The ethical advice given in the previous column raises the question of seeking love, intimacy, and companionship outside of a marriage. The writer, whose wife has been institutionalized due to poor health, feels there has been no love or intimacy in their relationship for the past 10 years. They are also raising three adopted grandchildren, two of whom have intellectual disabilities. The writer wonders if it is wrong to seek a relationship with another woman.
The ethicist suggests that if both parties were willing to release each other from their marital obligations, there would be no moral reason not to seek a relationship elsewhere. However, the writer believes that his wife will not free him from these obligations. The ethicist advises having an open conversation with the wife about her feelings and needs, and exploring the concept of a de facto divorce.
In response to the advice, readers offer their perspectives. One reader agrees with the importance of communication, generosity, and patience in relationships. Another suggests that the couple should seek couples therapy to address their communication and future plans. They emphasize that it is never too late to improve the relationship.
Other readers share their own experiences and observations. One reader, a retired coach, highlights the difference in social circles between men and women in retirement. They encourage the wife to actively seek out like-minded people for companionship. Another reader shares their frustration with their husband’s refusal to retire and how it has affected their shared late life.
One reader reflects on their own experience as a workaholic who only realized the importance of retirement and self-actualization later in life. They emphasize that retirement can be initially depressing but also an opportunity for personal growth and redefining one’s priorities.
In summary, the ethical advice suggests that seeking love, intimacy, and companionship outside of a struggling marriage may be justified if both parties are willing to release each other from their obligations. Readers offer their perspectives, emphasizing the importance of communication, therapy, and personal growth in relationships and retirement.
Additional Piece – Exploring the Complexity of Seeking Love Outside of Marriage
Seeking love, intimacy, and companionship outside of a struggling marriage is a complex and sensitive topic. It raises questions about personal fulfillment, commitment, and the ethical implications of pursuing relationships while still legally married. While the ethical advice provided presents a reasonable perspective, it’s important to delve deeper into the emotional, practical, and moral dimensions of such a decision.
One key aspect to consider is the emotional toll of being in a loveless and potentially toxic marriage. The writer describes their wife as narcissistic, and it is understandable that they may yearn for love and companionship that is lacking in their current relationship. Human beings have a fundamental need for connection and intimacy, and it can be mentally and emotionally detrimental to live in a state of perpetual isolation.
However, seeking love outside of marriage raises moral and ethical questions. The concept of fidelity and the commitment made in marriage is deeply ingrained in societal norms. While circumstances may mitigate the ethical implications in some cases, it is essential to approach the situation with compassion, empathy, and open communication. An open conversation with the spouse about their feelings, needs, and concerns is crucial to understanding the full scope of the situation.
Navigating this complex terrain requires careful consideration of multiple factors, including the financial and legal implications of divorce, the responsibilities of caring for children or grandchildren, and the potential impacts on the spouse’s well-being. It is essential to approach the situation without judgment and with a focus on finding a solution that prioritizes the well-being and happiness of all involved.
Furthermore, seeking love outside of marriage should not be seen as a panacea for all relationship problems. It is crucial to explore whether the dissatisfaction in the current marriage can be addressed through counseling, therapy, or other means of improving communication and understanding. Relationships require work and commitment, and exploring alternative options should not overshadow the potential for growth and healing within the existing partnership.
Ultimately, the decision to seek love, intimacy, and companionship outside of marriage is deeply personal and varies depending on individual circumstances. It is essential to approach the situation with empathy, honesty, and a commitment to open communication. Only through thoughtful consideration and mutual understanding can individuals navigate this complex terrain and find the path that best suits their needs and values.
Summary:
The ethical advice provided suggests that seeking love outside of a struggling marriage may be justified if both parties are willing to release each other from obligations. Readers offer perspectives on the importance of communication, therapy, and personal growth in relationships and retirement. Exploring the complexity of seeking love outside of marriage, the additional piece highlights emotional, practical, and moral dimensions to consider. It emphasizes the need for empathy, open communication, and careful consideration of multiple factors. It also encourages exploring potential solutions within the existing partnership before seeking alternatives.
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My wife and I have been married for 50 years; she has been “near death” for the last 30 of them and institutionalized for the last seven years due to her poor health. She is 68 and I am 71. There has been no love or intimacy in the last 10 years. We cannot afford to divorce. I am raising three grandchildren who we adopted. The two older children have intellectual disabilities due to fetal alcohol syndrome and will never live independently.
My wife will never leave the nursing home. She has full mental capabilities, but she is also the most narcissistic person I know. I had a steady girlfriend for over a year, but she and I broke up because she was having a hard time dealing with my kids.
Am I wrong to seek love, intimacy and companionship with another woman? My wife has had affairs while we were married. — Name withheld
From the ethical:
A lawyer could advise you on the legal implications, but formalities aside, if you and your wife were willing to release each other from your marital obligations, there would be no moral reason not to seek a relationship elsewhere. However, it sounds like you think she won’t free you from them. You don’t really explain why this is the case. (This also ties into whether you can afford a divorce: an uncontested one doesn’t have to be very expensive.) You say that there has been no love between you for the last decade; Is this also your perspective? Someone in an institutional setting certainly has reason to fear abandonment.
If the situation is as you describe it, you should have an open conversation with her about her feelings and about her needs and concerns. We have the concept of common-law marriage, when two people effectively live together as if they were married. Perhaps what we need here is the idea of a de facto divorce. But finding love elsewhere doesn’t have to mean breaking up with a vulnerable spouse.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader who was frustrated that her husband continued to have a demanding job even though she had retired. She wrote: “Now that we are in our 70s, I worry that we will never be free from the tyranny of my husband’s work. He refuses to discuss his retirement plans or give me a time frame for them. Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to honor my feelings and make plans to free up time for us to enjoy what’s left of the next few years?”
In his response, the ethicist noted: “Engagement starts with communication. When she says that she withdrew “in the hope” that his spouse would do the same, she does not say that she discussed the matter with him at the time. If he had assured you that he would join you in retirement, you would have written about a broken promise. … It’s certainly understandable that you want him to make your relationship a priority right now. But his reluctance to resign from his position in the company is also understandable. Many people derive so much from the sense of worth of their work that they are frightened by the prospect of a life without it.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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brilliant advice from the ethical. We cannot assume that other people (no matter what role they play in our lives or for how long) will be in tune with our philosophy or needs. The comunication is the key. Then generosity and patience must follow. — Exit
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The ethicist stopped short. of the obvious. This couple needs to get to couples therapy as quickly as possible, so they can have the necessary conversation about sharing and planning for their last decade or two. And don’t let anyone tell you that 70 is too late for therapy. It is never too late to improve your communication and satisfaction with your partner. Don’t wait until one of you is dead. — larry
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I particularly agree with the ethicist’s point about one’s work life affecting their sense of self-worth. As a retired coach, I have seen this situation many times. — the wife retires before the husband. Women in general have a larger social circle; they are more likely to participate in community activities, join reading groups, or volunteer. I encourage the wife to actively seek out like-minded people whose company she enjoys. — Debra
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The ethicist does not they seem to take seriously the shared implications of a partner’s decision, or non-decision. The husband is exercising a classic inertia veto, getting away with it by refusing to commit. This is a common pattern in many relationships, with “gains” for the partner who simply don’t act. My husband also refuses to retire. It’s not the shared late life we envisioned, and I feel cheated. — patricia
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I was that man, often working every day of the week, and having my identity defined by it. Only after I was forced into retirement did I see that I was a workaholic. It was a sick relationship. A truly capable person does not need an injection of stress from another person to give life meaning. Retirement is really depressing at first, because it takes time to make up for decades of having a daily adrenaline habit. I’m still busy, but I define for myself what’s important and try to address those things I overlooked in my early decades, including my children, my physical condition, and my wife, who tolerated my self-centered behavior for decades. Self-actualization at age 70 is just as relevant as it is for adolescents. A life defined by work is essentially meaningless. — Pedro
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