Title: Friend’s Treatment of Babysitters Raises Ethical Concerns
Summary:
– The author’s friend has mistreated multiple babysitters over the years, withholding food, refusing extra pay, and failing to honor agreed-upon benefits.
– Although the friend is kind to the author and their mutual friends, knowing about her treatment of babysitters makes the author uneasy.
– The author debates whether to confront the friend and risk damaging their relationship and the friendship circle, or to remain silent and carry on as usual.
– The lack of protections for domestic workers in the country is highlighted, and the author considers informing the babysitter about legal rights if it aligns with her wishes.
Additional Piece:
Title: Navigating Ethical Dilemmas in Friendships and Social Hierarchies
Introduction:
Friendships can be complex webs of social dynamics, especially when ethical concerns arise. The situation mentioned in the previous piece raises important questions about the responsibilities we have towards our friends and those they may mistreat, as well as the social hierarchies that influence our behavior. Let’s delve deeper into these issues and explore possible approaches to navigate such dilemmas.
1. Ethical Responsibilities:
– As individuals, we should be concerned when our friends engage in abusive behavior towards others, especially when it involves vulnerable individuals like babysitters.
– By staying silent, we inadvertently condone our friend’s actions and potentially contribute to the perpetuation of mistreatment.
– It is essential to recognize the power imbalances that can arise in relationships and consider how our silence may indirectly contribute to the exploitation of others.
2. The Risk of Confrontation:
– Confronting the friend about their behavior can be challenging due to potential negative social consequences, including damaging the friendship circle.
– However, prioritizing the well-being and fair treatment of others should override the desire for maintaining harmonious friendships.
– Before directly confronting the friend, consider communicating with the involved babysitter, ensuring her consent and support, and potentially seeking advice from organizations that protect domestic workers’ rights.
3. Protecting the Babysitter:
– Since the friend may retaliate against the babysitter if she learns about the complaints, it is crucial to respect the babysitter’s vulnerability and ensure any actions align with her wishes.
– If the babysitter expresses a desire for intervention, consider gathering evidence or documenting the mistreatment discreetly to substantiate the claims.
– Additionally, inform the babysitter about her legal rights and provide contact information for relevant labor department offices, particularly if they exist in your jurisdiction.
4. Boundaries and Friendship:
– It is important to recognize that abusive behavior makes someone unattractive company, and maintaining friendships solely based on convenience or social benefits can be ethically challenging.
– If distancing yourself from the friend without explicitly divulging the reasons becomes necessary, prioritize the well-being of the babysitters and other potentially vulnerable individuals over preserving a friendship that overlooks mistreatment.
Conclusion:
Navigating ethical dilemmas in friendships requires thoughtful consideration and a commitment to advocating for fairness and justice. By being mindful of the dynamics of power and social hierarchies, we can actively work towards fostering healthier relationships and creating a society that values the well-being of all individuals, regardless of their social status or occupation.
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My friend’s babysitter is good friends with my own babysitter. Over the years, my nanny has told me of cases where my friend has mistreated the babysitters she has hired: she withholds food, refuses to pay for extra work, and fails to honor the benefits she agreed to. This friend is nothing but lovely to me and our other friends, but knowing how she treats her babysitters makes me more and more uneasy, to the point where I don’t think I can be her friend and not say anything about what I know. This friend introduced me to her circle of friends a few years ago, and it is thanks to her that I am part of a great group of women. Should she step in and risk her acting even worse with her babysitters and creating a rift in the circle of friends? Or do I say nothing and carry on with business as usual? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
People are perfectly capable of being courteous to those they consider their equals while treating those they consider inferior with contempt. In fact, the existence of social hierarchies makes this a common phenomenon. Talking, as you acknowledge, may have social costs for you. Let’s put aside, for a moment, how your friend will react. Others in your circle may be anxious about what their dependents will say about them. They may feel that you have betrayed your friendship, even that you have betrayed a kind of class solidarity. But we should be concerned if our friends misbehave, and we should try to encourage them to behave better, especially to protect those they are hurting.
The biggest problem, of course, is that if you tell your friend what you heard, she will know that her babysitter has been complaining about her and she may retaliate. Since her nanny is vulnerable here, make sure that whatever she does meets with her approval. (That may involve contacting her through her babysitter.) It suggests this has happened with a series of nannies, which raises the question of how much longer the current one will be around. If she doesn’t want you to talk, you can wait until the next transition. If that’s not going to happen soon, you may feel like you need to distance yourself from your friend without saying why. Abusive behavior makes someone unattractive company.
Your letter points to a larger issue: There are relatively few protections for domestic workers in our country. Ten states and several cities have laws establishing legal rights for them. Some of your friend’s conduct may violate these laws. If you live in one of these jurisdictions, you could give your friend’s babysitter the phone number of the labor department office that investigates these cases. But this line of approach probably only makes sense if the sitter is ready to move on.
one additional question
We live in the country, and the neighbors, whom we rarely see, have chickens. They are released every morning. These are “free range” birds and they make a beeline for our yard. This has been going on for years with his various herds. It seems they don’t feed their poultry and expect them to survive by feeding. These birds are here all day, every day. I spend $50 a month to feed them. They appreciate it and I enjoy their company. The neighbors know that I feed their chickens, but they never give us any of their eggs. I recently observed that every two days a chicken will lay an egg in our yard. Do I have to tell my neighbors that this is happening? Should I deliver eggs, which are delicious by the way, to the owners of these stray birds? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
When it comes to eggs laid on your property, they are the finders, the keepers. (No doubt the local foxes, possums, and raccoons will agree.) Since your neighbors know you’re feeding their chickens, it sounds ungenerous that you’ve never been offered any of their eggs. But for that to happen, everyone would have to have a more cordial relationship than they do. If they saw each other more often, they might share not only the stray eggs from their flock, but also the fact that they are being eaten.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from an Egyptian American in his 60s who was engaged to a younger man he met in Egypt several years ago. The pandemic delayed his partner’s visa application and during that time their relationship became rocky. Now that the visa has been approved, the couple have a renewed interest in their marriage. Our reader wrote: “I still love him. He also says that he loves me. I don’t question that. But I’m afraid his love is situational and not solid. He never wanted to get married until I met him. I think of him as my life partner. Now this sentiment has been challenged. Does he have any ethical ideas that can help me decide?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Either he loves you for you or he wants a better life. Which is it? That one or the other captures our habitual common sense and has the consolation of simplicity. But then I think of the most celebrated ‘marriage plot’ novel in English literature, Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Why does Elizabeth Bennet love Mr. Darcy? His wealth doesn’t close the deal; she rejects his first proposal. However, she is far from irrelevant. … Austen thought that relationships could be amalgamations of all sorts of things; could be transactional and transporting What is in the heart of this man? Possibly a complicated mix of emotions and motives. But that doesn’t settle the matter. In the end, it is your own heart that you will have to consult. (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I found the answer from the ethicist. being thoughtful and nailing the complexities of love and life, particularly as we get older. Austen’s observations about people and their merits and weaknesses are priceless and still hold up today, as you ably demonstrated. Yes, love can be transactional and transporting! — Donna
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it makes sense that the young Egyptian would have doubts when they were separated for so long. When the visa came through, for him, there was suddenly hope that they could live together, and his perspective probably changed. As the ethicist pointed out, successful marriages can be created for any number of reasons, and if the letter writer feels that this person is right for them, then they should take the risk. — pam
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four months is too little a time to be sure that the relationship will work. I would advise these two to get married easily and calmly to take the pressure off time. So they can find out if their love works. If so, they can have any type of marriage celebration they want. If not, they separate. — Caroline
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My understanding is that You can apply for a fiancé visa and get one approved for 90 days without getting married right away. The letter writer could do that, bring her partner to the US, and then spend a few months together deciding if they still want to get married. — Jewelry
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As someone also in their 60’sI know that for love you have to take the leap with hope and faith. He loves his fiancée; at worst, he will help someone whose life is in danger to have a chance at happiness, security and society. At best, he will have the love, happiness, and companionship that he has always wanted. — Isabel
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