When Ellie Krieger’s daughter graduated from college and returned home in May to save money before her next move, Krieger was thrilled to have her back. But in her child’s absence, she and her husband had settled into their own rhythm.
“We enjoy each other’s company,” she says Assets“We definitely missed her presence, but we didn’t feel like we had an empty nest and were lonely.” And her daughter, she says, “was finding her independence.”
Soon after, warrior, a Nutritionist and presenter of a cooking showrealized that living together as a threesome in their New York apartment again would require more adjustment for all of them than she had imagined—not only in terms of sharing a bathroom and planning dinner, but also in terms of the changed rules of raising children.
“I lose sleep because my daughter isn’t home yet,” she admits. Her daughter texts her updates late at night, but even so, says Krieger, “I don’t fall asleep until she gets home, which might be 2 or 3 a.m. I check every half hour and would be freaked out if she didn’t send me updates.”
“But I see this as my problem,” she notes.
“The biggest challenge is not coming across as blaming — trying not to say, ‘Why is your room so messy? Why is my house so messy?’ We’re just living in more chaos,” says Roberta, who uses her first name for privacy reasons. Her two Gen Z sons, 23 and 25, are living back at home with her and her husband after college. She’s also nervous about being out or driving late at night, and says she and her husband find the lack of privacy “annoying,” especially when the sons have their girlfriends over.
“The best part is that I know he is safe here,” says Elizabeth, whose son just graduated from college and moved home indefinitely. Assets. Elizabeth, who also uses her first name for privacy reasons, says she is existentially worried about his future. “He doesn’t seem very motivated to find anything,” she says. “Besides, I don’t think he even knows what he wants.”
These mothers are not the only ones who have to juggle the ups and downs of their child moving back in after college. About a third of young adults in America between the ages of 18 and 24, or 57%, live with their parents, up from 53% in 1993, according to a current survey by the Pew Research CenterAnd although 45% of these parents say the experience was positive, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a learning curve.
“It is a realignment,” Mark McConvillean Ohio-based clinical psychologist and author of Failure to start: Why your mid-twenties partner hasn’t grown up… and what you can do about it, told Assets“It’s, ‘You’re an adult now… and so we’re mostly roommates now.'” And even with the best intentions on both sides, he says, “there’s a natural regression. You get annoyed when the 25-year-old leaves the dishes in the living room, and he gets annoyed when you remind him that his dishes have to be in the living room.”
Adjusting to the return of a child “will be different in every family,” says Laurence SteinbergPsychology professor at Temple University and author of You and your adult child. “Nobody knows the rules and nobody knows how to do it well.”
This is partly because it is understandably difficult to change the ways of interacting that have developed when they teenager“Your child is back home, but he hasn’t reversed his own psychological development,” he says. “I think you have to allow him independence. But it’s going to be bumpy because no one is really used to it.”
Below are some tips to help ease the transition.
Communicate with your adult child
“I think it’s really important to talk about expectations,” says Steinberg, suggesting that when planning dinners, for example, an adult child could commit to attending a certain number of family dinners per week and agree to let them know if plans change.
Basically, everyone has to find out what they expect from the other and then communicate this clearly.
McConville says that might require some mental gymnastics. “So if you’re my 23-year-old daughter and you’re out until 3 a.m., why is that any of my business? Unless you’re driving my car and you’ve been drinking. But I’ll clarify to parents: What’s really their business? And this has nothing to do with parenting. It’s about your right to comfort.”
If an adult child is staying out for very long periods of time and it’s causing them distress, Krieger would suggest engaging with the child and explaining, ‘This is my problem, it’s not about you. I don’t know how to not be awake and worried when you’re out late. And if you just text me or call me, I can go to sleep.’ I would try to get that reciprocity from the child. To me, that’s a reasonable request.”
Change your perspective – and overcome the stigma
If you still have trouble letting go, Steinberg suggests the following: Imagine you are dealing with a Friend or even an adult sibling.
“Would you forbid her from going out? No, you wouldn’t,” he says. “As a parent, if you’re having problems, try to imagine that it’s just an older sibling or friend who lives with you and treat them that way,” he says, admitting that it will be “hard” but possible.
Overall, says Steinberg, it is helpful to understand that while it is not “normative” in the United States for adult children to live with their parents, it is elsewhere, for example in Italy and many Asian countries. “And for reasons that aren’t entirely clear — maybe because the U.S. places a lot of value on independence — it’s seen as a kind of failure… But I think as it becomes more widespread, it will lose some of that stigma.”
Face the financial problem of supporting an adult child head-on
Steinberg says he is often asked how he handles the uncertainty that comes with having an adult child at home. “They say, ‘How long is this going to go on? I wasn’t planning on supporting my 35-year-old daughter,'” he says.
The next inevitable question, he says, is, “If I help support my child financially, do I have a say in how the money is used? And I think that’s not the case. Although I think if you see your child living a life of luxury at your expense, it’s OK to say something like, ‘It doesn’t seem like you need as much support from us as you’re getting.'” He would, however, shy away from monitoring credit card statements.
McConville says parents often ask if they should continue to pay for an adult child’s cell phone or gym membership – and if the child is able to work and pay those expenses on their own, “I tell them the answer is no,” he says. But, he adds, “for me, how you change the ground rules of your relationship is very, very important.”
He suggests that parents first agree on a concrete, logical and far-off date for the change to be set in stone. “It might look something like this: ‘You know, on September 15th you’ll be 21.'” Tying the date to the calendar makes the child more likely to accept the change, he says.
“Because my theory is that there’s an inner voice that says the same thing, like, ‘Oh shit, I’m turning 21 and I’m just playing video games.'”
When you should worry about your adult child – and what to do
A little hesitation or apprehension after college is natural. But warning signs may include a young person having trouble finding a job, “getting their life together” or taking steps to change the situation. And all of these could indicate depression, Steinberg says.
“If my child were in a career-related job, I wouldn’t be concerned at all,” he says. “And I would look at the housing situation as primarily a consequence of a financial decision, and in this case, it makes a lot of sense.” However, if you feel you have reason to be concerned, you should communicate this “gently” and also “make it clear that you are worried, for example, ‘You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. Is there something going on you want to talk about?'” Consider suggesting therapy if you think your child would have an easier time talking to someone who isn’t their parent.
McConville believes it’s pretty clear when a child is truly stuck. He asks parents to imagine their child as a line on a graph and think about the direction of that line. Is it rising, albeit very slowly? Or is it stagnating? Or is it falling? For the latter, he says, “their behavior patterns are clearly not productive – they’re staying up, maybe playing video games or watching movies. Youtube until 4 a.m., sleep until 1 or 2 p.m.”
To address this problem and promote change, he suggests recommending an abstract principle rather than concrete advice.
“Kids don’t want to deal with abstract principles. So you don’t say, ‘You have to have a job by next Friday.’ You say, ‘If you want to live with us, you have to do something constructive.’ That’s very general, but kids don’t fight it because it makes so much obvious sense.” Make it clear that anything constructive – whether it’s work, classes, or volunteering – is acceptable.
“It’s actually a way of defusing the power struggle,” says McConville. “And then you have to stand by it as if it were non-negotiable.”
Everything is temporary – and sometimes it’s great
In general, Steinberg says, “people are uncomfortable having negative feelings toward their children.” Plus, people don’t like uncertainty, he says.
“When your kid comes home from college for the summer, you know they’re leaving in September. But when your kid moves back after college because they can’t afford their own place, you don’t know when it’s going to end.” And if you also see it as something abnormal, “I think it’s natural to think, ‘I hope this stops,'” he says.
But it will probably only be temporary. And in the meantime, it could be wonderful: Remember that according to according to PewForty-five percent of parents—and 55 percent of adult children—said that living under the same roof had a positive impact on their relationship. That’s consistent with what Steinberg heard from students who moved back in with their parents during the pandemic.
“They didn’t want to live there, but it wasn’t as bad as they thought,” he says. “Many got to know their parents as people – and that brought them closer together.”
More on parenting: