My son is a senior in college. His best friend and roommate for the last four years recently took something from him that was in a hiding place no one knew about except for my son and this friend. When my son confronted him, his friend denied it, only admitting that he took it after another guy confessed to participating in the theft. The friend never really addressed the issue other than to offer a brusque apology. My son was devastated and shocked that someone he considered “as close as a brother” would lie and steal from him. To add insult to injury, this individual comes from an affluent family.
A few months before this incident, something else happened. My son mentioned that the security deposit from a previous apartment they shared was never returned. The check was supposed to be made out to one of the four roommates, and then fairly distributed among the others. I called the company and they sent me a copy of the front and back of the check, which was signed and deposited by the same lying roommate.
My son’s friendship with him has resumed, and revealing this new info would destroy not only his relationship with this individual but with the other roommates who still live together as well. Do I have an ethical obligation to tell my son, or should I let him continue his convivial and peaceful last year of college with this tight-knit group of guys? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
“We inhabit a climate of trust as we inhabit an atmosphere,” the philosopher Annette Baier once remarked, “and notice it as we notice air, only when it becomes scarce or polluted.” While your son’s trusting ways will often serve him well, letting him live in ignorance leaves him vulnerable to someone who may get some perverse satisfaction from taking advantage of him. (Can it really be that the two episodes you happen to know about represent the full extent of his roommate’s betrayals?) The stakes aren’t just instrumental either. Having some sense of an independent reality — being able to navigate complicated relationships in light of the truth — is integral to our agency, and to the possibility of an authentic human existence. The fact that your son is in college, a time for developing independence and adult judgment, makes the situation all the more fraught.
In “The Truman Show,” the title character enjoys the sort of convivial and peaceful existence you’d want for your son, but once the reality dawns on him that he’s living in a staged world, amid staged relationships, he can’t be at peace with those who manipulated him, however benign their intentions. Although your son can regret learning what you have to tell him, he cannot genuinely prefer the deception; the ability to make the choice requires knowing the truth he would be rejecting. Now, suppose your son discovered not only that his supposed friend ripped him off but also that you concealed it from him. Wouldn’t he have reason to feel doubly betrayed?
So share with your son what you’ve learned. You needn’t make any judgments about the false friend — how your son wants to respond is his business. Just don’t pollute the climate of trust between you and your son. It’s easier to recover from the manipulations of a malefactor, I suspect, than from the discovery that someone who should have helped you see clearly chose, instead, to leave you in a fog of comfortable deception.
A Bonus Question
We’re visiting Paris for spring break, but we’re embarrassed by America’s far-right politics. My wife plans to wear a maple-leaf lapel pin to pass for a Canadian, and wants me and the kids to wear one too. I worry that it would compromise our integrity and insult Parisians who discover the truth. But the deception could make our trip more pleasant. What do you think? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Put those pins down, s’il vous plaît. Otherwise you’d be starting every interaction with a lie, while treating Canada’s flag — which means something to many Canadians — as a prop for your own convenience. Besides, Parisians deal with visitors from everywhere, and surely understand that citizens aren’t always aligned with their governments. The far-right politician Marine Le Pen has a strong base of support in France, for one thing, and Canada’s next prime minister is expected to be someone very conservative. Spare yourself having to pretend you know the words to “O Canada.” Ethical patriotism means being able to experience both pride and shame when it comes to your nation’s actions, not hiding behind a maple leaf.
Readers Respond
The previous column’s question was from Alan, who was concerned about accepting senior discounts that he didn’t need. He wrote: “I’ll be 65 early next year and eligible for a range of senior-citizen discounts. I have long believed that these discounts are a relic from previous generations, when seniors had the highest rate of poverty of any age group. … Am I a hypocrite for accepting subsidies that I’ve long opposed? Or do I accept the subsidies, as they are currently government policy, regardless of my personal views?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “We provide free primary and secondary education but only to the young. … This age-based restriction helps show why senior discounts aren’t inherently unjust. Both are benefits tied to where we are in life, not to our financial need. Some children receiving free education come from wealthy families, just as some seniors receiving discounts have ample savings. … Your worries about hypocrisy, then, are premised on views I would encourage you to rethink. Like age-restricted free education, senior discounts aren’t really poverty-relief programs; they’re benefits tied to particular life stages, available to all who reach them.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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My husband and I worked hard for over 45 years, but we never made a lot of money. We exist on Social Security and a small retirement I.R.A. Senior discounts make it possible for us to enjoy small extras in life that we otherwise would not be able to afford. For many people, senior discounts make what could be a bleak existence more enriching and enjoyable. — Bella
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I was forced to retire and my income was reduced by two-thirds. Yet the cost of my apartment maintenance, groceries, utilities and medical needs continues to go up at a rate that does not come close to the percentage of increase in my Social Security benefits. Is that fair? Senior discounts make a considerable difference in the quality of my life. — Cheryl
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Income-based discounts would be difficult to determine as they would depend on where one lives, the cost of living, debt, lifestyle and, of course, income. A 65-year-old may have children in college, another may have medical debts, another may be in a lower paying job, while another may be traveling around the world as a retiree. — Arlene
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According to a 2024 survey by the Senior Citizens League, 27 percent of all seniors rely on Social Security for 100 percent of their income. Discounts (especially for public transportation and events) often mean the difference between a senior socializing with friends and family — or staying home. As is well documented, staying connected is an essential part of both happiness and longevity. — Stephanie
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Universal senior discounts are nice to have as they avoid stigmatizing the least fortunate. The letter writer is lucky to feel that he does not need the rebate at present, but his situation might be different in the years ahead. In the meantime, why not keep a note of the discounts he receives and donate them to charities of his choice? — Denise