alcohol use disordersometimes called alcoholismit is a disease that many people feel they must keep hidden, from themselves, as well as from family and friends.
But when you’re ready, there are two important reasons to widen the circle.
“Addiction it thrives in isolation and recovery happens in the community,” says Marvin Ventrell, executive director of the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers.
“In any substance use disorder, feeling ashamed and keeping it a secret is part of the condition, and we have to get past that to be okay,” says Ventrell, who is in long-term recovery.
“We have a medical condition and it’s imperative to be able to talk to your friends and loved ones just like you would with any other illness.”
No matter what form your recovery takes, you need help. That includes guidance from professionals who understand the disease and support from loved ones who can manage it and come forward for you.
“Sobriety says a lot about you,” says Tawny Lara, a sober sex and relationship writer who has been sober for over 5 years. “He says you are prioritizing your mental and physical health. I wanted the people in my life to echo that. I have friends and family who are not sober, but I wanted them to understand what was going on in my life.”
Alcohol use disorder is not a problem of failure. It’s not about your morals or character.
“Stigma is often what keeps people stuck,” says Todd Garlington, lead therapist at Greenhouse Treatment Center, who is in long-term recovery. “The fear is that when I tell someone, they will not accept me. They’re going to think I’m a bad person.”
Hollywood and the media are often wrong, Lara says.
“In movies, people hit rock bottom and live under a bridge. Then they sober up,” says Lara. “That’s true for some people, but not for everyone.”
“I never saw my version of substance use disorder or alcohol use disorder represented, so I didn’t think I had a problem,” she says. “I still worked multiple jobs, had a roof over my head, paid my bills on time, and could go days or weeks without drinking. But when I drank, I drank until I passed out. Normal drinkers don’t pass out. I wish that was portrayed in cinema and television”.
Telling people is vulnerable. But chances are good that anyone you tell has faced the same problem or knows someone who has.
“More than 25 million people in the United States over the age of 12 have a substance use disorder,” says Garlington. “Acknowledge that. Stand on it. Process it and get the help you need. The most important thing is to realize that you are not alone.”
Lara’s father is in recovery, so she knew he would support her. She was more concerned with telling her friends.
“I was a waitress and a party girl for a long time, and my friends were in on that scene, too,” she says. “When I told my bartender friends that I wasn’t going to drink that week, they’d say, ‘You’re fine. You are in your early 20s. She would ask me how I was going to hang out with my friends, make new friends, and go on dates. So much of my life was so ingrained in alcohol that doing anything without it was completely overwhelming.”
When he began to open up about his drinking problem, Lara had mixed reactions.
“I learned who my friends were and who my drinking partners were,” she says. “I got sober in a very unusual way. I started a blog and that was my responsibility.”
“My friends supported me because it was a writing project, but a friend (we had ‘best friend’ tattoos) accused me of lying and making everything up for attention. She later apologized and said she had a hard time processing my news because if I had a problem, it meant that she might have a problem too.”
Before you share with someone, ask yourself this: What do I need?
Maybe you need to tell a friend or loved one what’s wrong with you, and that’s enough. Maybe you are asking for support. If that’s the case, be as specific as possible:
- Can you go with me to a meeting?
- Can you take me to treatment?
- If I need to detox, can you make sure I have clothes and necessities?
- Can you send me some cards or letters while I am in detox?
- If we go out, can you please not drink around me?
“A lot of times it’s just ‘being there,’” says Lara. “’Hey, today at 1 pm I’m going to tell my mom about my drinking problem. Can you wait if I need to talk? Or, ‘I’m having a hard time. Can you text me a random funny GIF this week?’”
In the early days of her recovery, Lara did a lot of research: reading memoirs, reviewing stories online, and searching for #sober on social media to see how other people were telling their families.
“There are really wonderful free resources out there,” he says.
The more people you tell, the more liability you create. “The more people around me know that I am struggling with this, the better able I am to stay the course,” says Garlington.
There is no right or perfect way to share your drinking problem with a friend or family member. The fact that you tell someone about it is a step in the right direction.
“Just be real and tell people what you’re going through,” Lara says. “You don’t have to tell them why, just that you’ve decided to stop drinking. That can build a bridge and create a conversation. Above all, it removes the shame and stigma of the secret we’ve kept to ourselves for so long.”
Your loved ones may not know what to say or may have questions. To help them learn more, Lara suggests sharing some resources that she has used. But don’t overdo it. Your focus should be on your own recovery.
The goal is to share safely and not feel disconnected as you work to sober up.
“All you need to say is, ‘I have a problem,'” Ventrell says. “When you do that, you immediately start to feel a little better because you’re not so lonely and scared.”
Everyone’s journey from addiction to sobriety is unique. The only thing you can control about telling your friends and family about your drinking is the words you say. You cannot control the way others feel or react.
“In a perfect world, what we would get out of these conversations is complete and total love and acceptance. The truth is that it can go well or it can go wrong. It depends on the person,” says Garlington.
“If it goes wrong, don’t give others power over you. You control your destiny. Use positive self-talk: ‘I can do this.’”
Garlington has been there more than once.
“I was sober for 20 years, then I relapsed,” says Garlington. “I was very guilty when I called my father to tell him that I had to go back to treatment. But he said, ‘Son, I’m glad you’re getting the help you need,’ and that washed away my shame and guilt. Our disease can take us to very dark places. Breaking that is huge.”
—————————————————-
Source link