Summary:
The author of this letter is an Egyptian American in their 60s who fell in love with a younger Egyptian man during a trip home. They decided to get married so they could be together in a more open and free society. However, due to the pandemic, the fiancé’s visa processing was delayed for two years. During that time, their relationship deteriorated and the fiancé expressed doubts about their compatibility. Now, with the visa finally approved, they have four months to decide if they should continue with their marriage plans. The author is unsure and questions if their fiancé truly loves them or if they are only seeking a better life in the United States. They seek ethical advice to help them make a decision.
Additional Piece:
The author’s situation highlights the complexities of love, relationships, and immigration. It is understandable for the author to question the motivations of their fiancé given the circumstances. The stark differences in economic opportunities and LGBTQ rights between Egypt and the United States can create doubts about whether the love is genuine or driven by external factors.
However, truly understanding someone’s motivations and emotions is a challenging task. People are often a mix of virtues and vices, motives and emotions. Just as Jane Austen’s characters in “Pride and Prejudice” exhibit complex reasons for their affections, the same can be said for the author’s fiancé. Love can be a blend of various factors, including attraction, compatibility, and shared cultural ties.
In this situation, communication and introspection are crucial. The author must have honest conversations with their fiancé about their doubts and fears. They should also reflect on their own feelings and motivations. Is their love for their fiancé unconditional, or is it dependent on certain conditions being met?
Additionally, seeking advice from trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors can provide alternative perspectives and guidance. Exploring the dynamics of the relationship, addressing concerns, and finding common ground are essential steps in making an informed decision.
Ultimately, the author’s heart will be the ultimate guide. While considering ethical implications is important, personal happiness and fulfillment should not be ignored. Open communication, self-reflection, and seeking wise counsel can help navigate this complex situation and make a decision that feels right for both parties involved.
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I am an Egyptian American in my 60s. On a trip home five years ago, I met an Egyptian man much younger than me. We fell in love and decided to get married so we could be together in an open and free society. I requested that he come to the United States as my fiancé. Two months later, the pandemic arrived. Everything was closed and his visa processing at the US Embassy in Cairo was put on hold. We spent more than two years waiting, not knowing when this situation will be resolved. During that time, he traveled to Egypt every four to six months so that they could be together.
Over the past year, our relationship has gradually deteriorated, culminating when he texted me two months ago that he wasn’t sure if we were right for each other. So finally the visa was approved. We now have four months to decide if we should continue with our marriage plans. Now he says he wants to be together. I’m undecided. My trust level in him has dropped, because when times were tough, he didn’t keep faith in our relationship.
I still love him. He also says that he loves me. I don’t question that. But I’m afraid her love is situational and not solid. I never wanted to get married until I met him. I think of him as my life partner. Now this sentiment has been challenged. Does he have any ethical ideas that can help me decide? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
Many readers will immediately wonder if this man really loves you or if he is simply attracted to the better life you represent. Gross national income per capita in Egypt is a fraction of that in the United States, and the situation there for gay men, in particular, is pretty bad. (Human Rights Watch has reports of police entrapment, arbitrary arrest, and mistreatment of LGBTQ people, sometimes using private information found on computers or cell phones.) So you have many reasons for wanting to leave Egypt. Either he wants you for you or he wants a better life. Which is it?
That one or the other captures our habitual common sense and has the consolation of simplicity. But then I think of the most celebrated “marriage plot” novel in English literature, Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.” Why does Elizabeth Bennet love Mr. Darcy? His wealth doesn’t close the deal; she rejects his first proposal. However, she is far from irrelevant. There is a scene in which she visits his home and grounds (in her absence, as she imagines) and is awed by his grandeur and grace. Austen makes it clear that Eliza would not marry him just for her wealth and that she would not marry him without her. In Austen’s world, it’s part of what makes her lovable.
His case presents several additional complications. Ideally, they would spend real time together and try to figure out if they are ready to be life partners. The vagaries of US immigration laws mean you must decide what to do in the coming months. So you have to read some mixed signals. On the one hand, your fiancé’s earlier doubts could indicate that her feelings are fickle; on the other, why would someone who was simply desperate to get out of Egypt undermine her chances like that?
In the best of cases, you have effectively found a partner for life, with whom you share important cultural ties. In a bad scenario, the marriage will not work, as marriages often do, exacting a serious emotional and financial cost. (A 2014 analysis found higher divorce rates among marriages with large age differences.) In the worst-case scenario, what could be will be past, since this is the first time she has contemplated marriage in her entire adult life. – your best chance of lasting love.
I wish I could give you some simple heuristics. Gilbert Ryle, who was one of the most inquisitive philosophers of the last century, was impressed that Jane Austen’s moral approach was, in his terms, more Aristotelian than Calvinist, that her characters were not divided into saints and sinners, but mixed vices and virtues. in various proportions. In the same way, Austen thought that relationships could be amalgamation of all sorts of things; could be transactional and transporting What is in the heart of this man? Possibly a complicated mix of emotions and motives. But that doesn’t settle the matter. In the end, it is your own heart that you will have to consult.
readers respond
The question in the previous column was from a reader who recently moved to Biloxi, Mississippi, and wondered if it was morally acceptable to visit Beauvoir, the historic home of Jefferson Davis. The reader wrote: “My problem is that the site charges an admission fee. The property is owned by the Mississippi division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, and while I’m assuming some of the money would go toward upkeep of this historic site, I don’t know what they do with the rest of their money. … Is it ethical to pay a ticket and visit this historic site?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “I share your doubts about whether the SCV deserves your support. For what it’s worth, though, my bet is that Beauvoir isn’t making any money for the Sons of Confederate Veterans or any of its divisions. His tax returns in recent years show sizeable annual operating losses. ‘Admissions’ represents less than half of his income; $100,000 a year comes from the Mississippi State Legislature. This is not a source of income. And surely we can benefit from visiting and studying the homes of people who were living in grave moral error, even if administrators and guides sometimes seem unaware. Majestic places like Beauvoir were sustained by the unpaid labor of unfree laborers. The name Beauvoir means ‘beautiful to look at’; if you visit, you might remind the guides that a full appreciation of the site also requires taking ugliness into account.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I was completely pleased by the ethicist’s response to this question. I applaud your deep dive into the real consequences of visiting the Jefferson Davis home. Thank you for this research and careful attention to detail. — sheryl
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should be irrelevant that Beauvoir is creating a loss for the Sons of Confederate Veterans. Any visitors to the house are reducing this loss and allowing the Sons of Confederate Veterans to redirect their funds toward more heinous activities. -Daniel
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there are thousands of places where you can stand and marvel at the simultaneous beauty and horror of a historic site without supporting a racist organization. Donate the money you would spend in Beauvoir to an organization that works to dismantle racial inequality or educates honestly about slavery. — Stephanie
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what hit me in response from the ethicist was that the state of Mississippi is using the tax dollars of state residents (including the descendants of enslaved former Mississippians) to keep this establishment afloat. The author of the letter should require the state that if its tax dollars are to support Beauvoir, her full and accurate story must be released to the public. — Beautiful
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There is only one house before the war Worth a visit: The Whitney Plantation in Wallace, Louisiana, which is only about a 2.5-hour drive from Biloxi. Everything on Whitney is about slavery. All. Not a paean to the Confederacy like almost every other plantation home. — Maria
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