Teenagers know how to push their parents’ buttons. Instinctively, they come with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or making their parents angry out of frustration. How do you prepare to be a father of all that?

There are smart ways to counter manipulation. Here’s what experts have to say about how to keep peace in your family, not to mention your own peace of mind.

Family psychologist David Swanson says that children have many reasons to manipulate their parents. They do it to gain love and attention, to cover their butts, to get what they want, and to feel powerful. And the main reason they do it is because it works.

Swanson, the author of HELP: My Son Is Driving Me Crazy, 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents and What You Can Do About It He says it’s in a teenager’s nature to figure out the consequences of their actions and try different things to see what kind of response they get.

And parents, says Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist at the University of Alabama School of Public Health, are often unaware of how their own actions invite behaviors that fuel many conflicts between parents and teens.

Perhaps the most common form of manipulation used by teenagers is steamrolling. The best way to define sweeping is: “Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? How about now?” It is the endless, repeated request that aims (even if unconsciously) to wear down a parent so that the teenager can get what she wants.

Fight fire with fire, says psychotherapist and mother of two Stacy Kaiser. Kaiser is the author of How to Adult: The 10 Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know. She says parents should think about their bottom line and develop their own “broken record” phrase. If your teen wants to hang out at the mall with friends, for example, but hasn’t finished their homework yet, her mantra is simple: “You should do your homework before you go to the mall.”

There is no need for further discussion. Keep responding with the same phrase and become your own broken record. That makes it much harder for your teen to take it down, Kaiser says.

Swanson also offers the “surveillance method.” Here’s the script: “When I give you your answer, if you keep asking me, I’ll let you know that you’re crushing me. And if you continue, I’ll look at my watch. For every moment you continue to do it after I told you that you’re crushing, “It’ll be two minutes of going to bed earlier or watching deleted videos.”

Once you’ve explained the basic rules, take a 10-second look at your watch. Your teen will know that he means business. “That’s when the bully stops acting against you and starts acting against your child,” Swanson says.

“Teenagers think that if they don’t tell the truth,” Kaiser says, “they have a better chance of getting what they want.”

White lies or lies of omission are common. For example, your child may be honest about going to his friend’s house, but leave out the fact that his friend’s parents won’t be home and there will be alcohol there.

As children get older, lies become more sophisticated and therefore harder to identify. Furthermore, says Kaiser, teenagers start collaborating with each other in making stories. “They will both agree to tell their parents that they are going to Karen’s house when in reality they are going to Tommy’s house,” Kaiser says. If either child’s parents call the other’s parents, their story will be corroborated because they both told the same lie. “Because his friend’s parents support him, they get away with it,” he says.

Stay alert to where your child is going and with whom to minimize lying. And when you discover a lie, attack immediately. “Let your child know that lying is not acceptable, and for this offense, he will take away the TV for a day,” Kaiser says. “If it happens again, take it for a week. Children should know that a repeat occurrence has major consequences.”

Many teens provoke their parents by doing something hurtful or simply not doing what is expected of them (like cleaning their rooms) just to even the score by not getting their way. Although it’s a tempting response, yelling and screaming won’t work in these situations, Klapow says. “You don’t treat your teenager like a toddler, but the same principles apply. Don’t pay attention to the tantrum.”

Calmly let your teen know that this type of behavior is not acceptable. If they persist, it’s time to reinforce again that the behavior has a consequence.

Start restricting what is most important to them (phone, television, video games, time with friends) and then move on.

Kaiser offers advice for parents who tend to give in before the punishment is over. “Send the cell phone to another house,” she says. “Call a friend and ask them to hold the item. That way you can tell your child, ‘I can’t give it back to you because our friend is holding it until Friday.'”

Ask parents what they want most for their children and many will say “for them to be happy.” That’s what emotional blackmail does. “I’ll be sad until I get my way” – one of the most difficult manipulations for a parent to recognize and counter. Klapow says parents should ask themselves a very important question: “Is it my job to make my child happy or prepare him for the world? And what effect will my actions have, depending on the path I take?”

The world is not just about being happy, Klapow says. “It’s your job as a parent to help your teen learn. It’s okay for your teen to feel sad when his behavior affects how he lives in the world or the lives of others.”

Focus on what you are asking your child to do while ignoring emotions. If you tell him that you’re ruining his life by making him do homework before he can go to a party, Swanson suggests telling your teen, “I understand that you think I’m ruining your life because you have to do homework. But you still have to do it.” before I can leave.”

Swanson says that if you can consistently maintain your poise, over time your child will stop using emotional blackmail as a form of manipulation.

What parents have not seen their teenage children silent, sullen and refusing to speak? Children use a strategy of shutting down and not responding, Swanson says, because they believe that will make their request magically disappear.

You can let your child know that even if they choose not to talk to you, they are not invisible.

To combat this frustrating form of manipulation, set a schedule around enjoyable activities, such as video games or computer time, and limit them: one hour each night is reasonable. Let your child know that only after completing homework can he log in and that every time he has to ask you to do homework more than twice, he will lose 10 minutes on the computer. That’s when your teen’s refusal to respond to you starts working against her, not for her.

But it’s important to pay attention to the reasons children don’t talk, Klapow says. “Is it manipulation or overwhelming? Recognize that there are situations in which a child needs to process information and that he or she may need more time.”

If your child is upset about something, acknowledge it and let him know you’re there to talk, even if it’s three days from now.

Have you ever heard this from your teenager? “I’ll be an outcast if you don’t let me buy those jeans.”

Parents shudder at the thought of inadvertently placing their children in any kind of danger, social or otherwise. Kids know this and can use it to turn up the volume on their parents’ phone. anxiety.

Become a detective, says Klapow. “Look at the veracity of the statement. Be a rational observer. Is that true? How true is it?” Ask his son to help you understand why he would be hit if he doesn’t let her wear a certain hat, and then respond accordingly. Your teen may be right. “It’s not all manipulation,” Klapow says.

But if you find that your teen is using this method to play with you and get what he wants, lay down the law. Let your child know that trying to manipulate him in this way is totally unacceptable and give him a consequence.

The most important thing you should do is be consistent. “Over time, consistency is the difference between success and failure,” Klapow says.

“A good, responsible parent who walks away and feels good about what they’ve done is not a parent who avoids conflict with their child,” Swanson says. “It’s doing what you know is right, and that’s putting safety first, your child’s interest for the future second, and happiness last.”