You won’t believe why getting everything you desire won’t bring you true happiness!

Have you ever experienced that feeling of reaching a goal and feeling a brief, slippery sweet high, before going flatter than a can of Diet Coke left overnight as your euphoria dissolves? Or even looking around at the facts of your life, acknowledging that all is as you expected, and yet finding yourself bordering on a sense of dissatisfaction?

If so, know that this specific genre of existential angst is extremely normal. Take it from Sara Kuburic, Australia-based existentialist psychotherapist (@millennial therapist) and author of the forthcoming book ‘It’s On Me’ (Quercus, £16.99, released Sep 2023).

“I think people can feel a sense of disappointment once they reach their goals because they realize doing so didn’t ‘solve’ their problems or make them happy,” he says.

Why reaching your goals doesn’t always fulfill you

For some, clearly marking the list of the great hitters of life, in terms of goals, can bring them satisfaction. But that’s not necessarily the case for everyone. “Getting engaged or getting that promotion may not stop you from questioning the meaning of your life or hating yourself,” he adds.

In fact, once you make a dream come true, it’s normal for that tingle of excitement to subside. One potential problem with this, says Dr. Kuburic, is that people may fear that nothing really worth it. “Most of us get by by setting another goal and focusing our attention on achieving it, so we don’t have to focus on the bigger issues in life,” he says.

That does not mean that it is not worth striving to achieve goals or that everything is useless; far from it. Rather, as Dr. Kuburic alludes to, it’s more that there may be some deeper questions about who you are and how you want your life to unfold, or even how you frame your successes, that you need to explore in order to achieve that. a greater sense of satisfaction (more on how to do this later).

The ‘motivation molecule’

For now, though, what happens in your brain when the thrill of winning dwindles faster than the number of Flake ice cream cones in the box once it’s opened? For this reason, explains neuroscientist Nicole Vignola (@nicolesneuroscience), author of the upcoming ‘Rewire’ article (Penguin, £18.99, released May 2024) you have to look at the neurotransmitter dopamine. This is the chemical that keeps you chasing down little messages of excitement when looking for notifications on your Instagram page or planning a group trip to Lisbon.

“A lot of people think of dopamine as the ‘reward molecule,’ but it’s actually the ‘motivation molecule,'” he explains. work for your reward. So what tends to happen is you hit your target and then the dopamine goes down.’

While you bask in its heady promise as you put in extra hours at work trying to get a title improvement or redo the interior of your dream apartment on Pinterest, its absence when you get there can contribute to a ‘huh?’

“I think a lot of people live chasing dopamine. It could mean that we think that life will be ‘complete’ once we have achieved this and that.’

Of course, dopamine is not the only molecule responsible for the feeling of effervescence and well-being. You’ve probably heard of serotonin, a spike of which is partly responsible for buoyant feelings of well-being when you’re laughing out loud in a group of people you love or surfing a wave of satisfaction sitting on the beach with your toes. feet in the water. sand. You’ll also be familiar with endorphins, the root cause of your post-gym euphoria.

These latter chemicals come into play when you reach a goal, instead of before, in the ‘motivation’ stage. Enjoying this burst in the moment is delicious. But, says Vignola, thanks to our “now what?” culture, it can be hard to just revel in them while they last. ‘The problem is that we put emphasis on the future. So when you get that lovely combination of hormones, it can be easy, instead of pausing and enjoying the moment, to say, “Okay, what’s next?”

Your goals… or other people’s?

There are other possible mechanisms at play as well. In our society, it’s easy to get sucked into the current of other people’s expectations and end up pursuing someone else’s vision of a “good” life, rather than one that’s authentic to you. “Our actions, successes, and relationships will only bring us closer to happiness if they align with who we are,” observes Dr. Kuburic.

If you find yourself endlessly listing accomplishments but feeling fulfilled for nothing more than a fleeting moment, she suggests that you may not have stopped to ask yourself what it is you really want; that you’re trying to live a life to make other people happy or that you’re not entirely sure who you are, which means that some of your decisions don’t align with who you really are.

Understand your own dreams and desires.

To illustrate this puzzle, he offers an example. ‘I had a friend who, while she was studying at university, she planned to become a psychologist. But her family wanted her to be a lawyer. So, she enrolled in law school. She is now very successful in the legal field, but she feels that her achievements are meaningless. She still wants to be a therapist. The goals that she has achieved are not aligned with who she is.’

Vignola agrees. ‘Not being on the path you want is a big problem. We are shaped by our peers, our parents, and others around us. Maybe all your friends when you were a kid said they wanted to be a doctor, so you think you should try to be a doctor too and follow that path, but actually, you’re a creative person. It means that people can achieve their goals, only to realize that it’s not at all what they really wanted.’

knowing yourself

If that sounds like you and you’d like to try and figure out what might make you the happiest, Dr. Kuburic advises trying to get to know yourself like you would someone you’re dating.

‘What kinds of things would you ask or observe? What actions would lead to a feeling of closeness, understanding or safety… try doing this with yourself. Observe, question, reflect. Check your thoughts, feelings and body once a day. Even something as simple as journaling about “what did I learn about myself today?” It can be useful.’

your values

Vignola, similarly, advocates for working your values: fundamental qualities that matter to you, such as courage, peace, security, fun and compassion. Identifying yours, he says, can make it easier to observe what other people are doing and realize that while a three-bedroom semi, traveling, or moving to the country may be great for them, it doesn’t really compare. with how you want to live his life.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Maybe you’re sure you’re on the right track, but you want help to really appreciate it all. If that’s you, another possible tonic recognized by both experts is gratitude.

“Humans have a negative bias,” says Vignola. It’s something that worked well in our past: the person who assumes that danger is just around the corner in the woods and prepares himself in advance is a stronger candidate for passing on his genes than the one who assumes that life is a waste of money. flowers and rainbows, but it’s something to work on to spot when existential threats aren’t lurking in the bushes.

Remember that this bias exists, says Vignola, before working to feel the joy of what you have achieved or what you have.

Pausing like this to smell the proverbial roses can be nourishing. “Many wonderful things happen in life, but we don’t pay attention to them,” adds Dr. Kuburic. ‘Many of us filter out the positive and focus on the negative, or focus on the ‘next’ thing that will help us be ‘happy’. I believe that practicing gratitude allows us to slow down and pay attention to things that are meaningful, worthwhile, and joyful.’

“Part of the reason so many of us are unhappy is because we haven’t made room for happiness; we haven’t taken the time to really be happy with things that are working or that are meaningful.”

Another suggestion from Vignola is that, as always, if you’re struggling with persistent and unchanging negative feelings, it might be worth devoting yourself to things that make you feel good, like exercising and spending time with friends, and staying away from things that can make you feel bad. feel good. fuel discontent, like scrolling through your social networks.

Dr. Kuburic’s final comment for those of you wondering how to pursue long-term satisfaction instead of successive, perhaps ultimately disappointing goals. ‘First, you can change your mind; you are allowed to feel unhappy or dissatisfied [and want something different].’

‘Second, as you continue to change and evolve, so will the things that make you happy – keep being curious and flexible. Three, you are not only capable of changing, but you are responsible for changing. You are responsible for living the life you want! You deserve it.’