My father was awful. Do I have to plan his funeral?

After spending my childhood going back and forth between divorced parents, my relationship with my father (whom I never lived with full time) became routine and feared as I matured into adulthood. Not only did I recognize that he was a deeply unhappy person with addiction issues that occasionally put me in danger, but I was always bothered by his racist, misogynistic, and homophobic jokes. These and other behaviors became intolerable to me as I entered my 20s, and I distanced myself until firmly cutting off all contact about five years ago.

I don’t miss it and I have never regretted that choice. Also, and perhaps this marks me as a cold person, I no longer have contact with his side of the family: we were never close and shared no warmth. However, my father’s brother died recently, and while I am not worried about not being able to say goodbye to them, I have wondered what I will do and feel when my old father dies. I don’t even know who would arrange his funeral etc. Ethically speaking, what do I owe to a father I have no contact with, no respect for, and never want to see again? — Name withheld

From the ethical:

We have duties towards others that derive from the nature of our relationship with them. Being in a relationship with someone whom you value for its own sake, not for the benefits it may bring, is, as my colleague Samuel Scheffler has put it, “to see oneself as having special responsibilities” to that person. However, this is clearly not a relationship that you value in any way. So do you have any obligation to this man?

Now, gratitude can force us to do things for people we don’t like. And you might think that you owe this man some gratitude because he helped raise you. You indicate, however, that his upbringing was unsatisfactory. Some people argue that just because someone was your biological parent means that you owe them something. After all, you owe them your existence. But it is much clearer that parents have responsibilities to the children they bring into the world than that children have automatic responsibilities to their parents. And whatever duty we, as children, have to our parents seems limited when they have failed in their duty to us.

Scheffler observes that upon coming into the world, we all inherit a network of unchosen social relationships that shape our lives and influence us in every way; having repudiated a personal bond, he says, “is not the same as never having had it.” His ambivalence speaks to this. I admit there is a case for you to arrange your father’s funeral, perhaps in recognition of the role he played in your life, and perhaps as a small act of gratitude for your existence. He doesn’t have many calls for you beyond that.

Thoughts? If you would like to share an answer to today’s dilemma with the ethicist and other subscribers in the next newsletter, please complete this form.

one additional question

A few months ago, my girlfriend shared that she was raped by her ex-boyfriend while they were dating. The event happened a couple of years ago and she decided not to act on it. They broke up and have remained out of contact ever since. However, the three of us went to the same school, so we shared several friends. Last week I was planning to do my usual cycling route with my schoolmates, and they decided to invite him. I excused myself saying that I was not feeling well. I didn’t want to spend time with him and I felt like my presence would erase what he did to my girlfriend.

I’m frustrated because I don’t want to share time and space with this man, but I don’t want to miss several meetings with my friends. I don’t think they should date him either, and I’m sure if they knew what happened, they wouldn’t. Still, I can’t share this information with them; my girlfriend has insisted that she wants it to remain a secret. To top it off, a friend has invited me to his birthday party next week and I know the rapist is going too. What I can do? — Name withheld

From the ethical:

There is no easy way out of this difficult situation. As you will understand, it is crucial to maintain your girlfriend’s trust and respect her privacy. Revealing that she was sexually assaulted is a decision only she can make. I suppose you could tell your friends that you don’t feel comfortable with this man without explaining why, although it will inevitably raise questions you won’t be able to answer. You can encourage your girlfriend to seek counseling (if she hasn’t already); doing so could help her deal with this painful episode and navigate friendship groups that may also pose difficulties for her. There’s even a scenario where she gives you permission to broach the subject only with her ex-boyfriend and asks him to stay away from her. Both her emotional well-being and yours matter, but only she must decide what, if anything, you can do with what she has told you.

readers respond

The question in the previous column was from a reader frustrated with her husband for constantly traveling first class on family vacations while she and her children were seated in economy or economy plus class. She wrote: “He justifies flying first class only because of the cost and the fact that our children (ages 12 and 16) might feel lonely if I traveled with him first and left them in the back cabin. … I don’t think our kids would care if they were on Economy Plus and my husband and I sat together in first class. Is it unfair of me to want?

In his response, the ethicist noted: “A modern marriage is meant to be a couple of equals, with each partner treating the other with respect, consideration, and dignity. Each has a say in making important decisions, and each cares about the comfort and preferences of the other. Her husband has another opinion. He evidently thinks that, since he is the ticket buyer of the family, his own preferences take precedence. … Your kids can handle being away from you all day at school, so yeah, they sure could manage a few hours on a plane without either of you. Still, if her husband thinks only one adult per trip should fly up front, why not suggest they take turns? (Reread the full question and answer here.)

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I would advise the wife to deepen their marriage. Is this the only area where the husband puts her needs and wants first? I doubt it! If so, there is another conversation that she should have with her husband. Possibly with a marriage counselor present. — Carol

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my question is yes the husband is the only person in the household with an income. Does the money she buys the tickets come from her own personal account or from the joint family account? This financial dynamic goes beyond who gets the window seat, and I’d venture to guess that air travel isn’t the only circumstance in which it manifests itself in your marriage. — smooth

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Appalling! As a husband and father I would never travel apart from my family. If I was lucky enough to get an upgrade, I’d be a gentleman and let my wife take the top seat. This man is setting a terrible example for his children. — Daniel

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Does the husband not share parental responsibility? He is treating his wife as if she is the babysitter instead of her partner. Both must fly together in first class or both in economy class. And their “solution” of flying a separate flight is almost worse. He is clearly saying that he feels superior to her and more deserving of comfort. — Sarah

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So the joy of traveling as a family seems to be such a foreign concept for both parents. I wonder why the kids should be left behind on the bus either. A family is a unit that supports each other through thick and thin. If the family can’t afford the first class, they shouldn’t. What kind of values ​​do these parents transmit to their children? — Diana