have two children. Melas received Resolve’s 2020 Hope Award for Advocacy.
CNN
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“Bobby and Sara are having twins!”
I remember my husband walking into the bathroom where I was showering to tell me the happy news about his childhood best friend.
We had been trying to get pregnant for several months at the time and were going through rounds of intrauterine insemination, better known as IUI.
I really wanted to give a good answer, but I sank further into the tub, my eyes filling with tears. I felt nauseated and angry. I let out a mumble, “Great.” But what he wanted to do was yell, “Why them and not us?!”
I carried so much bitterness and resentment throughout our years of fighting to start a family.
It turns out that we were in the same boat as millions of people around the world.
Infertility affects approximately 1 in 6 people, according to a recent report from the World Health Organization previously covered by CNN. Infertility rates, meaning the inability to conceive after 12 months of unprotected intercourse — are similar in all countries and regions, according to the WHO report.
During our fertility treatments to get pregnant with our first child, Leo, I kept our fertility treatments a secret from my family and friends. She didn’t want to have to deal with answering questions or letting anyone down if the procedures didn’t result in a baby.
But it was hard to mask my overwhelming despair. At one point during my first round of IVF, I finally saw a psychologist. I’m not sure if it had to do with the copious amounts of fertility drugs, the daily injections, or the months of failed treatments, but it was a perfect emotional storm. I needed validation that what I was feeling was, in fact, normal.
It turns out that a lot of people feel that way. Receiving a psychiatric diagnosis, most commonly anxiety or depression, is something faced by up to 40% of women affected by infertility, according to the American Psychiatric Association.
“During travel, there are often long waiting times with appointments or providers. Waiting to get test results, waiting to hear that something was effective, waiting for the next steps. All that waiting can really put us in a less than ideal mental health space,” psychologist Dr. Heather Tahler he told CNN. She is the mental health services leader at the women and family telemedicine start-up. Maven Clinic in New York City.
“I think another big stressor that people feel is societal pressure to make family building look a certain way. We don’t talk enough about all the different paths people go through to start their family.”
This type of distress can be serious. Dr. Elizabeth A. GrillRonald O. Perelman and Claudia Cohen Associate Professor of Psychology The Center for Reproductive Medicine at Cornell University’s Weill Medical College equates the stress of an infertility diagnosis to that of a terminal illness.
“Research shows that the levels of distress of those experiencing infertility are equal to those of patients diagnosed with heart disease, cancer and HIV,” Grill said.
Part of my sadness was how isolated it all felt. When my husband and I first started tracking my ovulation, and good old-fashioned sex wasn’t working, I would talk to my friends and certain family members, who would brush my concerns aside and tell me that the key to getting pregnant was reduce my stress levels. “Just have a glass of wine before sex”, a friend saying. “Take a trip,” suggested a relative. They were trying to be helpful, but it was painful.
To find out what might be helpful to others, I talked to several people for advice on what to do and what not to do when supporting a loved one suffering from infertility.
Talk less and listen more, advises Grace Bastidas, the editor-in-chief of Parents. She regularly covers the topic of infertility and recently published an article on how to help people experiencing infertility.
“If a friend or family member tells you they’re having a hard time conceiving, try not to downplay it by saying, ‘Just try to relax.’ That doesn’t really help,” Bastidas said.
“It doesn’t really validate how they feel in the moment,” he said. “If you don’t know what to say, sometimes just listening and being that ear or that shoulder and letting them know they can count on you is what you can do.”
It sounds horrible, but for over a year I found it very difficult to be happy about getting pregnant. I received invitations to baby showers and dreaded having to go. I would see pregnant women in the supermarket checkout aisle and feel pangs of sadness.
It felt like every woman on the planet was pregnant except me.
Elizabeth Angell, editor-in-chief of Mamelukea website for millennial moms, He advises people not to hide their good news, but to have grace and understanding for those around them who are struggling.
“Events like baby showers and christenings can be minefields for anyone dealing with infertility. I would follow your instructions,” said Angell, who has a section in Romper dedicated to trying to conceive.
“You should invite your good friends to any such celebration, but don’t be offended if they decide not to come. It doesn’t mean they’re not happy for you. Give them the space to grieve and reassure them that you are there for them when they are ready to talk about it.”
Stepping up for your loved one, whether that means taking them to doctor’s appointments or sending them a small gift, can go a long way, Grill told me.
“If the person you’re trying to support is open to ideas, try thinking about what you would do for a friend diagnosed with any other disease,” Grill said. “Call or text to ask how they’re doing, bring them dinner, offer to drive them to appointments.
“Let them know that you love them and that you are there for them. Learn to listen, support, and show trust rather than offer advice. The most important thing is to validate their experience and learn to sit with them in the discomfort of their pain.”
Angel agreed. “Infertility treatments are often physically exhausting. If that’s something your friend is going through, send them food or a nice bathrobe or pajamas, something they can wear when they’re resting and recuperating.”
Although well-intentioned, “seemingly innocuous questions of curiosity…can trigger feelings of devastation and anxiety in those trying to conceive,” Grill told CNN.
Nora DeBora, hostess The ultimate pregnancy preparation podcastshe has been open about how her desire to start a family has yet to come true.
“As a single woman in her late 30s who deeply wants a family, it can be unpleasant and uncomfortable when people ask ‘when are you going to have a baby?’ There is a lot of pressure that women already put on themselves as they feel their biological clock ticking with each passing year.”
Some days you may be handing your loved one a handkerchief, and others may seem closed off.
“Being there for someone on their journey means meeting them where they are,” Tahler said. “Some days it could be talking, some days it could be a hug. There are a variety of emotional responses from day to day. You better remind yourself, so you don’t take it personally.”
It has been liberating but at times incredibly vulnerable since my husband and I began sharing our story on 2018.
I recently went to Podcast pregnant with host Andrea Syrtash, who told me that the stigma around infertility is still very prevalent. That is why she is compelled to present stories of people doing everything they can to create their families and how their relationships are affected.
“’First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby carriage’ is an outdated narrative for millions of people,” he told me.
“Building a modern family and infertility impact every relationship we have. With our partners, friends, family, workplace and most importantly, the relationship we have with our bodies and with ourselves”.
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