Readers Respond
Last week’s question was from a reader whose girlfriend expressed her love, but those feelings weren’t fully reciprocated. They wrote: “I’ve been dating my girlfriend for more than six months now, and we’ve been going along really well ever since we first met. Time together is always of quality, and I care a lot about her. A few weeks ago, she told me for the first time that she loved me. Although her words meant a lot to me, it led me to believe that I wasn’t sure I actually loved her — though I care deeply about our relationship. Is it wrong to say ‘I love you’ if I am not sure I’m actually in love? I’m afraid this could lead us to end our relationship otherwise.”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “I’d suggest that you try speaking to her — opening yourself up to her — with a full heart. As your copine surely knows, people in a couple who come to love each other don’t necessarily do so simultaneously. It sounds as if she’s willing to give you time and space to develop your feelings at your own pace. And an honest conversation is how the deeper ethical work of love happens — the work of seeing, honoring and caring.
But if she has a vision of a shared future that doesn’t resonate with you — if you consider the relationship comfortable but not necessarily for keeps? In that case, exaggerating your feelings in order to preserve the status quo would amount to ‘breadcrumbing’: leading her on, and preventing her from moving along with her life. The prototype breadcrumber is the manipulative cad who just wants to keep all options open on a Friday night. More typical breadcrumbers, I suspect, are driven not by cynicism but by uncertainty, and by a desire to avoid conflict. They may tell themselves that they’re being kind as they postpone a reckoning.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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If I had lied, and said I loved her when it wasn’t true, I would have felt guilty about the lie, and resented her for putting me in a situation where I felt pressured to lie. It might well have messed up the relationship badly enough that I would not have been able, a few months later, to say “I love you” and mean it. And marry her, the love of my life. Not saying that choosing the path of honesty could not have gone very badly, but for me it went very, very well. — Ed
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Regarding the surprise “I love you” declaration, I’ve been on both sides of this equation, so I can empathize — especially as I often tend to be the one doing the declaring! As the recipient, however, I think you could initiate a kind and gentle discussion, acknowledge the importance of the stated feelings, say you feel very affectionate/comfortable in her company or whatever is true, but above all stay honest and don’t say the L-word unless you mean it. And please avoid mealy-mouthed phrases like “I love you but not in that way,” as this is no comfort to the recipient. A heartfelt thank you, an acknowledgment of the feelings (“It means a lot to me”) and an emphasis on the good feelings you have toward her without raising false hope is, I think, the kindest and most ethical route. Tricky to navigate and the conversation could go in many directions — but love is like this, and you will both benefit from negotiating this with tact and care. — Sheena