Jessica writes: One year my husband bought a cherry pie for me on Mother’s Day, despite knowing that I don’t believe in desserts that aren’t chocolate. So I pied him in the face with it. This became a yearly event until he started enjoying it too much. Now I refuse to pie him. But he and the kids really want me to.
It’s settled law in my fake court that if it’s not fun for everyone, it’s no fun at all. Shoving a pie in someone’s face is assault, and you should not do it unless you are certain your partner is into it. Unfortunately, it turns out your husband is really into that pie, and he has unfairly transformed your revenge into his kink. So throw this in his face: You have no obligation to play his sick game anymore, no matter what your kids say. They can save up their money and get their own shoving pie for dad. You can eat chocolate and watch.
John Hodgman is the host of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.