I recently received a family heirloom: a one-hundred-year-old, five-carat diamond ring, most likely worth a six-figure sum. I was taken aback by this gift, as I am not particularly close to the family member who gave it to me, by their choice. There is a lot of pain and complexity within this branch of the family tree. Despite this, I have always made an effort to be kind and respectful to all family members while maintaining some distance.
The relative who bestowed upon me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and there were hints that he might use it as a replacement for my engagement ring. I have no idea why, as I am in love with my current ring. This leads me to assume that he chose to give it to me instead of his own children. He also mentioned that the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but in reality, it belonged to her childless sister who outlived him by a long time. I believe my mother was the only one of her siblings who regularly visited my great-aunt.
Now that my husband and I are newly married, we find ourselves considering the value of this ring and how it could potentially change our lives. It could serve as a down payment for an apartment or a college fund for our future children. We come from humble backgrounds and do not earn high incomes, so selling this ring would provide us with a financial windfall that may only come once in a lifetime.
However, I am concerned that the relative who gave me the ring would want it back if they knew of my intentions to sell it. This inheritance is not widely known within the extended family, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it is never mentioned again. Additionally, this relative is wealthy, so the ring holds much greater financial importance to me than sentimental value. Yet, there may come a time when I wonder about the ring’s fate, and I fear that selling it may unearth further complications within our already complex family dynamics. Nevertheless, my main concern lies in my own ethical stance regarding this gift and the explanation I owe to the relative.
From the ethicist’s perspective, a gift is a gift, and in this case, there were no explicit conditions attached to it. While the donor possibly assumed that the ring would be cherished for its sentimental value, it should be understood that a less affluent individual may see its financial value as being more significant. It takes a certain level of financial security to view a six-figure gem as merely a keepsake.
Moreover, it is worth reflecting on the motivations of the donor. It is clear that our relationship has not been very close, and there have been strained relations within the extended family. Yet, it is possible that the relative hoped to remedy this situation in some way or believed that my mother’s connection to the ring’s original owner extended to me as her heir.
Given these considerations, it would be polite to inform the relative of my decision to sell the ring (assuming that is my intention) and provide an explanation for doing so. For instance, I can explain that selling the ring would allow us to make a down payment on a new house for our newlywed life. By openly communicating this decision, I can convey that I am not acting improperly. The sale of the ring could actually strengthen my connection to my great-great-aunt and potentially improve my relationship with the relative who gave it to me. Expressing gratitude for their contribution toward our married life may also be appropriate.
If I choose not to disclose my plans, our relationship may suffer if the relative finds out later. It is possible that my worries about this revelation are unnecessary, but by sharing my intentions, I can alleviate the anxiety that comes with the uncertainty. Ultimately, I must communicate my plans, express appreciation, and hope that their reaction will provide clarity and, potentially, relief.
Readers respond:
In response to last week’s question about using college consultants, I agree with the ethicist’s response. Hiring a college consultant is not inherently unethical. The role of a consultant is to help students find universities that align with their abilities, desires, and other important factors. Additionally, they assist families in navigating the overwhelming college application process, which can be unfamiliar territory for most. If one can afford the services of a consultant, it is helpful, not for gaining an advantage, but for facilitating the process and finding a college that fosters intellectual growth and personal development. – be
I commend the ethicist for their response. It is true that hiring a college consultant does not automatically contribute to inequality, although the student’s concern about the unfair advantage some students have due to personal connections is valid. – lois
Our daughter utilized a consultant to navigate the college application process. The consultant’s role did not impact the content of her application or how schools perceived her. Their main purpose was to help her clarify her goals, priorities, and identify realistic options that align academically, financially, and socially. The consultant proved invaluable in broadening her understanding of college options beyond what she already knew, most of which were beyond her financial means. Hiring a consultant is no different than seeking a tutor to help in a subject I am unfamiliar with, ensuring my child has the support they need. – Stacy
The ethicist’s response acknowledges that hiring a university consultant is not inherently unethical. However, it fails to address the underlying issue of the rankings and hierarchies that perpetuate the industry. These rankings often suggest that some universities are inherently superior to others, reinforcing a harmful narrative that can lead to disdain for those in public higher education. We must be transparent about the realities and biases within the college consulting industry. – Cheryl
I agree with the ethicist’s response. However, the most crucial question to consider is not whether using these services is wrong, but rather what decisions parents should unilaterally make on behalf of their children. While it may not have been ideal for the mother to hire a consultant without consulting her daughter, the daughter should work with the consultant and listen to their advice, even if she doesn’t feel obliged to follow it. Ultimately, ensuring that more children are better prepared for college should be the focus of our concern for justice. – Anonymous
—————————————————-
| Article | Link |
|---|---|
| UK Artful Impressions | Premiere Etsy Store |
| Sponsored Content | View |
| 90’s Rock Band Review | View |
| Ted Lasso’s MacBook Guide | View |
| Nature’s Secret to More Energy | View |
| Ancient Recipe for Weight Loss | View |
| MacBook Air i3 vs i5 | View |
| You Need a VPN in 2023 – Liberty Shield | View |
I was recently given a family heirloom: a century-old, five-carat diamond ring. Most likely worth six figures. I was shocked; I am not very close to the family member who gave me the ring, by his choice. There are many painful relationships on this particular branch of the family tree. As an adult, I have always tried to be kind and respectful to all of these family members, while keeping my distance.
The relative who gave me this ring had used it to propose to his now ex-wife, and it was hinted that he might use it to replace my engagement ring. (I have no idea why, since I love my engagement ring.) That’s the only reason I can assume he gave it to me and not any of his own children. He also said that the ring originally belonged to my great-great-grandmother, but actually belonged to her childless sister (who survived him by a long time). I’m pretty sure my mother was the only one of her siblings who visited my great-aunt regularly.
My husband and I are newly married and we found ourselves thinking about the value of this ring and how it could change our lives. A down payment for an apartment? A college fund for future children? Etc. We neither come from money nor make a lot of money. If we sell this ring, it will be a once-in-a-lifetime windfall.
I’m worried that my relative would want the ring back if he knew I was thinking about selling it. But this isn’t the kind of sentimental inheritance that everyone in the extended family knows about, and part of me wouldn’t be surprised if she never asked about it again. He’s also very rich, so as a financial asset, the ring matters a lot more to me. Still, someday I might wonder about the ring, and who knows what ugliness might emerge from this complicated family if I sold it. But here I am more concerned about my own ethics: what are my rights regarding this gift and what explanation do I need? — Name withheld
From the ethicist:
First of all, a gift is a gift, and this one had no explicit conditions. Perhaps there was an assumption that it would be appreciated for its sentimental value; Selling it shows that its sentimental value to you is less than the donor assumed. But a wealthy family member is in no position to condemn a much poorer one for thinking of the ring’s value in financial rather than entirely sentimental terms. You have to be pretty well off to see a six-figure gem just as a souvenir.
Secondly, however, it is worth reflecting on what the donor’s motivations were. You say you haven’t been close, that relations with his side of the family have been strained. Perhaps he hoped to remedy this situation, to some extent. Or perhaps he believed that your mother had a real connection to the owner of the ring and simply considers you your mother’s heir.
Either way, it would be polite to tell him that you decided to sell the ring (I assume it is your wish) and explain why; for example, because doing so would provide him with a down payment on a new house for his new marriage. Telling him openly should help convey to him that you are not doing anything wrong, which would be less obvious if it came out later. This sale is sure to give you a more meaningful connection with your great-great-aunt (and, for that matter, him) than keeping an expensive piece of jewelry, and you might say so.
If you don’t say anything, your relationship is more likely to be damaged if he finds out later than if you had been open about it. If you don’t say anything, you’ll also spend time worrying about this eventuality, perhaps unnecessarily. So tell him your plans and thank him for helping you on your path in your married life. His reaction may confirm your worst fears; It may also relieve them.
Readers respond
Last week’s question was from a mother who was conflicted about using consultants to help with her daughter’s college applications. She wrote: “I recently signed on with a college consulting company, at a cost of a few thousand dollars, to help us navigate the application process. My daughter is uncomfortable with this and feels like it gives her an unfair advantage that other children don’t have; She says she wants to run on her own merits. But many children are using these services, perhaps even the most exclusive ones, and some people have an advantage because of their personal connections. Also, from what I’ve heard, the college application process can be overwhelming. Is it wrong to use these services if many other people cannot afford them?”
In his response, the ethicist noted: “Your daughter’s concern for justice is commendable. However, she is already irrevocably the beneficiary of her record. That happened when you took control of her primary and secondary education and gave her a bunch of middle-class advantages. …What complicates matters is that, as a parent, you not only have the right to favor your own children but, within certain limits, you are morally obligated to do so. In the meantime, as a citizen, you should continue to push to make our education system more fair. And many highly selective institutions are, albeit belatedly, taking steps to broaden the socioeconomic composition of their student body. … Concern for justice should not mean leaving your child less prepared; “It should mean ensuring that more children are better prepared.” (Re-read the full question and answer here.)
⬥
As a former college admissions consultant, I think the ethicist got the answer right. The role of the college consultant is not to bend the will of the college admissions committee, but rather to find exceptional colleges that fit the student’s abilities and desires (culture, size, rigor, extracurricular activities, outstanding professors, etc.). Additionally, the consultant’s role is to help the family navigate the maze of admissions and financial aid, things they will likely be away from for decades. If you can afford to hire the consultant, do so, of course, not to gain “an advantage,” but to facilitate the process of finding an intellectual and intrapersonal match that is rewarding and nourishes your learning capacity. — be
⬥
I applaud the ethicist’s response. that there is nothing inherently unethical about hiring a university consultant. At the same time, I respect this student’s recognition of the basic inequality inherent in having a coach when many others do not. — lois
⬥
Our daughter used a consultant. to help you with your college application process. She had no bearing on the content of her application, how schools viewed her, or whether she was accepted. She primarily used it to help her clarify her goals and priorities and identify realistic possibilities that fit from an academic, financial, and social perspective. She was invaluable in helping her understand the options available to her rather than just focusing on the schools she knew of, which were mostly out of her price range. For me, it’s no different than hiring a tutor to help my child with a foreign language I don’t know.— Stacy
⬥
The ethicist suggests that hiring a private university consultant does not exacerbate inequality, but unfortunately it does not address one of the most obvious red flags inherent in the research itself: the unquestioned assertion that there are “good” universities. Allowing this to happen, or maintaining the implication of a broad binary view of “good” and therefore “not good” universities, quietly endorses a corollary of disdain, in which those who end up in, say, the public higher education are perceived as somehow less intelligent or accomplished. Let’s be transparent about the covert corollaries of disdain that drive this industry in the first place, perhaps acknowledging the entrenched and sometimes corrosive hierarchies on which it is wholly dependent.— Cheryl
⬥
I agree with the ethicist.. The most important question, however, is not whether it is wrong to use these services, but what types of decisions parents of teenagers should unilaterally make on behalf of their children. This well-intentioned mother hired an expensive consultant without first consulting her daughter. However, assuming there are no refunds, the daughter should work with the consultant and listen to what he or she has to say; She doesn’t need to follow her advice. Additionally, while going to college is a big milestone for many, it is just one of several important life decisions. In retrospect, it shows us that life is a continuous random walk from one landmark to another. Unless one tunnels to survive, one can miss valuable and unexpected opportunities by giving too much importance to any milestone. — Mate
—————————————————-