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Naomi Shragai is a business psychotherapist and author of ‘Work Therapy’.
When I was working in community mental health in London early in my career, Terry, a co-worker, died of AIDS.
He was a quiet and reserved man; we had shared case notes and gossip. As his health deteriorated, few of his close friends were able to provide him with the help he needed. So I offered him mine. By caring for him, I learned intimate details about his health that wouldn’t normally be shared among colleagues: the toiletries in his bathroom, his daily habits. When he died, I took a plant from his apartment that eventually grew into a 10-foot yucca.
In my psychotherapy practice, I often remember Terry when clients tell me about people in their workplace who have died. They are also often unprepared for the depth of pain.
We tend to think of the people we work with as colleagues, bosses, or subordinates. We often don’t take into account that our relationships begin to matter and that their loss can be painful. If the worst happens, people may be forced to confront emotions they are not accustomed to at work. It may be your first encounter with death, a reminder of your parents’ mortality, or something that evokes unresolved grief or disturbing feelings from the past.
“At work, people are forward-thinking and focused on growth, achievement and productivity. Unexpected death goes against all these trends in corporate culture,” explains Steven Rolfe, psychoanalyst and CEO of the American consulting firm Rolfe Advisory. While most companies have a succession plan for senior staff, he adds, few prepare for the emotional consequences of death at work.
A year ago, a colleague of my client Anna died of a brain hemorrhage during a work trip to Atlanta. He was 41 years old, recently engaged, and mentoring Anna. “When I heard the news I burst into tears,” she remembers. “I couldn’t assimilate it. . . “She looked at his seat and saw that he was empty.”
She still feels his absence. “I never imagined a scenario where I couldn’t approach him and talk to him. . . Now I have to make decisions myself.’”
Our relationship with work changes when it is associated with loss. It reminds us of the fragility of our colleagues and that we ourselves are replaceable.
One client was surprised by how quickly business returned to normal following the death of a “highly respected” senior director. “We’re just a cog in the machine,” he says. “The machine continues.” However, he also felt inspired, after the initial shock, to “maintain the standards, because he set the bar high.”
Managers often find themselves under special pressure after the death of a team member: to announce the news, support colleagues, adjust workloads and inform customers and shareholders. There’s little room for his own feelings, including fears about how the tragedy affects more mundane matters. A CEO client ran into trouble after the death of an employee, who was also related to another senior staff member. He describes “feeling guilty for thinking about the impact that would have on the business and me.”
Anne, director of an American publishing house, felt unable to show her grief when she announced the death of a colleague. “I needed to be calm and say this is really horrible, but we will get through this together. What you don’t realize is that you have 150 people looking at you crying,” she says. “They told me if you don’t want to cry, you look up and swallow, and that’s what I did.”
This was even though the tragedy had a profound impact. “People with a little experience in life handled it better, but the twenty-somethings cried all the time. The shock was enormous and they associated it with the workplace, so work became a trigger.”
When addressing tragedy and its emotional consequences, companies must avoid business as usual. Expectations need to be adjusted. “You couldn’t change the outcome, but we got through it by saying we just have to do what we can,” says William, a manager at a public relations firm that lost a senior director. “Good enough is fine.”
Managers can also help by providing rituals: a condolence book, sessions to share feelings and stories, and counseling for those who need it. “Pay attention to how your manager reacted at the time of the crisis. Did they give the people what they needed? Did they listen to the employees? says Rolfe. “There is no one-size-fits-all policy. Some people may need time off and transition to remote work; others may prefer it. . . diving back in.”
The names in this article have been changed.