In his response, the ethicist noted: “Unfortunately, there is no simple way to avoid your request without offending. Ignoring him might just prompt him to annoy you even more, and your goal is apparently to get him out of your life, not have him buzzing around you like an irritated wasp. You could give him what he wants to keep the peace, but that could gnaw at your conscience. Your last option is to provide him with your contacts, while letting headhunters know about your concerns about him. If he does, he should find a way to let his former colleague know too that he found his comment disturbing.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Looking for a new job is this colleague’s own responsibility, and he is perfectly capable of finding a headhunter himself. Also, when someone asks for a favor, he knows that “no” is one of the possible answers. If the letter writer really doesn’t want the confrontation, he should simply ignore the message from him. No answer is also an answer. — Marjorie
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A good way to answer to hateful comments is to use a kind and caring voice and say, “Wow. I’m curious about how you came to this view.” Ask questions as the person explains, and after listening carefully, explain how you arrived at your point of view. Hopefully, at least his patience and respectful exchange will give this person something to think about. — jill
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A reasonable option could be to provide this colleague with the contacts and let him know that you think his sexist comments are a problem. This could keep her on his side in the future (or at least not make her his enemy) and also make her responsible for his harmful views. — Miguel
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Helping a sexist man advancing your career by sharing professional contacts would be a betrayal of loyalty to the woman in your profession. But telling him what she thinks of him or warning other companies about hiring him will likely come back to haunt him. It’s perfectly fine to say, “Gee, I don’t think any contacts I have are going to be useful to you,” and then call it quits. — Janet
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If this man is called from your comments, the probability that you will belittle your colleague is almost 100 percent. He has already belittled other women in the presence of the letter writer, and surely he will with her. This puts women in a lose-lose position in sexist situations. The “calls” will double to defend their honor and their worldview. As a mentor to younger women, I honestly don’t know how to advise them. I have routinely spoken, but I have paid handsomely. — Pat
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