Sex expert Emily Morse just revealed the shocking truth about open relationships – are you brave enough to consider it?

For almost 20 years, Emily Morse has been talking publicly to people about sex. She has done it in intimate small group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and television and social networks; and the sex therapist has done so, most prominently, in his popular “Sex with Emily” podcast. A lot of what she’s talked about over the years hasn’t changed: people want to discuss why they don’t have orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she’s been noticing something different: There’s a growing desire to find out more about open sex. In fact, Morse was already behind schedule in sending his publisher a draft of his new book, “Smart Sex: How to Increase Your Sexual IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when he decided he needed to add a section on non-monogamy because He kept being questioned about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, 53, “that monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about non-monogamy these days? People are more in therapy, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That’s been a big shift, and when couples look at their feelings and emotional intelligence, they realize: we can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. us. If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that’s equal, consensual, and pleasurable, but doesn’t take away from the bond of marriage.

In the book, you say that non-monogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? People in successful ethical non-monogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship with their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who say, Yeah, let’s find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up, often those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Successful couples have rigorous honesty and a deeper understanding of their own sexual needs and desires.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have good sex but can’t stand each other? I think that’s weird. If you’re not connected in other areas and sex is what drives you, I’d like to sit down with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than you think. But listen, people can decide what works for them. For me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust, depth, openness, intimacy, and communication. If you hate your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to screw up anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say that you don’t want to upset anyone, because in my life… If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I am very happy for you and your partner.

No no. What I was going to say is that I use that phrase with my children. One will say to the other: “Why are you eating that jelly?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t screw up their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s also a very important thing for sex: you never want to screw up your partner’s yum. This is what arises with fantasies, excitement and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy and you say “Ew,” it’s hard to get over it. So don’t get upset if you don’t like jelly and if you don’t like anal sex.

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the greatest pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; That desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there is no desire, it means that your relationship must end; that if you’re not having penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There are so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people you’d think knew the most. I have friends who have three children, educated, who say, “Is the G-spot real?”

it does. It’s an old ring. By the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic pussy ring!

What’s the most outlandish thing everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean eccentric as in kinkiest. I mean, what is it that people are prudish but need to get over? Yo I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships, when you do it on purpose and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to be embarrassed afterwards. You want to accept your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can begin to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals as they are today, and you do it without consequences.

On the subject of masturbation: in the book you write about this “Meditate, masturbate” technique, do you remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Good. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then, once I’m in the right headspace, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about what I want to happen in my life: “I hope I get that raise!” – so it’s more likely to happen? Yes. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you’re in a high state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two of the three M. Two out of three! Are you OK! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate and at the peak of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at its peak and you are in a clear state to transmute what you believe into the universe. — is a very powerful and clear energy at that moment to think and feel what you want. It could be an increase. It could be a better day. i feel like this is so court. I am from california! [Laughs.] But in that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, imagine it, it has a powerful resonance.

But that is magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this to you better, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this. feeling. I just think that meditating, masturbating, manifesting is basically a way to use your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sexual IQ: It seems clear that if you become healthier, you become more self-aware, you collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you become more comfortable with and accepting of your own body to yourself. , you are more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique vision there? That’s a great question, because yes, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my point is that you should take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all these things matter. I don’t think they are that innovative. It is more to apply them to sex on a daily basis. What I hear you say is, don’t people know this? they do not

I understand that the school did not meet California standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: it worked for 40 or 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is no fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees, in somatic sex therapy, and I took other things.

Do you think people assume you’re a doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a doctor. So people think I’m a Ph.D. – you are welcome. I think after 20 years of doing this, people know that I’m not a doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but if I say I’m a doctor of human sexuality, what I understand might not be as widely known.

What is the wisest thing someone has ever told you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who told me, but: “Sex is not just about sex.” It is about many other things. Sex is about your whole life. Sex is about energy, intimacy, and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That’s some great sex advice!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

David Marchese is a staff writer for the magazine and writes the Talk column. He recently interviewed Emma Chamberlain on leaving YouTube, Walter Mosley on a dumber America and Cal Newport on a new way of working.