Summary:
The writer, who has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, is struggling with their sister’s persistent prayers for their healing. The writer, who believes in a higher power but is a data-driven healthcare professional, feels that their sister’s prayers do not align with their own beliefs. They have tried to explain this to their sister, but she continues to pray for their healing and insists that her prayers are helpful. The writer finds these interactions to be depressing and wishes to find a way to communicate with their sister without belittling her beliefs.
The Ethicist advises the writer to have an open and honest conversation with their sister, expressing their feelings about the prayers and the impact they have on their mental well-being. The writer should let their sister know that they appreciate her love and concern but prefer to focus on accepting their condition and making peace with it. Additionally, the writer may need to set boundaries and communicate that they will hang up if their sister continues to pressure them to pray.
The Ethicist acknowledges that the clash between the writer’s beliefs and their sister’s can be difficult, but emphasizes the importance of respecting each other’s convictions. The writer can explain their perspective firmly yet tenderly, highlighting that their sister’s actions are coming from a place of love. The writer may also seek support from other family members to reinforce their request.
Engaging Additional Piece:
Finding Common Ground: Navigating Differences in Beliefs
Dealing with conflicting beliefs can be challenging, especially when it involves our loved ones. In the case of the writer and their sister, their differing views on prayer and healing have created tension and distress. However, it is possible to find common ground and foster understanding without compromising personal convictions.
1. Respect and Open Dialogue: The foundation of any healthy relationship is respect. Both the writer and their sister should make an effort to listen to each other’s perspectives without judgment. Engaging in open dialogue allows for empathy and a deeper understanding of each other’s beliefs.
2. Exploring Shared Values: Despite their differing beliefs, the writer and their sister may have shared values they can connect on. For example, both may believe in the power of love, compassion, or the importance of supporting one another during challenging times. By identifying these shared values, they can find commonality and strengthen their bond.
3. Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are crucial in maintaining mental and emotional well-being. The writer has already expressed their need for boundaries to their sister, but it’s important to reiterate and enforce them if necessary. Clearly communicating limits can help both parties navigate conversations respectfully.
4. Seeking Professional Mediation: If the conflict continues to escalate or becomes unmanageable, involving a neutral third party can be beneficial. A professional mediator or therapist can help facilitate conversations, provide guidance, and assist in finding common ground.
5. Practicing Empathy: Both the writer and their sister should make an effort to understand each other’s emotional experiences. The sister’s persistent prayers may stem from a genuine place of concern and love. The writer, on the other hand, may be grappling with their own fears and accepting their mortality. Acknowledging these emotions and expressing empathy can foster a more compassionate relationship.
In conclusion, navigating differences in beliefs requires open communication, respect, and empathy. While finding common ground may not always be easy, it is possible to maintain a loving and supportive relationship despite differing convictions. By focusing on shared values and setting boundaries, the writer and their sister can find a way to support each other without compromising their individual beliefs.
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A year ago, I was told I had a form of ovarian cancer and was given two to three years to live (five years, if I’m in the top quartile of patients). I cared for my husband through metastatic lung cancer for 15 months. It was horrible; I hope God takes me early.
My sister, whom I love very much, is part of a fundamentalist Christian church and is one of their main “prayer warriors.” As such, she calls me almost every day and launches into lengthy prayers asking God to send my cancer to the “foot of the cross.” She implores me to pray with her and says that if I believe that God will heal me, he will.
I grew up Catholic and moved away from the church. I believe that God is bigger than what we can understand as human beings. I am a data-driven healthcare professional: I believe that everyone has to die of something, and that is my destiny.
I have told her, as tactfully as possible, that it bothers me that she prays for me and expects me to pray with her for my healing. She makes me feel that if there is a God, she must really hate me; otherwise, she would have cured me. (She says that he wants to use me as a “messenger” to others and that it was the Devil, not God, who gave me this disease.) Also, I had a pretty abusive marriage and I’m a little scared that if there is life after death, my husband will have the opportunity to abuse me further in the afterlife.
What do I tell my sister without belittling her beliefs? I told her that if she wants to pray for me, she would prefer that she do it on her own time and that she not ask me to participate. But she is persistent, thinking that she is going to “save my soul” and my body at the same time. She questions every reason I give her and insists that what she’s doing is helpful. But it is not useful; She sends me into a terrible depression. — Name withheld
From the ethicist:
His is not the stereotypical clash between believer and skeptic. You are something of a believer, as evidenced by your anxieties to meet your late husband. (Let me assure you that from the standard Christian point of view, as the Catholic and Protestant clergy I consulted concur, you would not be subject to abuse by your late husband in the afterlife.) What he doesn’t believe in is a personal God or the power of intercessory prayer. Since your sister is a big believer in these things, what she’s doing makes sense.
And that’s why this clash is so difficult: his is the good-hearted action of a devoted brother. You have presented your arguments; At this point, you simply need to let him know that you find his calls to prayer daunting and that you want to spend the remaining time making peace with your condition, not wasting your energy in what you consider to be a futile effort to deny reality. You can tell him all this firmly but tenderly and without bitterness, acknowledging that he has been acting out of love for you. (You can ask other family members to support his request as well, if you think it would make a difference.)
Even the most staunch believers struggle with doubt, and your prayer warrior sister may also be having a hard time accepting your mortality. The thought that she can’t do anything about it may hurt her. However, whatever the explanation, you may have to tell her that if she calls you to pray, you’ll just hang up. Your situation is already difficult. Your sister’s convictions (and her love for you) don’t give her the right to make things worse. What you need from her now is a particularly demanding kind of love: the kind of love that puts aside her own convictions out of respect for the convictions of others.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader who was told by a summer intern at his company that the intern’s hobby was recklessly dragging race cars, frequently over 130 mph, on public roads. He wrote: “I am struggling to know what to do. Do I need to report this behavior to human resources so we can take it into account when deciding whether to make a job offer? Should I just keep quiet and hope for the best and let you be evaluated solely on your work at our company? Should I go up to him and tell him that he is risking his life and possibly others?
In his response, the ethicist noted: “Because you told them about their reckless behavior in a moment of friendly collegiality, reporting it would be treasonous. But you do need to let him know what you think. If you don’t say anything, he might infer that you tolerate the hobby, which could encourage him to continue with it. You will have done nothing to protect unsuspecting strangers from the dangers this activity poses. He also will not have protected you from jeopardizing his position at the company and elsewhere if what he is doing makes news. Using public roads as a racing circuit is a good way of not getting anywhere fast.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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An excellent response from the ethicist. By sharing his concerns, the letter writer is treating the inmate as an adult and is possibly expanding the youth’s understanding of the ramifications of this behavior. If the intern’s reaction is to not see this and not appreciate the advice, it is more information about his maturity and suitability for a permanent position with the company. — pam
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In addition to carrying out their illegal activities., the intern also displays extremely poor judgment in revealing his illegal activities to what appears to be a casual colleague at an internship. Would you want someone with such poor judgment and loose lips to represent your company and speak to clients? This should be why he recommends against hiring you for a full-time position. — Gaurav
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The author of the letter has a golden opportunity to guide the young intern by telling him about the long-term professional consequences if an accident or speeding citation occurs on public roads. It is clear that this young man has promise and can make great contributions to the company. The same is true for all young people: it is up to older people to help them improve their chances of success by giving up bad habits. — Isabel
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The decision of the intern Sharing this information with the letter writer raises concerns about what the intern may consider appropriate to share about himself or herself with current and potential clients, and may indicate a greater lack of judgment that could manifest itself in other ways at work. A discussion with the intern about her unsafe behavior should also be accompanied by a discussion about appropriate boundaries in a professional setting. — Andrew
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I agree with the ethicist’s recommendation. but you would have liked your answer to include more emphasis on the lives the driver puts at risk. I think saving lives is more important than this young man’s career prospects. There is absolutely no certainty that he and the other racers will not meet another vehicle on the road. My adult niece is recovering from a recent accident caused by two teenagers racing on a highway. She has a long and slow recovery ahead of her, and it was all completely preventable. — Diana
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