Stop saying GOOD JOB to your child and Praise WISELY! | The problem with praise
For over a decade Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford University and her team studied the effects of praise on students.
Dr Dweck wanted to look at how subtle difference in the way that they were praised effects the students mindset and performance.
Saying “Good job” to your child may not be the best praise phrase. It may even be harmful.
In this video, I talk about what happens within children when we say empty compliments like “good job”, as well as what happens when we praise their efforts.
I give you examples of situations where you’d typically say “good job!” or give some form of praise to your child, and I’ll share some simple phrases you can say instead.
// References //
MONTESSORI AT HOME: The problem with praise (+ What to say instead!)
Stop Saying Good Job
Carol Dweck – A Study on Praise and Mindsets
Carol Dweck on “Process praise”
Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck
Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment (2022)
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-022-08226-9#citeas
How to Praise Your Children (2007)
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/how-to-praise-your-children/
Praise vs. Acknowledgment in a Montessori Home (2019)
https://www.montessoriinreallife.com/home/2019/4/29/praise-vs-acknowledgment
The effects of praise: 7 evidence-based tips for using praise wisely (2019)
https://parentingscience.com/effects-of-praise/
Parenting: Don’t Praise Your Children!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children
Are You Overpraising Your Child? (2020)
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/parenting/praising-children.html
Good Job: Why It’s Not Used in the Montessori Classroom (2021)
Montessori alternatives to praise (2020)
https://themontessorifamily.com/montessori-alternatives-to-praise/
Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” (2001)
A MONTESSORI APPROACH TO PRAISE (2017)
https://livingmontessorinow.com/a-montessori-approach-to-praise/#:~:text=Montessorians%20try%20to%20give%20encouragement,put%20away%20all%20the%20dishes.%E2%80%9D&text=4.,themselves%20and%20gain%20self%2Dconfidence.
Why Good Job is Harmful (2019)
Robichaud, JM., Grenier, F., Joussemet, M. et al. The Role of Descriptive and Non-Specific Outcome-Oriented Praise in Child Self-Esteem: A Multiphase, Multimethod Investigation. J Child Fam Stud (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-022-02449-0
Brummelman, E., Grapsas, S. & van der Kooij, K. Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment. Sci Rep 12, 4967 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-08226-9
Gunderson, E. A., Sorhagen, N. S., Gripshover, S. J., Dweck, C. S., Goldin-Meadow, S., & Levine, S. C. (2018). Parent praise to toddlers predicts fourth grade academic achievement via children’s incremental mindsets. Developmental Psychology, 54(3), 397–409. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000444
Brummelman, E., Grapsas, S. & van der Kooij, K. Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment. Sci Rep 12, 4967 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-08226-9
Brummelman, E. Psychological Perspectives on Praise. (2020). https://doi.org/10.4324/9780429327667
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Can we for a second appreciate how awesome parents we are for taking the time and grace to learn how to be a healthy human towards our little ones? Give yourself a pat on the back, acknowledge you are trying your best and continue learning babes… because we can always do more and do better for our kids and for ourselves. You got this!
And thank you to the creator for this insightful video.
Is there an age limit to this? Preschool or 1st grade? I just wonder.
y'know, sometimes "give up early" is also a good thing. I was always praised as being intelligent and tend to given up things early. But I'm a rather stubborn person that refused to lose, despite given up on many things I refused to just back down and never touch something again. So I given up on things easily so I could distancing myself from something and approach them differently especially when they're too hard or complicated. It took a lot of efforts before I arrived at this mindset. So maybe find a way to teach children to have selective type of "give up early". I doubt that new generation children actually have fixed mindset. I mean the societal norms already different from 40 years ago when the fixed mindset was still dominant.
I need to Montessori parent myself. Perfectionism can cripple me sometimes.
Love the video
How about teacher
I work with children from time to time. If they come, proud or enthusiastic and want me to praise them, sometimes I ask: how do you feel about it? Are you satisfied? Was it interesting for you? How did you come there? Yesterday it was different, what has changed? I trie to mirror their happiness and joy and focus on their feelings and thoughts instead of judging the results, products or their skills . This is very interesting because lots of children seem to be surprised that I am interested in the process and in them and not so much in the results or the image of things.
This is pretty insightful. I am a Grandmother now so I will be implementing this method with my GRANDbaby immediately. Thanks for sharing!
Yeah, it’s pretty simple. Praise the energy and work ethic that’s put towards the work that they are doing. Point out specific things that they did that you want them to do again, which is focused on their work, effort, and any tangible thing that they actually did.
Where is the info not to praise inherent traits, like looks, from?
This is very helpful and informative, thank you!
I do have a question though. My son is 1 years old, so I clap for him and say good job or yay! when he properly uses a montessori toy or plays with a toy that has a purpose. I cant really say the things in this video because I dont think he would understand, but I want him to know that what he did was the correct way of using that toy?
Hi, for those who may have found a good ‘feedback’, may I just ask what to say to a child when she utters something clever as a suggestion to solve a problem.
Good job is still ok at times. 🙂
I am 75 yrs old. My parents NEVER praised us because they believed that by doing so it would enhance our pride… so no praise, no compliments… nothing! No wonder all 3 of us did "great" in life!!! The 3 girls at least were like this… For the boy, I don't know because he was the eldest and I was the youngest and he was the only one at home, us the girls, we were in a convent and praise never came!!! especially for me that was the rebel one! 😥
Whats the best word for praising our child
Oh boy, that’s the mistake my parents did with me and i did the same to my daughter. She’s almost 10 now, i wonder if its too late to change things.
I work in early childhood education and this is something I’ve been trying to adjust in my practice. I realised that I was using “good job” statements because that’s also what I was conditioned to expect as a child. I know now through my work and studying that empty praising is quite harmful especially when it comes to things that children should be learning how to do regardless, like tidying up their play space or putting on their clothes and shoes.
Millennials are so extra.
I respectfully disagree.
Our parents never complimented anything. My brother always puts in efforts, but even today he complaints about never being prasied for his achievements. Even acknowledgement of the hardwork and outcome would have worked.
Maybe not praising is a good thing for toddlers and children, but big achievements need to be celebrated too. Like graduating college. Getting a good job.
👍
as someone who is 23, was a “gifted child” and is still unlearning performance based presentation and depending on hollow praise, this video was very much needed. thank you.
My daughter here asking if she did a good job brushing her teeth?😅 I don't know what to say??! "I like how clean your teeth are??" Maybe??
My favorite is telling a kid i like the manner in which they do something. Being seen as skillful in something feels nice at any age.
I'm working on building my children up in Christ. As long as they know that they are a child of God, they will be strong and confident. I will Always acknowledge my child's accomplishments. And let them know that they will unfortunately interact with others who will not acknowledge their efforts or abilities but as long as they are proud of it and they are on the Right side of things in life and to have faith in God then God will take care of them. Period. We have to be careful that we're not playing a mind game with these precious babies. If they did a good job say it. If not, correct them with gentleness.
Well done-
An accomplished person knows how their mind interprets motivation, and knows how to translate that to a child they are raising. Often critically high standards with little encouragement/support come from uneducated parents and it's a projection of their own lacking sense of self.
My parents wouldn't give me any praise of any kind as a child, an experience I share with my siblings. And neither them nor I feel like like that "preserved our motivation", it mostly left us starved for validation and acknowledgement and a feeling of never being good enough.
It is a feeling I remember as a staple of my childhood.
I do think there is merit in not showering with empty praise, but doing the "don't compliment your kids" incorrectly can be even more devastating to a child than saying the occasional "good job!".
Thanks for the video. Mostly agree with your points, aside from the one in "ask questions" where you say a child is the one who should judge their work instead of external evaluation. That just doesnt apply everywhere, does it? We dont want entitled adults in the workplace not take criticism, since they are the ones who should judge their work.
I knew a woman who praised her kids so much it was incredibly empty and annoying. That patronising sing-song ‘Good job!’ ‘Good job!’ endlessly. Argh it was constant. And even the kids no doubt felt uncomfortable getting praised just for taking a sip of water. And I often thought when they did something really amazing, she had nowhere left to go cause she praised them for literally every friggin tiny thing. I often thought it was in some ways better to praise them sparingly – like my grandfather did – than every three seconds like this lady, so that when the kid did get praised on that very rare occasion it was like they had just achieved something truly great. I would love that lady to see this video. She thought she was the best most incredible mother ever. If only she knew. She was actually doing her kids a huge disservice.
You are so right. I always say good when my 4 year old dresses himself. Recently, he finished dressing and excitedly told me as usual. I said ok and he started crying and said I didn't praise him 😢. I was so confused but had to let him know I don't have to. Doesn't sound like the right response but now I'm learning
As a father of 11 months old baby boy, I greatly benefited from your video. Thank you
Meat of this vid starts around 7:00ish w examples of positive recognition for their efforts.
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