My friend told me that she and her husband, who together make about $500,000, asked her son’s stepmother to report it on her taxes for the last two years so she could get more financial aid for college. Her son doesn’t even live with his stepmother, and she doesn’t support them.
I just found out that your son is now receiving a full grant for a very expensive private college. I’m supposed to go on a weekend trip with my friend in a few weeks, but I’m so upset about this that I don’t know if I can talk to her. Is this a fraud? What is my responsibility in this situation? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
Fraud, misrepresentation for the purpose of gaining an advantage, is not just a legal crime; it is also moral. Universities provide financial aid based on need. Lying about your need is unfair to those who fill out your forms truthfully. Because there is usually a fixed amount of help available, it may even deprive someone else in need of support. So what your friend is doing is very wrong, and the outrage you feel is an appropriate response.
You have another reason to be angry. By telling you this story, your friend demonstrated that she took you for someone who would share her indifference to moral issues here. She might even have thought that she would admire her stratagem. That conceit hurts you, and the anger you feel may also include a measure of resentment. If indignation is an appropriate response to mistakes in general, resentment is an appropriate response when wrong has been done to you.
Should you spread the news? Intentionally lying on the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), which is one of the forms they were likely to submit, could result in fines, jail time, or both, and the Department of Education will check a percentage of FAFSA applicants. Tax fraud, which may be occurring here, can also lead to severe penalties, although the IRS has limited resources to conduct investigations. I assume the university, if notified, would look into the situation, and students found guilty of lying on their application risk losing their place. Then her friend, her husband, her son, and stepmother would all potentially be exposed to life-changing sanctions for her.
Those penalties may not be unfair, but they would be a very significant burden to a friend based on the information they provided because they trusted you. We can be horrified by behavior without wanting to be the one to police it, and I hope that’s where you come out. Still, you should at least tell her that what she and her family are doing is abhorrent, as well as illegal, and that they shouldn’t be doing it next year.
At selective institutions like the one that gave this kid a free ride, “list price” tuition is paid by wealthy families; through financial aid, this effectively subsidizes families that are not. It’s a very imperfect system, but it means your scheming friend is basically playing Robin Hood backwards. Maybe this is not a friendship worth keeping.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader whose memory of Grandma was rapidly deteriorating due to Alzheimer’s disease. Soon her grandmother would no longer remember her, she said, and asked if she would still be obliged to visit once that was the case for her. She wrote: “I dread the prospect of seeing my grandmother diminished in this way and I can’t see the point. They are taking care of her: she lives in a memory care unit at an assisted living facility and my aunt is the primary caregiver for her. My grandfather died in a hospice 10 years ago and witnessing her last days was very traumatic for me”.
In his response, the ethicist noted: “There’s a reason Alzheimer’s disease is known as ‘the long goodbye’; the condition means we lose more and more of a loved one every day. …For a while, she might still enjoy your company, whether she remembers it or not. However, over time, this level of awareness can also fade. … If your grandmother is like mine, your well-being will have been a priority for her. This includes her emotional well-being; someone who needs to take care of small children certainly needs to take care of herself as well.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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A late-stage Alzheimer’s patient You have feelings, even if you can’t express them. The family has taken care of her emotional well-being by placing her in an assisted living facility. This is understandable: caring for such a person is a huge task. Does that free them from the need to be nice? Sing to him, read to him, brush his hair. Don’t assume she would want to be left to die alone. — isabelle
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My mother died of Alzheimer’s. There was a period of time where he did not acknowledge me or react to my visits, however I continued with my visits because the nursing home knows which patients are receiving visitors. The household knows that these visitors will complain if they see their relative neglected. A relative receives better care when staff know someone is watching. — Daisy flower
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The ethicist’s advice was Correct. I have firsthand experience with late-stage Alzheimer’s disease, and it’s traumatic even for caregivers. At some point the visit will be more punishing for the visitor than beneficial for the visited. Visiting while they intend to enjoy it is one thing, visiting after that can only cause pain to either party. — Thomas
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The ethicist missed some of the purposes of visiting a relative with advanced dementia. The granddaughter’s presence can comfort her aunt who has taken on incredible caregiving responsibilities. In fact, assuming those responsibilities even for a short time is an important support. She also demonstrates to her own children the diligence necessary in difficult times. — renee
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I absolutely understand the impulse to avoid seeing a loved one suffer, but it is one of the problems in our society that we look away from people who are struggling. Too often we deny the realities of aging. We deny the humanity of our elders and people with disabilities, and that choice diminishes us materially. The service you give your grandmother by not taking your eyes off her in the midst of her suffering sets an example for your children, and she shapes you as a person. Re-dial the frequency of visits if necessary, but don’t stop them completely. — Maria