⬥
I take issue with the Ethicist’s advice to the woman who would like to have a sexual encounter with a man outside her long-term marriage. Do the math: The letter writer has been married for more than two decades. She is in her late 50s. She probably married in her 30s and she says she had only two sex partners before getting married. This restraint netted her … what? A third partner who turned out to be unfaithful. Because of gender expectations, it is probable that her husband wasn’t equally restrained before marriage, and it is clear that he was not after they married. Now the Ethicist advises her that she should share her desire for variety with her previously unfaithful husband. To what end? Either he agrees to the experimentation (which will bring up future complications, like guilt), or he convinces her to repress her desires, which will curtail her own wishes, no doubt causing the attendant frustration. She has figured out a way to satisfy herself, while minimizing the damage to her relationship. This woman owes herself the experience. If it turns out badly, tant pis. If it turns out well, she is very likely to return to her husband satisfied that she has fulfilled those wishes. And if she wants to give it another go, then it speaks more of her general dissatisfaction with the marriage than this specific desire. In any case, it is doubtful that putting this longing “on ice” will quell any of the fire, and I find the Ethicist’s advice to be tinged with wishful thinking and more than a bit of bias. — Froster
⬥
Sorry, but this is not for a man to answer. The letter writer is not alone in her desire to have sex with another man. My response is this: Turn off the guilt switch, and go ahead with your plan. It may be great, it may be mediocre, it may be awful. It doesn’t matter. You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering how it would have been. You’re obviously a smart woman. You’ll deal with the outcome. Take it from one who knows. — Lindsay
⬥
Mostly, I agree with the Ethicist’s response, however, I think he missed the opportunity to share a reasonable suggestion. Sometimes after a very long and happy relationship, partners need more variety in their sex life. A sex counselor can help, and role-playing is terrific too. The husband can pretend to be a stranger on the beach, and they can live out the fantasy with new tools. — Z
⬥
I can offer a little insight because I experienced the same thing, but from the husband’s perspective. My wife and I had been married for more than 30 years when she started going through menopause and her libido increased drastically. Our sex life was similar, although we started having relationship problems, and she was depressed a lot of the time. Looking back, I realize I could never give her the excitement of someone new. She had a texting affair, and it all blew up. We had to work through a lot. It was very painful, and we managed to keep our relationship, but there’s no erasing the damage. There will always be scars. We had a come-to-Jesus moment and decided that we did love each other and would work together to repair our relationship. We had an enormous (and I do mean enormous) amount of sex, which was wonderful and satisfying for both of us. So for the author of the letter, it does sound as if she has been thinking intensely about it and has it all planned out. Unfortunately, plans don’t always work out, and the consequences can be tragic. I would not be surprised if one encounter did not meet her needs, and things could easily spiral out of control. And ironically, after my wife got through menopause, her sex drive went to zero, and mine did not. I would suggest that an open and frank conversation with her husband and a counselor would be helpful. I am sure it will be hurtful for her husband to discuss her issue, but not nearly as painful or damaging for both of them if she proceeds with her plans and her husband finds out.— Bill
⬥
No question. Just a congrats on this series of sex questions. I’m impressed with the Ethicist’s responses. These are all interesting scenarios that I imagine many have faced. His direct and compassionate responses are admirable. — Kate