I want to tell you my story with my full identity. But, what to do, the society is not comfortable for the people who have come out of jail. Even today it is very difficult for ex-prisoners to come into the mainstream with identity, so I am telling you my story without my identity. My aim behind this is just to tell that despite all the difficulties, suffocating life, troubles and guilt, you too can become better. I studied in jail for ten years, prepared for engineering, did many diploma courses. Today I am a production engineer.
I have been a prisoner. Convicted prisoner for full ten years. My imprisonment is now complete. But even today I am a prisoner of my past. Every day the rising sun reminds me of the high walls of the prison. Every waning evening, even in my imaginations, I definitely turn my hands on the bed lying on the ground of my barrack. My past makes all the achievements I have in the present feel huge.
My story begins from a small village in Hapur district. The year was 2009, I was a student of class 12th. He was average in studies but used to study hard. My dream was to clear the competition after 12th and do engineering from IIT. I had a happy family of six including three brothers, one sister and parents. were good friends. Life was simple.
saw the police in front
During that time I was very attracted to a girl from the village. I don’t even want to think about this whole matter again. I would just say that the report was written on behalf of the same girl under sections of rape. But I remember that day very well. Two to three months were left for the board exam. I was just thinking of studying after having food. Then suddenly the sound of a car stopping outside the house was heard. Someone had knocked on the door of our own house. Saw the police in front!
i was numb
Police and my house? I felt strange. Everyone was scared, never before had the police come to our door. The coming of the police to someone’s house in the village is equivalent to losing his respect. When the police took my name and said that they have come to arrest me, I became completely numb, there is no blood if you bite. Winds started blowing on everyone’s face in the house. The youngest of three brothers, I was brought up with lots of pampering, tears were flowing from my mother’s eyes. Just then, two soldiers came forward, one put handcuffs on my hands, the other held me and asked me to walk forward.
was shaking to the core
I could not understand whether this is really happening to me or is it a dream. The women of the neighboring houses were staring at me from their doorways. Everyone was just looking at me. I reassured myself that nothing would happen. Will take you to the police station and drop you. Then after reaching the police station again there was a lot of nervousness. Even my soul was trembling. As soon as I said that I had not done anything, someone slapped me hard on my face. This was the height of my fear. Earlier there was no criminal record in the house. I was such a boy who had never seen a police station or a jail. On the other hand, the family and relatives were all worried.
This is how the first night was spent in the police station
There are no words to describe how the first night was spent in the police station. Everyone was feeling that maybe the other party would agree, a settlement would be reached. But nothing like this happened and after the challan on the third day, I was sent to jail. I also remember the date of October when I was sent to jail. It was five to six in the evening. It was in my mind that soon bail would be granted and he would be released. He stood in line at the jail gate. There, first all the clothes were removed and searched, then the medical checkup was done. I got a plate-blanket. Couldn’t feel anything now. It was about ten o’clock in the night. I was given dal roti sabji in the same plate. I was very hungry after the day’s fatigue. Seeing the food in that plate of the jail, I was missing home. How we brothers, sisters, parents used to eat together. Thinking of high walls all around and that imprisonment, the heart started beating loudly again. There were 200 to 250 prisoners in this barrack built in about one bigha. Some of them wanted to talk, but I could not understand anything. It just seemed like what happened to me. I fell asleep thinking this.
date on date…
Then the next morning, everyone ran for the counting, where breakfast was to be served. I also followed behind them. Someone told me that many news items have been published against me in the newspapers. Got more scared after hearing the headline. Now it seemed that I might get hanged. Well the family members came to meet, hoped for bail. But, I could not get bail. Now one day the hope of getting bail started passing. When the hearing of the case started, I was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment by the sessions court. The family members went to the High Court for bail, but I could not get bail from anywhere. Still it was expected that maybe if not today then tomorrow the bail will be available.
An application was filed in the High Court. So in the year 2012, the bail was canceled even by the High Court. After that date after date kept reading, there also the sentence was upheld. But while living in the jail, I realized that the people living there always have a hope of going out. While living there, that hope never breaks.
Such was the routine of the jail
My life started running in a routine. Opening of barracks at six in the morning, counting by pairs. We used to go to the circle office, there we used to get breakfast, some day porridge, some day bunde (food item), some day gram. Counting used to go on, along with breakfast was available. Used to come back to the barrack after taking breakfast. Used to have breakfast after taking bath. After this there was a roti parade at 12 noon in which we used to get food. After lunch the counting was done again and the barracks were closed. Then the barrack used to open at four o’clock and at five o’clock again they used to stand in the line for the roti parade and then the barrack used to be closed.
The noise of the barracks, the sound of fans, the sound of LED TV. You cannot imagine how suffocating it is when there are 200 people in a hall in summer.
but punishment is punishment
I knew that what is happening to me is a punishment. I didn’t even know when my exams passed while waiting to get out. I had missed my studies. It’s been four years of living this routine. Now the year 2013 has come. Understand that it took four years to understand that now something has to be done. How long will this last? Earlier it used to be thought that now we will be freed, then we will be freed. If not in this date, then you will be missed in another. But this year I filled the 12th form on the advice of the Jail Superintendent. Now when my studies started, a feeling of peace started coming.
Here I used to get the facility of reading in the jail library. Get the duty inspector signed, make a slip and go to the library to read it. Read the rest in the barracks. There we had a teacher who used to come to teach. Other children like me also used to study from him.
When jail became exam center
Well, it’s time for the exam. The exam center was made in the jail itself. My study partner and I went to give the exam. When he came back, the people living with him would ask how was the paper. It seemed comforting. Anyway, if you stay at one place, you feel like it. But, from here your thinking is also formed. I used to hang out there with all kinds of people, but my mind never went towards going into the world of crime. It is believed that those who go to jail, come in the company of criminals and start tempting them to the path of crime. Many people even become gangsters. But I chose the path of studies. Not a gangster, he became an engineer.
Everyone celebrated when they got good marks
Now the time has come for the result after giving the exam. I passed in first division with more than 84 percent marks. So many people were happy, the atmosphere became very good. My classmates also passed with very good numbers. We were 8 to 10 children, I was at number three among those who got the best marks. I got 423 marks out of 500. After that the bus started. The spirit of study had awakened. I was given a laptop by the UP government. Now after 12th, filled the form of B.Com from IGNOU. Did Certificate in Information Technology course from IGNOU itself. I got 67% marks in this. Then did Certificate in Human Rights course. Apart from this, also did computer course. I used to do whatever was done there.
handcuffs in one hand, pen in the other
Meanwhile, mother, father, brothers and sisters all used to come twice a week from home to meet. I told them that I am preparing to become an engineer. Meanwhile went to give entrance exam twice for B.Tech. At that time the exam of UPSEE (Uttar Pradesh State Entrance Exam) was held. But could not get out. The police took me to take the exam, I was handcuffed in one hand, and I was writing the exam. Everyone at the exam center was looking at me as if I was a terrorist or a gangster. All these things were giving a lot of pressure to my mind. Perhaps this was the reason why the exam did not pass.
freedom after captivity
My B.Com studies continued from jail itself and in the year 2018, the time for my release came. The time I was dreaming of. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks now thinking about how it would feel to go outside. I was missing that freedom, my home, the food made by my mother, my bed. The jail officials were very appreciative of my behavior. Now the day has come when I had got freedom from captivity.
I reached my home with my family members. The whole village had gathered to see me. It was like a fair. Nobody said anything. I felt strange inside myself. When I reached home, it was as if my existence in the house had disappeared. The colors of the walls of the house were different. My brothers who used to play with me were married. There were sisters-in-law in the house. The sister had now grown up and the faces of the parents were withered. I didn’t have my clothes anywhere in my house, nor my room, nor my bed, nor much of my identity.
Got admission in engineering college
It took five to six months to adjust to this new environment. It was as if I had come to someone else’s house. I also realized that many people who used to love earlier were leaving blindly. Some who were very good friends once, now felt hesitant even to talk to them. Now that connection was not being felt. Forgetting all this, I now gave UPSEE exam, so this time I got a rank of around 13 thousand. Due to this I got a good engineering college in Noida.
In college, I did not tell anyone my past. If he had told, then people would have seen more faults of others. I quietly studied mechanical engineering off campus. Even before passing the last semester, I got placed in a reputed company from the campus. In the year 2022, I joined the company. I get 25 thousand rupees monthly during training here. Here too I did not tell anyone my past. I am afraid that knowing my past, I might be fired without understanding. Only I know how, under what circumstances I have fulfilled this dream of mine.
never been out on parole
In my ten years of imprisonment, I could never come out. Not even in brother’s marriage. Here the appellant is given parole. But once the parole was done, my name was not written in it. By the time the correction was done, the time for parole had passed. I used to see the outside world only while going to court. Here too people used to look like prisoners. It was very bad to see this.
If I marry then by telling the past…
I don’t mind sharing my past with anyone. But I have to hide this identity. Now if I get married, I will do it only after telling all this. I can’t hide anything. The one who filed a case against me, I have been punished, I have forgiven him from my heart. Now my mind has completely changed. I don’t even hate and have no feelings. I don’t have any anger towards him. Forgot what happened.
the villagers appreciate
People break down after getting such a long sentence, but I handled myself. Now people in the village appreciate me, they say that look, the boy came after being in jail, still standing on his feet. Even in jail, I started working in the office with the jailer. There I had to do things like presenting the muscles in the register, maintaining the search register. For this I used to get 25 rupees per day. We used to get checks made. Many times I made checks. Other inmates who had become friends from the jail also come out and talk to me and many inmates learn from me. I like that in jail I am told as a good example.
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Illustration by Vani Gupta
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