Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who felt torn between personal and professional obligations. She wrote:
Early in my career, a good friend recommended me to her company. She was not the hiring manager, but her recommendation helped me get a job that I held happily and successfully for more than a decade, laying the foundation for my current position at a prestigious firm. She was eventually let go. From what co-workers said and what I knew of her work, I believed her performance had fallen short and that efforts to improve it had failed. … She later found another job and remained there for many years. She has now been let go again and has asked me for job leads. I am in a position to help and might even be able to get her work with my current employer. The problem is that I am not confident she would meet our standards. … Should I help her and hope for the best? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Given what you know about your friend, could you write her a truthful recommendation that might help her get a job? If not, you shouldn’t write a misleading one that would. … Your sense of obligation is understandable. She gave you your start in the business. But surely she didn’t do so by concealing serious doubts about your abilities. You can still be helpful in other ways. You might review her résumé, pass along public job leads or introduce her to people, without hiding the fact that she’s a friend and without offering an endorsement of her work. As for your own place of employment: You do not need to invent a lack of openings. You can truthfully say that you are not in a position to get her a job there for which she is suited. What would be unkind is landing her a job in which she is likely to struggle, while leaving you and your colleagues to deal with the consequences.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I think the Ethicist got this one wrong. The letter writer is making assumptions about her friend’s capabilities based off feedback she received many years ago. The fact that her friend was able to hold on to a subsequent job for many years afterward should be a good indication that she is perhaps worthy of being, and remaining, employed. Being let go from a job is not necessarily an indication of poor performance. And the writer owes this friend a huge favor for setting her on a great path at the beginning of her career. The least she could do is refer her friend and let the hiring process take its due course. — Feyi
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I am also in my mid-50s, and twice in my life I hired close friends who I knew were very capable but underperformed while under my direct supervision. I will never make that mistake again, no matter what. The friendships are no longer. Help your friend by reviewing her résumé, passing along public job leads or introducing her to people, without hiding the fact that she’s a friend and without offering an endorsement of her work. — Jorge
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The real question is: How do I help a dear friend? Helping a friend does not begin and end with recommending her for the job she wants. It begins with understanding what she is genuinely good at. One should never recommend someone for a position if one genuinely believes they are unlikely to succeed. That serves neither the employer nor the friend. But refusing to make a bad recommendation is only the beginning of one’s obligation. A true friend should ask, “Where can you thrive?” Then use every honest means — advice, introductions, coaching, networking and encouragement — to help make that happen. — Rumundaka
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While helping your friend get a position at your firm would certainly not be the wisest thing to do, I think you could provide assistance to her in other ways. You could invite her to coffee and have an honest discussion about her work history. Tell her that in order to help her, you’d like to know her views about why she has had to “move on” from position to position. You may also opt to tell her (kindly) what you’ve heard from others about her work-related difficulties. Try to understand her perspective, but be honest about what you think, in terms of her charting a way forward for herself. You may learn something about her that you didn’t know. — Cynthia
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I would let the friend know that I can connect her to others who have openings, but I cannot “recommend” her since I don’t know much about her qualifications for the jobs. I would also let others know I have a friend who is looking for a position, but that I am not recommending her one way or the other since I don’t know her work history. The letter writer actually has no idea one way or the other about her friend’s current qualifications, and I am not sure making a reference based on her experiences with this person from over 10 years ago is fair. So, you help her get connected — as any friend would do — but you do not help her get the job. — Brad