Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who wondered how much transparency she owed her partner. She wrote:
My partner and I have been together since 2022, and we started living together six months ago. … I know my partner wants to become a father someday, while I simply don’t know whether I want to become a mother. I raised my brother and enjoyed spending time with him when he was little, but otherwise I have never felt the delight that some people show around children. Instead, they leave me indifferent or even annoyed. I’m also afraid of the changes that parenting would require of me. I tolerate my current job only because it pays the bills, and I worry about the distractions that children would bring. … And I’m scared of how my mind might react to something as significant as motherhood. My partner knows that I have a difficult family history. … I’ve decided to give myself a few years and see how I feel. But do I have to tell my partner now that I’m unsure about something he hopes for? If I do, I give him the chance either to find someone else with whom to build a family or to stay with me despite the uncertainty. I’m scared he won’t choose me. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
If you allow your partner to believe that you share his expectations about raising a family, you would be building a relationship on a foundation of dishonesty. … You say that you’re worried that letting your partner know now that you may not want to have children will lead him to break up with you. But why do you think it will go over any better a few years down the road? Your partner has been upfront about his hopes that you’ll have children. You owe it to him to be equally upfront about your uncertainty. You seem open to the possibility that you’ll want children someday. You can tell him that too. What’s needed here is honesty about where you are now. Many of the spats that couples get into are about nothing very much: accidental slights seized on as evidence of character flaws, two mammals briefly getting on each other’s nerves and growling. But some disagreements go to the heart of things, and whether to have children is one of them, because it concerns the shape of the lives you want to lead. Whatever shape those lives take, I hope they’ll be characterized by candor about the things that matter most.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The worst thing for a relationship is to talk someone into children who doesn’t want them, or talk someone who wants them into not having them. Waiting to share your feelings until the relationship is more established or a marriage has taken place won’t change the outcome. The breakup will come eventually. Better now — unmarried and childless — than later. — Sandi
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If the roles were reversed (that is, if you were the man) I would strongly advise telling your partner now. But men can father children well into their eighties — look at Al Pacino, for example — so this isn’t an issue that worries men all that much. I would give myself a year and then tell him, if I still felt like I didn’t want kids. — Paula
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Talking this over is very important. My husband and I were both uninterested in kids when we married. You’re right: They’re costly, disruptive to life, and annoying, in general. But 10 years later, our good friends had a child that I absolutely fell in love with. We both did. Getting to know this particular child changed everything. Now, 30 years later, we can say that our two children were a joy and, as adults, continue to be the best decision we made. The key was communication and openness. It would have been OK to go childless, for sure. What’s important is to decide together. — Kelley