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I completely agree with what the Ethicist has advised about assisted dying. My husband had Parkinson’s as a result of Agent Orange exposure in Vietnam and got progressively worse as his symptoms advanced. We had many conversations over the 20 years of his disease, including teary ones, and had a list of what to do when he started to experience particular symptoms (the inability to walk, talk, feed himself or move). He wanted to explore medical aid-in-dying. We made a list of the 100 or so people to whom he wanted to say goodbye. One of his longstanding friends was completely against it — we were really clear with her that during that last visit she could say farewell, but she could not share her personal beliefs. My husband’s death three years ago at our home was profound, sacred and a blessing for his family and his whole community. — Milena
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Sorry Ethicist, I’ll have to disagree with you on this one. Given the letter writer’s description of his father’s attitudes and beliefs, I see your suggestion as only increasing the potential for conflict, external or internal. It would create a lot of consternation for the father, I’m sure, and a lot of breath-holding for the couple, providing this encounter goes well during the most stressful of times. Instead, if it were my father, I would just give him the news that my wife is in the final weeks of her terminal illness, and if he would like to have time with her, he should do so immediately. Let them have their moment together, without creating this potential conflict. The woman’s father-in-law would have an opportunity to say goodbye. He’s not entitled to his own vote or consultation, regardless of what he thinks, at the risk of possibly compromising her autonomy and her quest for peace. He can have whatever thoughts he wants, later. I don’t think this is deception. It’s managing a difficult situation as best as possible, while giving her the utmost respect in her decision. — Joseph
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“My body, my choice” is not just a slogan for women’s health-care autonomy; it applies as well to other decisions. I have nothing but contempt for those who feel entitled to run other people’s lives. — Ken
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The decision to die is deeply, profoundly personal, one made between individuals and their physicians. I’m very glad that I live in a state that permits this decision to be made deliberately, carefully and respectfully. Beyond the very thoughtful suggestions made by the Ethicist, having someone available who could support the father while he wrestles with his own emotions and dilemmas might be helpful for him, and for the rest of the family. End-of-Life doulas often serve in this capacity. — Art
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Unless something else does the job, I plan to somehow “check out,” as I say, something I’ve longed to do for many years but which I have put off for the sake of loved ones. I don’t have a specific age in mind, but I plan to do this before I turn 80. I feel a certain amount of indignation that people have to be diagnosed with a terminal illness or unmanageable pain before they are allowed to end their lives and that depression does not qualify as a good enough reason. I think there are plenty of reasons that make this life unbearable, and I don’t think that’s an opinion that is psychologically or mentally “defective.” In any case, I don’t think the state should decide who gets to die when and under what circumstances, any more than it should decide whether a person has children. There is a kind of threshold between not living and living at the beginning of life and at the end of life, and law does not belong there. — Jan