talking to you couple about sex is not always easy, especially if you want to change things up. In an ideal world, you would feel free to talk to your partner about anything. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fills our heads with all sorts of hang-ups and obstacles that can make talking about sex less comfortable than, say, talking about your favorite music.
Think about it. We spend much of our elementary school, high school, and college years learning how to communicate effectively about everything. but sex. For some, talking to their partner about abortion rights or gun control is easier than asking if she has a gun. favorite sex toy. That’s because many of us weren’t given the space growing up to learn how to talk about sex, let alone defend our own pleasure.
Talk to your partner about sex and about trying new things in the bedroom, it’s about compassionately revealing your own preferences, desires, and limits, and encouraging them to do the same. That’s where we’ll start.
1. Approach with compassion
Since we are often not given space to learn and develop our ability to talk about sex, most of us end up stuck in ideas and attitudes that we learned from movies, TV shows, games, music, and pornography. Too often these sources perpetuate the idea that women’s sexual needs are an added credit, something nice but not exactly the main course. On the contrary, the media often reinforces the idea that men’s sexual desires begin and end in a race to orgasm.
Talking openly about what you want out of sex means challenging these deeply held ideas, in yourself and in your partner (or partners), regardless of their gender. Because we begin to absorb these attitudes at such a young age, the part that holds on to them is a young part. That means you’re probably sensitive, combative, and prone to being easily embarrassed. Have you ever fallen behind in a class? It can feel that way. So he hides it, pretends and pretends, but deep down he still has trouble defending his needs, curiosities and limits.
No matter where you are on the comfort spectrum, have compassion for yourself and your partner. Think about where they are, think about where you are, and approach them with kindness and understanding.
2. Know what you want to try
The next time you masturbate, pay attention to what really gets you going. What are you fantasizing about (or seeing) that you really want to try with your partner? Write it down in a journal, in a notes file on your phone, somewhere you won’t forget it.
Make sure to be specific. For example, don’t just write “hard stuff.” Type whipping, hair pulling, binding, etc. The more generic it is, the more room for confusion there is and the more likely you are to be disappointed. We don’t want that. We want sex to be fun; we want talking about sex to be fun.
3. Talking during and after sex
One of the best ways to break the ice and feel more comfortable talking to your partner about sex is simple: talk about sex. Talking during, after, and even before sex is one of the best ways to open the door to a world where sex is as easily discussed as what to eat for dinner.
Tell him or her or them how much you like doing what you are doing, or how much you like what they are doing. When you are lying in the afterglow, mention something that you liked. “It was so hot when you” or “I loved it when we”. It’s good to practice because it opens the door to talking about the things you like outside of the context of having sex.
4. Be horny
Now that you have a good idea of what you want to try and feel comfortable talking about sex during sex, it’s time to practice talking about sex outside the bedroom. Start with little things like sexually charged compliments. “Your arms look so hot when you” or “Your butt looks so good on those” or “From this angle, I can see you”, and just leave it there. Not all horny comments are a prelude to sex; They definitely can be, but it’s a lot of fun to flirt with your partner and let the sexual tension sizzle in the background.
5. Ask the question
Once you’re comfortable giving and receiving horny compliments and you’re both feeling some of that ambient sexual tension, instead of giving a compliment, sneak up on them and ask them a question. Something like “Would you ever want to X, Y, or Z me?” or “What do you think about being spanked?” This way, there is room for a conversation and room for your partner to say yes, no, or maybe.
The nice thing about talking about it outside of bed is that even if your partner is interested, you’re not in a situation where either of you feels pressured to try something new. right now, and it can stay in the back of the mind for a while. It’s something they’re both aware of, thinking about, and probably going to try very soon. Then the next time you start to get frisky, if you’re ready, ask them if they are and go from there.
6. Leave room for the no
If your partner has a boundary around what you want to try, talking about it outside of sexual activity means that you are in a sexually open but not sexually vulnerable space to have that conversation. This is important. It’s hard to say no.
Saying no to someone you care about and want to make happy can be even more difficult, especially for women. Those same influences that provide us with much of our early sex education reinforce the idea that women’s pleasure is secondary, and it’s all too easy to internalize that without realizing it. That’s not to say that setting boundaries is easy for men, it definitely isn’t, for the same reasons. Leave space for you and your partner to say no. Even if you can’t prove what you want to explore, you can still enjoy a new level of trust and communication with someone you care about.
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