The second time he tried alcohol, at age 16, Chris Marshall totaled his mother’s car, racked up a DUI and ended up in jail. That didn’t scare him sober. Marshall loved how alcohol helped lubricate his social relationships and strengthened his sense of belonging. When he entered the University of Texas at San Antonio, he joined a fraternity and only increased his alcohol consumption.
But gradually, Marshall’s alcohol abuse left even his frat brothers concerned.
“It was clear that even in that highly intoxicated environment, I was still drinking more and for different reasons than my friends,” says Marshall, who grew up in Houston.
When he was 23 years old, Marshall realized he couldn’t quit smoking or even cut back on his own. Fortunately, he was still covered by his mother’s health insurance and was able to afford alcohol rehab. TO psychiatrist helped Marshall realize that his excessive alcohol consumption deeper problems hidden: anxiety and depression.
“This was the first time anyone said, ‘Hey, you’re self-medicating’” with alcohol, Marshall says. “All dots connected.”
Marshall’s doctor prescribed several medications for his anxiety, depression, and sleep affairs. Over the next 2 years, Marshall not only got sober, but was also able to gradually reduce his prescription medications.
Looking back, Marshall now sees that he relied on drink as a crutch to feel closer to other people and project a certain identity for himself. “Alcohol is really a social currency,” he says.
James Murphy, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Memphis in Tennessee who studies addictive behaviors, says that finding help like Marshall did is key to stopping alcohol abuse.
“Recovery is more likely to be successful when you have a lot of support—from professional counselors, friends, support groups, family,” says Murphy.
At the same time, he says, new habits like therapythe right medications and new activities can spark “passion, curiosity, and joy” and help maintain sobriety.
Sometimes new insights can help crystallize a path away from alcohol.
Tawny Lara describes herself as “a party waitress” who, like Marshall, began drinking in her mid-teens. Drugs were also part of her scene. Now a writer and public speaker living in New York City, Lara flirted with sobriety many times before she finally got tired of all the “brain gymnastics” to justify it.
“Every night was essentially the same: excessive alcohol consumptionemotional breakdowns, fast food at 2 am, hangover in the morning,” she says. “Now, my life is full of self-awareness and possibility. I have more time and money to do the things I always wanted to do.”
Lara’s new sober lifestyle also paved the way for her to fully embrace her essence: her bisexuality. She gives talks on sober sex and has written a book about it.
At first, Lara says, she found sobriety “very uncomfortable. I thought there was a flashing sign above my head that said, ‘This girl doesn’t drink.’”
The truth is that “most people don’t care or pay attention to what others drink”.
Lara was also quick to realize that people who asked nosy questions about why she didn’t drink “tend to have their own alcohol complexes.”
“I used to think sobriety was boring, but now I see that being a party girl was boring,” Lara says.
One key to successful sober living is mapping out real-life social scenarios.
“Go to events with a goal in mind,” says Murphy of the University of Memphis. “If your goal is to drink in moderation, have a very specific plan for the amount and type of alcohol you will consume and how you will space your drinks. If your goal is abstinence, remind yourself whyyou are making this decision.”
Rehearse how you’ll turn down the drinks, says Murphy. What non-alcoholic drinks will you order? What is your plan if a strong desire hits you? It can also help to line up some “safe” people who will respect your position.
Also, know that you can walk away from the party or even leave at any time, Murphy says. “You don’t have to tell people why you’re not drinking.”
Laura agrees. “Never compromise your mental health for the simple fact of going to an event,” she says. “If you’re super excited about a first date or a party where there’s going to be alcohol, it’s okay to back off or leave early. Anyone who cares about you will understand. Sobriety is about taking care of yourself, not pleasing people.”
Now she loves to be sober at big events like concerts and weddings. “In fact, I remember conversations and moments that took place.”
Marshall grew up in a religious family that did not consume alcohol. In black culture, medication and mental illness are too often seen as weaknesses. Overcoming that stigma added to the challenge of Marshall’s recovery.
“The hardest part is that at first you may not realize that even though your sober life doesn’t feel right right away—you may feel more anxiety, pain, and less joy—you have chosen a path that will gradually maximize your well-being. . -Being throughout time.”
Once sober, Marshall became a licensed substance abuse counselor for 8 years. He worked at a detox center for 18 months.
“I became a ‘wounded healer’ and I became a helper,” he says. Then Marshall realized that the same type of customer kept showing up over and over again, with nowhere to go and no one to hang out with without alcohol.
So, in 2017, Marshall opened Sans Bar, an Austin, TX hangout with only non-alcoholic drinks on the menu.
“It’s a beautiful thing when people can decide for themselves not to partake in alcohol, to celebrate being alive and make conscious choices,” she says.
Some companies book happy hour at Sans Bar so people can enjoy the social environment outside of the office, but “nobody says anything silly or stupid.” Sans Bar has even gone on the road, with “pop-up” bars from Alaska to New York City.
Helpful strategies for people starting out on a sober path include breathing techniques and “rush surfing,” a meditation technique for visualizing temptations as waves that you can overcome. Prescription medicines can help control cravings or dampen the pleasure you get from alcohol.
Marshall believes that total sobriety is as much a journey as it is a destination. His personal mantra is “as long as you try to get better and better, you can’t fail.”
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