Issues facing the ‘new Jewish grandparent’ focus of JCC program

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“I Am Not My Parents’ Parent! The ‘New’ Jewish Grandparent” was held at the Katz JCC on May 7. At the event were (from left), Barney and Amy Kaplan, underwriters of the program from the Amy and Barney Kaplan Endowment Fund; Amy Kaplan serves as chair of the JCC Grandparenting Committee; Rabbi Richard Address, featured speaker and founder and director of Jewish Sacred Aging and the website www.jewishsacredaging.com; and Sarah Sellers, assistant director of Adult Enrichment at the Katz JCC.

Jewish grandparents face a different world today than their parents and grandparents did. “The demographic implications are staggering,” said Rabbi Richard Address. Speaking at the inaugural program of the Katz JCC’s Grandparenting Committee, Address said that a 2019 national study from the Jewish Grandparents Network pointed to a number of circumstances new to the world of Jewish grandparenting.

In 2019, over half (53%) of Jewish grandparents reported that one of their grandchild’s parents does not identify as Jewish. In interfaith families, two-fifths of the grandchildren are being raised with Judaism (either Jewish only, 15%, or Judaism and another faith, 23%), while one-fifth are being raised solely in another faith.

Address said that this has led to children who go to both synagogue and church and celebrate both Jewish and non-Jewish holidays. He said that he had an experience with grandparents who came to him, Holocaust survivors, who wondered whether they should attend a grandchild’s Christening. “Families are struggling with this,” he said.

In addition to the growth in the number of interfaith families, today’s grandparents face issues of distance from their grandchildren, childcare, and technology.

The fact that people are living longer, healthier lives also means that more grandparents are present in the lives of their grandchildren. Rabbi Address, for example, has little recollection of his grandparents. He never knew his father’s parents, and his mother’s father passed away before his bar mitzvah. “The new Jewish grandparent is much more involved and present,” he said, adding that this is partly due to technology, as he held up a smartphone.

Address said that almost no synagogue is doing programs specifically for grandparents. He said that at Cong. M’kor Shalom (now part of Kol Ami with Temple Emanuel), they did a grandparents’ program a number of years ago, and only 10 people came. Address is a past spiritual leader of M’kor Shalom.

One of the crucial issues, as with all grandparents, is “borders and boundaries,” said Address. It is the parents of the grandchild who set the rules, not the grandparents.

Among the many topics Address advised the JCC’s Grandparenting Committee to focus on was one of “legacy.” He said, “What of us, your heart, your Neshama (Hebrew for “soul”), do you want your grandchildren to take from you?”

Following his prepared remarks, Address took questions from the audience. He noted that relationships in families are a “dance,” and that every family has a different dynamic and different issues. He also noted that the Jewish community is changing.

“There is a new American Judaism,” said Address. He said that while the 2020 Pew Study showed that Jews are affiliating less and becoming less “institutional,” they are doing more “Jewish and spiritual things.” Address said that this shows creativity and is very exciting.

In an interview at the program, Sara-ellen Greenberg, a grandparent in the audience, said that her grandparenting experience is more typical of her grandparents than her parents. When she was young, her grandparents lived upstairs in the same house. She said that when her children were young, one set of grandparents was in Florida and the other in Philadelphia.

“There was less of an opportunity to be in their everyday lives,” said Greenberg, noting that she, her husband, and the other set of grandparents live close to her two grandchildren. “My daughter and son-in-law both work long hours. We fill in, taking them to museums, swim lessons at the JCC, and on trips. We are blessed that they live close. It is such a joy to spend time with them,” she said. “Things have come full circle.”

Amy Kaplan is chairing the JCC Grandparenting Committee, which is being underwritten by the Amy and Barney Kaplan Endowment Fund. She said that future activities will focus on various issues facing Jewish grandparents today as well as provide intergenerational programs. “We are hoping this is the first of many events.,” she said.