James writes: My partner, Allie, refuses to accept the possibility that our cat, Bookitty, ate two of our pet guppies. The four guppies — Turbo, Wobbles, Kickflip and Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville — were adopted for my 29th birthday. A few months later, Kickflip went missing, followed shortly by Turbo! I contend that it is at least possible that our cat ate them. Allie believes the other two guppies did it.
I’m no guppy expert. I don’t even know if “Fabian” at guppyexpert.com is a guppy expert. But enough poking around there suggests that male guppies can indeed get bitey when crowded. Does this exonerate Bookitty? Not really. But even if you had video evidence of Bookitty gleefully slurping Turbo and Kickflip down the hatch, Heathcliff style, the true murderer is you. Wobbles and J.B.M. might be monsters. But they need you to help them live as much as they need cute names. Consult a real guppy expert about tank size. (And get a camera on them. I don’t trust Bookitty either.)
John Hodgman is the host of the “Judge John Hodgman” podcast.