The Importance of Sexual Attraction in Long-Term Relationships
Introduction:
In the journey of finding a life partner, many people prioritize various qualities, such as friendship, compatibility, and shared values. However, one crucial aspect that is often overlooked is sexual attraction. This oversight can lead to complications in the bedroom and potentially strain the relationship. In this article, we will delve into the significance of sexual attraction in long-term relationships and explore whether it can be cultivated over time.
The Missing Ingredient:
When it comes to selecting a partner, both men and women often focus on qualities like intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness. These traits are undoubtedly important for a successful relationship, but what about sexual attraction? Many heterosexual men confess that they chose their partners without considering this essential element. It is alarming to discover that people tend to devalue sex when choosing a long-term partner, as it is the only aspect that truly distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one.
The Internalized Dilemma:
Some men hold an “either/or” view of women when it comes to choosing a life partner. They believe they must decide between those who make excellent wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous. This mindset often leads them to choose someone they perceive as “wife material” over someone they are genuinely sexually attracted to. This flawed logic places immense pressure on the relationship and can result in long-term dissatisfaction.
The Role of Sexual Attraction:
Sexual attraction plays a vital role in maintaining a deep connection in a relationship. It acts as a glue that holds couples together during difficult times. Great sex not only enhances relationship satisfaction but also protects against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression. Therefore, it is essential to prioritize sexual attraction right from the beginning in order to foster a loving and fulfilling partnership.
The Possibility of Cultivating Desire:
While it is possible for some women to develop desire for their partners over time, the same cannot be said for men. If a man has no desire for his partner at the start of a relationship, it is unlikely that he will ever develop it. This emphasizes the need to prioritize sexual attraction from the outset, rather than hoping it will magically appear later on.
Managing Lower Levels of Sexual Attraction:
Although lower levels of sexual attraction can pose challenges for couples, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. Some individuals may find that a lack of sexual attraction leads to infidelity or divorce, while others may only perceive it as a problem due to societal expectations around sex and desire. It is important for couples to have open and honest discussions about their needs, and each couple must determine what works best for them in navigating this challenge.
Nurturing Sexual Desire:
For couples experiencing a decline in sexual desire, there are ways to reignite the flame. Communication is key in expressing desires and exploring new experiences. Many people feel more comfortable expressing their needs as they grow older, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction. Additionally, couples who redefine their understanding of sex, beyond the traditional notions of orgasm, can find renewed excitement and intimacy in their relationship.
Conclusion:
Sexual attraction is a crucial aspect that should not be overlooked when choosing a long-term partner. It serves as a foundation for a deep, passionate, and fulfilling relationship. While other qualities like friendship and compatibility are important, sexual attraction sets romantic relationships apart from platonic ones. By prioritizing sexual attraction from the beginning and nurturing desire over time, couples can enhance their connection, protect against distress, and enjoy a vibrant and satisfying partnership.
Summary:
Many individuals choose their life partners without considering sexual attraction, a vital aspect of romantic relationships. While qualities like friendship and compatibility are important, sexual attraction sets relationships apart and acts as a glue during difficult times. Some men internalize an “either/or” dilemma, choosing partners based on being wife material rather than sexual attraction. Sexual attraction can be cultivated over time for women but not for men. Lower levels of sexual attraction do not always lead to problems, as it depends on individual perspectives and societal expectations. Couples can nurture and enhance sexual desire by communicating openly and redefining their understanding of sex. Prioritizing sexual attraction from the beginning and investing effort in maintaining desire can lead to a deep and satisfying partnership.
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Editor’s note: Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and relationship contributor for CNN. Her most recent book is a couples guide, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”
CNN
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Many heterosexual male clients come to my practice admitting that they chose their partner without considering sexual attraction.
During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the bedroom, the man will state that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone, or anxiety.
But when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me that he chose his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.
Why would a person choose a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can you cultivate later something like sexual attraction that didn’t exist in the beginning?
I’ve talked to many men in their 30s who have told me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.”
Characteristics on that list include “being my best friend,” “she’ll be an amazing mom,” “our friends and family get along really well,” and “she really loves me.” The only box that wasn’t checked? Sexual attraction, and often men didn’t even mention that quality to begin with.
I was stunned.
Sexuality is the only thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one – I find it to be a kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through difficult times. That’s why it amazes me that so many people devalue sex when choosing a partner for a long-term relationship.
“Studies show that while physical attractiveness is often among the most important traits people want in a romantic partner, it doesn’t really top the list for men or women,” she said. Dr Justin Lehmiller, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Traits like intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.”
According to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri, some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women: those who make excellent wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous.
“I’ve seen this in male patients who are in the dating world and feel pressured to choose someone they perceive to be ‘wife material’ but lacking in sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a better emotional fit. and sexually,” Perri told me.
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Great sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, help couples achieve a deeper connection, and enhance relationship satisfaction.
“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual part should be considered an integral part of it, like protein, rather than a frivolous part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a New York City-based sex therapist.
“In my experience, it is possible for women to cultivate desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man has no desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never want her,” Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction later when you can prioritize it in a partner and enjoy the benefits right from the start?
Still, lower levels of sexual attraction aren’t always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.
“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when one is attuned to societal expectations around sex and desire,” said Fulbright, who is an adjunct professor in the department of sociology at American University in Washington, DC.
“A lot of pressure is being put on couples to maintain an active and attractive sex life. People have the feeling that there is a type and a quality of desire that must be achieved, with any disinterest in such a considered problem that must be solved.
Some of my fellow therapists caution against overemphasizing the importance of immediate sexual attraction.
“We have the misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there is no relationship potential. That’s just not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience a greater closeness and connection.”
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What should you do if you and your partner are running out of sex drive? Or if you want to increase the temperature of a relationship that had nothing at the beginning?
Fulbright warned against giving any radical advice. “Only the partners can figure out how best to handle this challenge in their relationship,” he said.
“Non-monogamy may work for some, but not others. couples must decide how honest to be with each otherto what extent this issue is a deciding factor in staying together versus not staying together, and how much weight should be given to this issue in light of other good things going for them,” he added via email.
Don’t feel like all is lost if you’re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “It’s often not until we’re in our 30s that we feel comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.
But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks married couples will stop having sex anyway, so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction?
“Many couples in their 50s are able to explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nesters. For couples 60, 70 and older who can expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-create intimacy, sex can continue to be vibrant and rich,” Dillon added via email.
And keep in mind that your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So if you really are experiencing an unexplained drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your medical provider. Maybe your testosterone levels have really dropped.
Whatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, be honest with your partner. It turns out that honesty can be a turn-on (eventually).
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