Title: Navigating Difficult Conversations about Obesity and Relationships
Additional Piece:
Introduction: Approaching sensitive topics such as obesity and relationships requires tact, empathy, and a deep understanding of the complexities involved. In this piece, we will delve into the nuances of discussing obesity with a loved one and highlight the ethical considerations surrounding intervention. Additionally, we will explore the concept of seeking companionship outside of a marriage and the moral implications it entails.
Understanding the Complexity of Obesity: Obesity, particularly Class III obesity, poses significant risks to one’s health and quality of life. However, it is essential to approach the topic with compassion, as individuals struggling with obesity may be facing psychological and emotional challenges that contribute to their condition. Recognizing that obesity is a chronic and complex condition can help foster a more empathetic approach.
Exploring Medical Options: When discussing potential treatment options, it is vital to highlight the effectiveness of bariatric surgery, which is often covered by insurance providers. Bariatric surgery can provide substantial weight loss results and improve overall health outcomes. Additionally, therapy can address any underlying eating disorders or psychological factors contributing to severe obesity.
Navigating Boundaries and Respect: While it is natural to be concerned for a friend’s well-being, it is essential to respect their boundaries and autonomy. If attempts to discuss the issue directly have been met with resistance, it may be more productive to focus on supporting and listening to them. Showing that you genuinely care about their well-being without pushing the subject can foster trust and open the door for future conversations.
Approaching the Topic with Loved Ones: If you believe involving their children may be beneficial, it is crucial to carefully consider the potential impact on the friendship. Sometimes, loved ones may have already attempted to address the issue, but the person struggling with obesity may not be ready to seek help. However, if you genuinely believe their children can offer a different perspective or support, it may be worth taking the risk while being mindful of potential consequences.
Supporting Healthy Conversations: Having open and compassionate discussions about health can be challenging but necessary. When the time comes for your friend to express a willingness to discuss their health, it is important to approach the conversation with the intent of supporting their well-being rather than criticizing their eating habits. Providing resources and information on healthy living choices and available support systems can be a constructive way to show your care.
Conclusion: When confronted with challenging situations such as a friend’s severe obesity or exploring intimacy outside of a marriage, ethical considerations come to the forefront. It is essential to approach these topics with empathy, understanding, and respect for personal boundaries. By fostering healthy conversations and supporting individuals in their journey towards better health and happiness, we can make a positive impact on their lives.
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My friend of 50 years has recently become morbidly obese. He now he must be over 100 pounds overweight on a very small frame. He has great difficulty breathing and his legs are bowed from being crushed under his weight. He can no longer do simple household chores like cleaning.
I love my friend and have tried several times to talk to her nicely about her worsening condition. But it was in vain. She says that she can’t afford the new injection drug diet that everyone is using; she has stopped trying to lose weight in other ways.
Food is his drug. It’s clear that she lives for it like she would an addict. She flatly refuses to talk to me or her family about it. She apparently sidesteps the subject when she talks to her primary care provider, and nothing changes: her weight continues to increase.
I’ve thought about approaching your children about this. But if that doesn’t work, and the kids tell my friend that I tried to intervene, I’m sure that would be the end of our friendship. She told me: “Don’t talk to me about this.” What, if anything, can I do to help her? I’m watching her kill herself slowly. — Name withheld
From the ethical:
Your description suggests that your friend has Class III obesity (“morbid obesity” is no longer the clinical term), a chronic and complex condition that is affecting her ability to carry out certain ordinary functions of daily living and puts her at serious risk. of debilitating disease and premature death. Of course you are worried; any friend would be.
But you’re not going to tell her anything she doesn’t already know. The cost of promising new weight-loss drugs is perhaps something of a red herring on her part. Insurers, public and private, will generally cover medically necessary bariatric surgery, which is substantially more effective than drugs. (Surgery carries a risk of major complications, but the dangers of living with Class III obesity are greater.) There are forms of therapy that address eating disorders, including binge eating, associated with severe obesity. In either case, a competent primary care provider will already have informed you of your medical options.
As for the risk of approaching their children? If you think they have a good chance of succeeding where you failed, that’s a risk a friend should take. However, they can surely see that she is suffering due to her obesity, so a safe assumption is that she already tried to get her to seek medical help, and that she told them what she told you.
Unlike your primary care provider, you do not have special knowledge about complex conditions. (One of those complexities: the vicious cycle that can arise between depression and obesity.) You may not be the right person to make a difference here. She has explicitly asked him not to raise the issue with her. As someone who cares about her, you obviously have reason to want her to get healthier. But you can’t insist on it.
If the time comes when you open the door to a conversation about your health, there’s plenty of good advice (including from the federal site health.gov) about how to get involved: keeping your focus on your well-being, not your eating habits; avoiding criticism, judgment and shame; talking to her, not to her. I’m glad you’ve made it clear that you care about her well-being and that you want to be helpful in any way you can. I wish she would listen to you. But as her friend, you also need to listen to her and take note of the boundaries she has set..
readers respond
The question in the last column was from a reader whose wife was in a nursing home. He asked if she could have a lover: “My wife will never leave the nursing home. She has full mental capabilities, but she is also the most narcissistic person I know. … Am I wrong to seek love, intimacy and companionship with another woman? My wife has had affairs while we were married.”
In his response, the ethicist noted: “If you and your wife were willing to release each other from your marital obligations, there would be no moral reason not to seek a relationship elsewhere. However, it sounds like you think she won’t free you from them. … You say that there has been no love between you for the last decade; Is this also your perspective? (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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my 87 year old husband he had dementia, and I, 11 years his junior, had a smart, kind, and loving boyfriend. Nobody suffered. Life is to be lived. — Marian
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The author of the letter has a strong sense of loyalty to your marriage, if not much empathy for your institutionalized spouse. First talking to her wife about her needs and then proceeding to meet them seems reasonable, regardless of her agreement. – Carolina
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I would also advise the gentleman to talk to the social worker at his wife’s house. We often don’t see clearly through our own emotional clouds, and a professional can provide strategies to work in everyone’s best interest. — Jan
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My curiosity lies in what the husband said towards the end of his question: He said his wife was unfaithful to him. Assuming this is something from his wife’s past, is he saying that she should have the right to have relations now? Is there a deeper resentment than the fact that she’s in a nursing home? — angela
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this is perfect existentialist dilemma. You want someone to give you permission, but only you can give yourself permission. You want to have your cake and eat it too (to be a faithful and loving spouse, and to have a lover), but you can’t have both. You are, as Sartre would say, doomed to be free. You can have a lover, but you have to deal with the guilt that comes with that choice. You have to own your decision. — Denis
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