One of our friends is a principal at a charter high school for underprivileged kids. My youngest son goes to public school with a wonderful principal. Between the two principals, they have five children. All five of these children go to private high school. I have never asked the principals to explain their reasoning, but it seems hypocritical. It’s fine for them to work there, but not fine enough to send their children there? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I can see why their choices raise awkward questions. But don’t assume it’s a vote of no confidence in public education. There can be all sorts of reasons that they think the specific schools their kids are attending are a better fit for them, and you’re not acquainted with the particular circumstances, priorities and needs within each family. (For one thing, people might very well not want their kids to hear them being bad-mouthed by their classmates.) If you’re curious, though, why not ask? As school leaders, they won’t be surprised to be questioned about their choices. There’s a broader conversation to be had, of course, about the resource gap between public and private schools. But people who help run public schools don’t lose their rights as parents to make the decisions they believe are best for their children.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a woman who disagreed with her husband about whether to divulge important information about her unborn child’s conception. She wrote: “My husband and I are thrilled to be welcoming our first child this spring, after an arduous I.V.F. journey lasting nearly two years. We ended up needing an anonymous egg donor, whom we found through an egg bank, to conceive our child. Select family members and close friends who knew that we were trying are aware that we took this route. However, my husband told me that he doesn’t want anyone else knowing that we used donor eggs, and that he is upset that some people already know. He is afraid that in a few years, someone will let slip to the child that they were conceived with donor eggs before we as parents have a chance to tell them ourselves. He believes we’re violating our unborn child’s right to privacy by sharing this fact with others. …What could possibly bring him around? Or how could I make peace with his position? And have I really deprived our unborn child of a right to privacy by telling a few people about how the child was conceived?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “When your husband talks about the child’s privacy, he’s suggesting that the child deserves the right to decide (at some unspecified age) who does and who does not know how this conception occurred. Yet we don’t usually think that the basic circumstances of our conception are something to keep secret. In the typical case, people understand children to be the product of sex between their parents. Is that a violation of privacy? It’s true that people who are the result of an anonymous egg donation can keep this fact quiet. The question is what interest it serves. … A two-decade study by researchers at the University of Cambridge found that in assisted-reproduction families, both kids and parents did better when the facts were disclosed early. Many fertility clinics have therapists who can help couples work through such issues.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I am a mother thanks to an egg donor. I applaud The Ethicist for an excellent response, as well as the letter writer for planning on being open. My children, ages nine and five, have known how they were conceived their entire lives. Anyone who’s important to us knows this story, too. It’s not the first thing we share with people, and most people don’t remember right away because it’s not something that defines our family. I’d encourage the parents-to-be to begin practicing telling their child about egg donation now, while they’re still pregnant. That gives them time to work out what to say and how to say it. By the time their child is old enough to understand, talking about it will feel a lot more comfortable. P.S. My redheaded children are definitely teased more for their hair color than the circumstances of their conception. — Lauren
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I disagree with the position taken in the response. The “owner” of the information is the future human, and his or her privilege should be respected. Hopefully, the other well-meaning friends and family members will join in protecting the privacy of this child. Although I empathize with a mother who had a painful struggle to achieve her pregnancy, her past suffering and need for support does not justify violating the child’s prerogative. — Marta
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My child’s father and I used an anonymous egg donor, and felt no shame or need for secrecy. Our daughter knows how wanted she was and has suffered no ill effects. It just hasn’t been an issue. It almost seems like this expectant father is ashamed that they used an egg donor. I suggest he consider himself fortunate that the technology has advanced to open this door to parenthood (and that he and his wife had the funds to pay for this process, because infertility is an extremely expensive condition to treat). Muzzling his wife is unnecessary and even cruel, in my opinion. — Nancy
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Can’t the letter writer just let family and friends know that they worked with a fertility clinic to conceive without going into all the details? There are a variety of ways that doctors can help couples to conceive, and it doesn’t seem necessary to go into details about the donated egg. — Paul
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I have been an I.V.F. doctor for over 40 years, and it is clear to me that there is no single best approach to donor egg or donor sperm secrecy issues that works for everyone (although, overall, secrecy is not a good idea). However, there is one best approach for each individual couple. No I.V.F. program offering donor services should be without a psychologist or counselor who reviews all of these disclosure questions with a couple before conception. That way, they can either come to an agreement about how to proceed or perhaps decide not to proceed. Pregnancy should be a time of great joy; it is heartbreaking to have a situation like this. — Donald