When I married my second husband, I gained stepchildren, which has mostly been a good thing. However, his son (over 30) holds extreme moral and political views rooted in hatred — racism, misogyny and homophobia — that I cannot abide. For the most part, we operate in “don’t ask, don’t tell” mode to keep the peace. But recently, my stepson’s social media activity has escalated: He posts what I consider very hateful lies on local community pages (e.g., that all gay men are pedophiles). He and my husband share a last name, and we operate a business in our town serving all kinds of people, including many L.G.B.T.Q.+ people. Besides finding his views repugnant and wanting no association with them, I have heard from friends in town that his posts have dissuaded people from using our business.
I would love to bar this hateful person from our home, but I cannot. My husband has tried to explain to him how his social media activity is hurting our business, but his son insists he has the right to post whatever he wants. I’m unsure what to do next. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your stepson’s response that he has the right to post whatever he wants on social media reflects a common error: the tendency to think that having a right to do something is a justification for doing it. But the freedom to express yourself doesn’t confer freedom from social consequences. In this case, unfortunately, those consequences are falling on you and your husband. Your stepson has been informed of this. His persistence shows that he is not just prejudiced but self-centered.
You say you can’t bar him from your home. But you can have a conversation with your husband about what you’re willing to put up with. You shouldn’t have to tolerate remarks you find morally repugnant when he’s in your home. Why not talk about having a rule that such remarks will end the visit?
In the meantime, your business can post a public statement that it welcomes everyone and that relatives who don’t work there do not speak for it. On social media, you can report posts that violate each platform’s rules. You can even try to correct false claims when there’s some point in doing so. Your stepson may never change his attitudes, not least his attitude of indifference toward the costs he’s inflicting on others. The question is what you and your husband are prepared to tolerate, and what limits you’ll set to protect your livelihood.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who noticed a worrying trend among her friends. She wrote:
I have friends who look bizarre because of the amount of fillers and Botox they are getting. I want to tell them, but I feel that I should not, because I am afraid it will sound mean. If they are happy with how they look, it is none of my business. But I do not think they are happy, because they seem increasingly critical of themselves, and I do not think they realize how extreme it has become. Their aesthetic “clinicians” are selling them a look, along with a bizarre version of female empowerment centered on “me time” and self-prioritization. … I do not even know how to bring it up. … I want to convey that many of these med-spa injectors and consultants are not their friends. They are selling a product to benefit their business, and their advice may not be in my friends’ best interests.
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
You seem quite convinced that your perceptions reflect the objective truth and little swayed by the old saw about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. But your friends may indeed like the way they look, even if it strikes you as strange. … If you had one friend who obsessed over invisible flaws in her appearance, you could worry that she had some form of body dysmorphic disorder and needed therapy. But you’re talking about a group of people participating in the same beauty culture; the phenomenon you’re seeing is social, rather than medical. … You can share your views about these med spas, the insecurities they foster and the financial interests that drive them. … But maybe keep to yourself the part about how “bizarre” you think these women look. Friendship gives you reason and standing to be concerned about their well-being; it doesn’t give you license to decide what their faces ought to look like.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I myself am not a fan of these procedures nor the resulting aesthetic. But criticizing your friends’ looks is not the way. When a friend of mine was contemplating getting Botox injections, I urged her to reconsider because Botox is a vicious cycle. In these situations, you have to highlight the problems with the practice itself. Because you know what makes actual body-image issues worse? Telling that person that they’re ugly. — Lena
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In general, I’d recommend not commenting on physical situations that can’t be rectified quickly. Spinach in the teeth? Skirt tucked up in the back? Have at it. But what is the comment on cosmetic procedures meant to accomplish? Your opinion hasn’t been sought, so I would leave it alone. — Buzz
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Personally, I’d cultivate some new friends whose ethics and self-esteem align more closely with my own. Although everyone has the choice to do what they will with their faces, I have found that I have far less in common as a whole with those who opt for significant and ongoing cosmetic procedures. — Melissa
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Perhaps a tactful way of addressing this issue without offending your friends is to inquire about yourself. Broach the subject by asking that you were wondering about getting treatment for yourself, what their regimen includes, and if they think it is worth it. Here you are approaching your friend as a novice seeking the advice of an expert as compared to the concerned friend that is being judgy. That might be an inoffensive way to find out if they are satisfied with the treatments. — Drew
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If you’re truly a friend to the over-Botoxed person, I would come right out and say in typical New York fashion: What are you doing to yourself? I can’t even read your expressions anymore. — Arlene