Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who worried that her friends’ adult son might harm them and wondered what to do. She wrote:
I have friends in their 70s who have taken in their adult son following his divorce. It is going on two years now, and he is making no progress at finding work or moving out. Granted he has mental-health issues, like panic disorder and depression, but he lives rent-free, has a dog he does not take care of and berates his parents on a regular basis. His parents won’t even ask him to help around the house because they are afraid of his volatility. He can become extremely angry, especially toward his father. He also owns a gun. … His father is going to retire in a couple of months, and they are planning to sell their home and move out of state. They have told their son that he is not coming with them, and the son is upset about this. … As the deadline of the move approaches, I truly worry the son will shoot himself or shoot his parents and then himself. … Do I call adult protective services? Do I alert the police that a mentally ill man owns a gun? I am truly concerned. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
It’s often hard to judge from the outside whether people who own guns pose a threat to themselves or to others. … All the same, you’re describing a disturbing situation. … So you can legitimately share your concerns with the police, offering the details you know about. … For all that, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was nothing that law enforcement could do. That doesn’t make you wrong to have made the call. And yes, I would also give serious thought to informing adult protective services about your apprehensions. It isn’t as if you would be disrupting an arrangement that’s working for everyone involved. If his parents are being intimidated, they may need help planning a safe exit. Are you overestimating the dangers? Let’s hope so. But given your concerns and given what you know, staying silent would be a decision, too. This is a situation where it makes sense to ask for help.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Contacting the police would be like striking a match to kindling, because the first thing the police may want to do is talk to the son. Instead, the parents or some neutral party should be working with the son to find affordable housing and income, even if it’s only welfare benefits. If he reacts with threats, then contact the police. — Mary
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My close friends were in a very similar situation with their son. When he threatened them with violence, they called the police. He was arrested, which started him on a path to gaining better control of his illness. Calling in the authorities can sometimes be a lifesaver. — Jan
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Given that your friends can’t afford counseling, why not contribute funds toward a set of group sessions, as this might help everyone concerned? The son may learn that he needs medication, which could help him find work and get him back on track. Maybe there are other friends who might help with this, or an association that they are affiliated with. — Fiona