I learned to stop constantly criticizing my granddaughter. Instead, I’m focusing on tiny wins.

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• I’m currently parenting my teenage granddaughter.

• I realized I was criticizing her nonstop and we were both snappy at each other.

• Now I chose to focus on the tiny, everyday wins.

As not just a Nana, but a chef, chauffeur, and makeshift therapist to my charming, well-mannered teenage granddaughter, I was worn thin from the chaos of grandparenting. My tolerance for mistakes had become much lower than normal, and I was more likely to find fault or criticism. Meanwhile, my usually gracious granddaughter had been acting snippy. And because both of us have emotions bigger than my hair was in the 1980s, we’d fallen into the habit of acting in ways we later regretted.

Long ago, my mother taught me the value of hard work and accountability. I figured these traits would be inherited like a family heirloom or a genetic predisposition, but finding last week’s incomplete homework alongside cookie crumbs and gum wrappers in my granddaughter’s room suggested otherwise.

I was criticizing her constantly

Although having a messy room or unfinished homework isn’t some surefire sign she’s destined for failure, it still concerns me. I’m investing lots of love and energy into raising a decent human being in this crazy world, helping to guide and shape her, and I want her to understand the importance of responsibility.

When she fell short of my expectations, I criticized her. “I can’t keep reminding you to do your work! Why do I have to hover before anything gets done, honey?” I added that southern-sweet charm at the end to make it sound gentle, but the intent was to control. I wanted her to do what needed to be done and do it right away.

The criticism came from a place of love, though. I desperately wanted to protect her and see her succeed. But the control was an illusion. Short-term change fueled by negative criticism rarely leads to long-term growth.

The more I corrected, the less she listened. We were caught in a negative loop of criticism and defensiveness.

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I was missing the things that deserved to be celebrated

“But did you see what I did do?” she would ask, her eyes pleading for recognition. Because nobody wants to feel they aren’t good enough or they disappointed someone they care about.

The question was fair. Sometimes I got so caught up in what wasn’t working that I didn’t notice what was, much less celebrate it. Realizing this, I’ve started to take a more mindful approach to our interactions.

I’ve come to appreciate the value of reflecting before responding. By taking a moment to pause, I hope to gain a better understanding of my own thoughts and emotions and can then improve my communication with my granddaughter.

Instead of defaulting to my usual habits, I’m trying to show her I want her to succeed and take care of things on her own. So when I feel the need to criticize, I might instead ask, “What can I do to support you without being a pain?”

When I actually manage to ask this question, the relief is palpable. Her face softens, her eyes meet mine with a smile, and her defenses drop.

I now focus on tiny wins

As parents, we need to guide and correct our children, yes, but we can also acknowledge small steps in the right direction. This can be as simple as thanking them for doing the dishes or acknowledging good habits like hanging up their jacket, turning off the screen on time, or even using the turn signal while driving. Focusing on these tiny wins helps shift the perspective toward a more positive and supportive home environment.

These days, my granddaughter and I continue honoring and celebrating the small things. She’s working hard on controlling her frustrations and doing more stuff without complaining. And me — well, I’m trying my best to wrap any criticism between thick layers of positivity. It’s rarely easy, but I’m pretty sure my efforts are the reason the caffeine and antacid industries are still thriving.

Read the original article on Insider