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At a recent management training session on how to “have difficult conversations” in the workplace, I burst out laughing. Everything about that particular class felt familiar. We were told to focus on the behavioural change we wanted to see in our teams, not bad practices, to be empathetic in our approach, rather than confrontational, and to acknowledge any negative feelings a staff member might have before attempting to remedy the situation. In short, it was exactly the same as the tips and tricks handed out by the kind parents brigade.
I’m sure Dr. Becky, the psychologist who doles out parenting hacks on Instagram, would have been impressed. She’s one of the no-nonsense people who tells the ragged guardians of little dictators to remember that a tantrum is just “an outburst of desire.” Instead of having a meltdown in response to their toddler’s screams, their priority is to stay calm and keep the child safe.
This seems perfectly reasonable, but as someone who has graduated from the Indian school of parenting, where throwing away food or being cruel to elders was sacrilege and academic excellence was non-negotiable, this more lenient model of parenting is something I would really like to embrace, but I have to work really hard at it with my own young child.
Just as parenting in many parts of the world has shifted towards empathy, respect and positive reinforcement rather than punishment to encourage good behaviour, businesses have changed too. Leaders are increasingly encouraged to act as coaches, empowering their employees to participate in decision-making, prioritising staff wellbeing and providing regular feedback.
Those who complain about the campaign to promote “active listening” and “better understanding” at home, believing that this only creates spoiled children, will no doubt also object to new ways of working that protect employees’ personal needs. Huge changes have taken place since the pandemic forced workplaces to be more flexible and to think more carefully about the wellbeing of their staff – especially younger employees, who are often more vocal and less loyal. When the PR boss of Chinese search giant Baidu raged at her staff earlier this year, declaring on social media: “I am not your mother”, she would have garnered some sympathy from the kind of bosses who sneer at office snowflakes, whose emotional and professional needs can seem endless.
Of course, it is clearly a good thing to set stricter standards of conduct at work and reduce tolerance for any kind of misconduct. The same applies in the domestic sphere. The emphasis on better communication and being more compassionate has become central in both areas, but the divergence lies in the objective of these behaviours.
In the corporate world, creating an environment where employees feel valued and empowered is ultimately in the service of business goals, such as maximizing shareholder value. That’s why managers obsess over productivity data and quarterly financial statements. But the truth is, despite what some more caring corporations may say, your colleagues are not your family. You should treat others with respect and be on your best behavior toward your employees. Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing to do and can help people find meaning in work, if you’re a boss, the underlying drive is pretty clear: You don’t want to go broke. You want staff to stay, do their best work, and increase profitability. We can have extremely high expectations of companies—and sometimes they will exceed them—but the bottom line will always prevail. That’s why when business conditions are tough, workplace niceties often go out the window.
Parenting, however gentle or aggressive, is not about achieving goals or improving performance, despite what is said in the playgrounds of north London. It is about fostering children’s development and helping them become curious, confident, compassionate and resilient people. It is also about creating a sense of security and self-esteem that grows over time.
In some ways, it’s harder to be a boss and a parent at the same time. We demand far more from others than we used to. My mother says that people in their thirties like me “think too much” instead of getting things done. But, as always, there is no single definition of what success means. Just as in the boardroom, where external factors such as war, climate change and political instability can alter the impact of a given course of action, so too will disruptions in one’s own home, whatever they may be, change the way one raises children. No one has the right answer. If they did, there wouldn’t be the flood of advice on how to do it right (even from Indian aunties).
Anjli Raval is the FT’s managing editor
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